The big trade deal

Once upon a time, in the great Kingdom of Merica, there lived a king with hair spun from golden straw, hands as delicate as a raccoons paw, and an ego so inflated it had its own zip code. King Ronaldo the Orange ruled from a golden tower, which he insisted was the tallest, the best, maybe ever people are saying. His favourite pastimes included yelling at birds, admiring his own reflection in gold-plated plates, and signing tariffs on imported goods, only to change his mind three minutes later because China said something very nice about me, very respectful. Each day, Ronaldo summoned his Trade Wizard, Wilber the Wilting, to impose new tariffs. Put 40% on French cheese! he'd decree. But Sir, Wilber would say, you love French cheese. Wrong! That was Fake Cheese! French cheese disrespected me. Very nasty. Very anti-me. Sad! The next day, Ronaldo would lift the tariff because he saw a tweet from someone with 13 followers calling him a bold cheddar warrior. He wasnt just indecisive he was proudly indecisive. Changing my mind proves Im a genius, he told himself. Only very stable geniuses change their minds hourly. Lincoln never tweeted once. Weak! Meanwhile, he bullied the scribes of the kingdom mercilessly. Why do you ask so many questions, Jemima from Scroll News? Youre bleeding from your just disgusting. Next! Sir, said a knight once, do you actually read the scrolls you sign? I have the best brain. I absorb documents through osmosis. Totally natural ability. Doctors cant explain it. Also Im hot. Each time a woman dared disagree with him, he'd bellow, Shes nasty. Probably on her moon-cycle. Disgusting! At trade summits, other leaders would offer complex negotiations, but Ronaldo would interrupt to show them a crude sketch he'd drawn of himself standing on a mountain labeled Mount Greatness. When they refused to sign deals favouring only him, he'd shout, We will build a tariff wall! And YOU'LL pay for it! and storm off to tweet insults at windmills. In the end, the kingdoms economy wobbled, allies sighed, and half the nation pretended they didnt vote for him, while the other half claimed he invented wheels. As for Ronaldo? He looked into his mirror one day and whispered, You're doing amazing, sweetie. The mirror cracked. And somewhere, a cheeseboard wept. JennS44 x