More Marriage Jokes

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster

  Mar 22, 2016

  I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

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  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Mar 22, 2016

  A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
  The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
  The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
  The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
  
  
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Mar 23, 2016

  My wife told me that I did not love any of her relatives...
  I told her that is not true.
  I said, "I love your mother-in-law and father-in-law much more than I love mine."
  
  

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster

  Mar 24, 2016

  A married couple go to the marriage counselor. The wife complains:
  - We were having a perfect marriage until his girlfriend started dating my boyfriend..
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Mar 25, 2016

  Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone.
  She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.
  When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter.
  Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number.
  His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone.  "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!"Then he hung up and walked out of the room.
  In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.  Through teary eyes, she read: "I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread."
  

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster

  Apr 15, 2016

  MARRIAGE:
  It's an agreement where a man loses his bachelors degree and a woman gains her masters.
  
  

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• T=

  

  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Apr 15, 2016

  The 6:06 commuter train was quite late in leaving for its suburban destination, and Hank and Mack were enjoying their wait in the station bar.They had, in fact, been drinking long enough to have reached the stage of semi maudlin confession about their sex lives."You know," Hank said, "I never slept with my wife at all before we were married.  Did you?"Mack searched his thoughts with what was, under the circumstances, admirable reflection."Gee," he finally said, "I dunno.  What's her maiden name?
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Apr 30, 2016

  "So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?"
  "Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."
  A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating.
  "Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
  "No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."
  
  

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster

  Apr 30, 2016

  Q. What is the difference between the words Incomplete and Finished?
  
  A. A man without a wife is incomplete. After getting one, he's finished.

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  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  May 1, 2016

  A: My wife left me last Wednesday. She said she was going out for milk...and never came back.
  B: Damn...how are you coping?
  A: Not bad; I've been using that powdered stuff.
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  May 14, 2016

  Do you remember the tingling feeling when you took the decision to get married?
  That was common sense leaving your body.
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Jul 4, 2016

  Listening to your Wife talk is like reading terms & conditions of a website.
  You understand nothing but still click on "I AGREE"
  
  
  

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• T=

  

  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Sep 3, 2016

  This is the story of two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.
  He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
  Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
  These two were at the same table, across from one another.
  As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her,
  "Will you marry me?"After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."
  The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
  Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? He couldn't remember.
  Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
  With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
  First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to.
  Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.  As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
  "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"He was delighted to hear her say,
  "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
  Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
  
  
  
  

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster

  Oct 7, 2016

  My wife said she needed more space, so I bought her a one-way ticket to the moon.
  

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• NO

  

  noodengr2

  Oct 7, 2016

  A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.  Someone approached the husband and asked " what is your secret?"
  His response " travel.. for our 25th I took her to Europe... for our 50th I went and picked her up"
  
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Oct 8, 2016

  Three couples - one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed -  were interested in joining the church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new members. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed to the terms and they all came back at the end of the two week period.
  The priest went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
  The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father."
  "Congratulations, you are now members of the church!" said the priest.
  The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
  The middle-aged man replied, "The first week wasn't too bad. The second week I ended up having to sleep on the couch for a few nights, but yes, we made it."
  "Congratulations you are now members of the church!" said the priest.
  Finally, the priest went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Were you two newlyweds able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
  "No Father, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
  "What happened?" asked the priest.
  "My wife was reaching for a can of soup on the top shelf and she dropped it," said the man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
  "I see. Unfortunately this means you will not be welcomed into our church," said the priest.
  "We know," said the couple. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
  
  

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• JA

  Jay78

  Oct 13, 2016

  Marriage is like a deck of cards. You start with two hearts and a diamond.  And in the end you want a club and a spade.
  

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• NU

  

  nudissimo

  Oct 13, 2016

  What is the difference between a prostitute, a mistress and a wife?
  
  During sex the prostitute screams "give it to me - you are the hottest, greatest stud ever".
  
  The mistress purrs "oh, darling - I love you - you are the most fantastic lover".
  
  The wife states "beige....I think I'll paint the ceiling beige..."
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Feb 2, 2017

  Beware of the one that is a nightmare dressed like a dream.

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster

  Feb 2, 2017

  [quote]Beware of the one that is a nightmare dressed like a dream.[/quote]NOW you tell me.

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• T=

  

  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Feb 3, 2017

  My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster

  Feb 21, 2017

  My wife said she wanted to visit new places, somewhere she'd never been before. I took her into the kitchen.

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• NU

  

  NudeJohnny

  Feb 24, 2017

  Ben & Bernie are having a drink at the local Pub.
  Ben: "My wife has the worst memory I ever heard of."
  Bernie: "Forgets everything, eh?"
  Ben: "No, remembers everything."

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster

  Feb 24, 2017

  Wife: "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." Husband: (smirks) Wife: "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" Husband: "Absolutely not," Wife: "How Sweet!" Husband: "The season's more than half over!"

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