Lawyer Jokes

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• CD

  

  Cheri Donna Dawson

  Jul 28, 2010

  Like the client was told by the lawyer....when asked how much is $200+$200 = the lawyer replied, how much do you need it to be

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• UK

  

  UKrudegirl

  Jul 28, 2010

  MEMO:   Revised practice for Behavioural Experimentation FROM:   The Home Office Central Forensic Psychology Unit TO:     All Divisional Foresic Psychology Teams MESSAGE: With effect from the date of this notification all behavioural experiments using rats as subjects will cease.  All future experiments will be conducted using Lawyers as test subjects as it has now been conclusively established that there are some things that rats will not do.

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• NJ

  

  njmike

  Jul 28, 2010

  It has been discovered that sharks will not eat lawyers.  Researchers found this is due to professional courtesy.

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• MR

  

  mrandsweet

  Jul 28, 2010

  Question: Whats the problem if you have 100 lawyers in dirt up to thier chins?Answer: You need more dirt.

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• MI

  

  MidGaNudist

  Sep 9, 2010

  A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
  "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
  The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
  Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
  The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
  The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
  "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
  The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
  On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

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• KO

  koala_bare

  Sep 24, 2010

  Question : So whats the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? Answer : Nothing. They are both mud-sucking bottom dwellers

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• CO

  

  Curt, or Cowboy

  Sep 24, 2010

  Lawyers aren't so bad.
  It's just that 99.99% of them give the rest a bad name.

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• CO

  

  Curt, or Cowboy

  Sep 24, 2010

  What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked lawyer politician ?
  Chelsea !

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• MI

  

  MidGaNudist

  Sep 25, 2010

  Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.
  As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..
  "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."
  "Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."
  "Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."
  This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.
  What can I do for you?"
  The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone."

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• ME

  Member

  Nov 19, 2011

  How can you tell if a Lawyer is "hung well"?
  
  
  You can't get your finger between his neck and the noose!
  
  

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• T=

  

  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Jan 9, 2012

  A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
  The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the woman driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"
  I don't know." She responds. "I'm not a lawyer!
  

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklow

  Jul 14, 2012

  I once knew a pretty young lawyer, but I could never get her briefs down.

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklow

  Apr 5, 2013

  How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?  Shoot him before he hits the water.

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• T=

  

  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Apr 5, 2013

  "You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness."Is anything the matter?"
  "Well, your Honor," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth,
  but every time I try, some lawyer objects."
  

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklow

  Apr 6, 2013

  There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklow

  Apr 9, 2013

  Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
  A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
  

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklow

  Apr 11, 2013

  
  
  Q:   What can a Toronto goose do, a duck can't and a lawyer should?
  
  A:   stick his bill up his butt
  
  

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• T=

  

  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Jul 4, 2015

  Having many legal problems, including a divorce, a man had become thoroughly disgusted with lawyers in general.
  One evening in a bar, the conversation got around to his pet peeve and he started venting his frustrations.  "All lawyers are jerks!" he loudly proclaimed.
  Another man nearby heard this, looked disturbed, and sauntered over to him.
  "Look, I heard what you said, and I am highly offended by it."
  "Why is that -- are you a lawyer?" he asked.
  "No, I'm not; I'm a jerk!"
  
  

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• T=

  

  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Nov 12, 2015

  Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
  "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
  Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
  "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000.
  And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
  The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check.
  He handed it to Leon. Now then, I'm returning $5,000,
  and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits.
  
  

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• T=

  

  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Mar 5, 2016

  A defense attorney was cross-examining a Chicago police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:
  Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
  A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
  Q. Officer, who provided this description?
  A. The officer who responded to the scene.
  Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
  A. Yes sir, with my life.
  Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
  A. Yes sir, we do.
  Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
  A. Yes sir, I do.
  Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
  A. Yes sir.
  Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
  A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
  With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
  

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• KO

  

  Kohaan

  Mar 11, 2016

  Do lawyers have to wear lawsuits?

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• T=

  

  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Mar 11, 2016

  [quote]Do lawyers have to wear lawsuits?[/quote]No Briefs will do.
  

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