I prefer the tearm self mutilation

Ok im taking another step. the forums on here seem open and invitting but im not brave enouth to go find them my self. the chat room gets too over whelming and i feel like a creeper trying to joing groups and talk their. one barrier i have with nudism(like saying one nat in the swarm) is i AM a cutter, i like running razors over my shoulders, back, sides, and any where they do not show. i know im showing them not in this blog but i was told i had to(my therapist says things like that all the time. "Sam you just have to do it and trust me it will help.") i told her about maybe doing this site and she got ecstatic apparently trying to be open is huge or something. so there we go one of my issues laid bare i like mutilating my self and dont want anyone to know or see it because they all feel sorry for me. stop feeling sorry for me. I'm a depressive person who can smile all day at work and come home grab a razor and try to cut out all the hurt i received (by the way quite yelling at your pharmacy tech when insurance will not cover you we didn't do it). btw this is one reason i will not be posting pictures on here either. so back to the main topic. im depressed a lot and very depressed right now. i should tell someone close to me but i can't that would be weakness and i can't afford more of that. i should tell my mother but she will either blame her or my grandmother for how i was raised. i can't tell my father tho he is the closest to safe because he will be mortified and probly blame me(on second thought i probably deserve to tell him then). i live and function in society. i wake up go to work eat and sleep just like i should. except i really don't. I don't cry never really have. i don't really care how others feel about never really did but do not feel sorry for me. i have so far not cut for a long wile. because i have someone that checks me some times and she cant see it, but i want to and apparently i needed to tell someone other than my therapist. I know i just made a lot of people very sad. I didn't really mean to. And i am sorry i did. Sam