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Louis33705Original Poster
May 1, 2009I hope this one is appropriate here, but I first heard it on one my local radio stations.
The wife was putting her lingerie in the washer when the husband came up and suggested she put Slim Fast in the wash water. When she asked him why, he said that it might make her butt look smaller.
The next day the husband was getting dressed for work. He went into his dresser and found talcum powder all over his underwear. Confused, he asked his wife why there was talcum powder all over his underwear. She then said, " Oh that's not talcum powder, it's MIRACLE GROW!"
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- MEMemberNov 14, 2010How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?LOVEwhen your eyes meet across a crowded roomLUSTwhen your tongues meet across a crowded roomMARRIAGEwhen your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't careLOVEwhen intercourse is called making loveLUSTall other timesMARRIAGEwhat's intercourse?LOVEwhen you argue over how many children to haveLUSTWhen you argue over who gets the wet spotMARRIAGEwhen you argue over moneyLOVEwhen you share everything you ownLUSTwhen you think twice about giving your partner bus moneyMARRIAGEwhen the bank owns everythingLOVEwhen it doesn't matter if you don't climaxLUSTwhen the relationship is over if you don't climaxMARRIAGEwhat's a climax?LOVEwhen you phone each other just to say "Hi"LUSTwhen you phone each other just to organize sexMARRIAGEwhen you phone each other to find out what time your son's game startsLOVEwhen you write poems about your partnerLUSTwhen all you write is your phone numberMARRIAGEwhen all you write are check'sLOVEwhen you show concern for your partners' feelingsLUSTwhen you couldn't give a ripMARRIAGEwhen your only concern is what's on TVLOVEwhen your farewell is "I love you darling"LUSTwhen your farewell is "So, same time next week?"MARRIAGEwhen your farewell is silentLOVEwhen you are proud to be seen in public with your partnerLUSTwhen you only ever see each other in the bedroomMARRIAGEwhen you never see each other awakeLOVEwhen your heart flutters every time you see themLUSTwhen your groin twitches every time you see themMARRIAGEwhen your wallet empties every time you see themLOVEwhen nobody else mattersLUSTwhen nobody else knowsMARRIAGEwhen everybody else matters and you don't care who knowsLOVEwhen all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feelLUSTwhen it's just the same mushy old crapMARRIAGEwhen you never listen to musicLOVEwhen breaking up is something you try not to think aboutLUSTwhen staying together is something you try not to think aboutMARRIAGEwhen just getting through today is your only thoughtLOVEwhen you're interested in everything your partner doesLUSTwhen you're only interested in one thingMARRIAGEwhen you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf scoreReactReply
- MEMemberNov 24, 2010[color=#9932cd]A young Amish man had just married his lovely bride. As a gift, he was given a horse and buggy. The couple rode off happily until a passing car spooked the horse. The horse bolted down the road... When the man finally calmed the horse down, and got it back under control, he yelled, "THAT'S ONE! "They continued traveling down the road, when a barking dog again spooked the horse. The horse bolted down the road... Again, the man was able to stop the horse. Angered, he yelled "THAT'S TWO!" The couple rode peacefully until the horse was spooked by a hunter's gunshot in the distance. The horse madly bolted from the sound, running across two lanes of traffic, into a field. Furious, the man yelled, "THAT'S THREE!" He went to the back of the buggy, pulled out his rifle, and shot the horse cleanly between it's eyes... "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" His wife began raving hysterically. "WHY EVER DID YOU DO THAT, IT WAS A GOOD HORSE!! WE COU--" The man cut in, stopping his wife's yelling. "THAT'S ONE!"[/color]ReactReply
- MEMemberJul 8, 2011
*The Dog *
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Get in line."ReactReply - MEMemberJul 8, 2011[quote][quote]*The Dog * A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Get in line." [/quote] HAHAHAHAH Brilliant.....love it
[/quote]
Thanks!
My wife did not think it would be a classic though! Thank goodness, she is a keeper after almost 49 years together!ReactReply - T=
Tom === Thomas S. TierneyJul 9, 2011Sergeant: "Did you give the prisoner the third degree?"
Officer: "Yeah, we browbeat him, asking every question we could."
Sergeant: "And did you get a confession?"
Officer: "Not exactly." All he said was, 'Yes Dear,' and dozed off."ReactReply - MA
ManOfWicklowJul 9, 2011Mother-in-laws are fine, so long as you don't have to meet them.
ReactReply - MEMemberJul 20, 2011
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have!
The older she gets, the more he is interested in her!
(Advice from Agatha Christie, who married an Archaeologist.)ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowJul 22, 2011
Husband arrives home from the golf course with a big smile on his face. Wife asks him why he's looking so happy, he replies " I just got my very first hole in one, it's a great feeling." His wife looked at him and said, " It's a pity you can't manage to do that in the bedroom. "
ReactReply - MEMemberFeb 7, 2012I heard this! I am not this foolish!
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds..'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I ask.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stop. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your 'butt', didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyFeb 18, 2012# 12
The happiest time in a man's life is that period of time between his first and second marriage.
The problem is ... he doesn't realize it, until the second marriage!ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowFeb 18, 2012#13
At a gay wedding, who wears the trousers ?ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyFeb 18, 2012# 14
A man inserted an ' ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' .
Next day he received hundreds of letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowFeb 18, 2012[quote]# 14
A man inserted an ' ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' .
Next day he received hundreds of letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' [/quote]They sent mine back and asked for a refund.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyFeb 20, 2012# 16
I loved being married. It was great to find that one special person you could annoy for the rest of her life.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowFeb 20, 2012#17
Ther's a way of trasferring money even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowFeb 22, 2012#18
My wife always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyFeb 22, 2012# 19
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowFeb 22, 2012#20
If your wife starts smoking, slow down and use a lubricant.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyFeb 29, 2012# 21
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one, more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says,
'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning.... you don't.'ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowApr 15, 2012No, this is not my wife on a bad day,
It's Katie Price, without her make-up.
[img alt="Dirty Funny Picture" src="http://www.comedy-zone.net/pictures/images/naughty/rude016.jpg" width=196 height=565>ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 29, 2012A husband asked his wife, "Honey, will you love me when I'm old and senile?"
She said, "Of course I doReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 29, 2012
A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen.
"Careful," he cries. "Be Careful! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They're going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don't forget to salt them. You always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
The wife turns and asks, "What is wrong with you?"
Her husband calmly replies, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyMay 31, 2012A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him what the problem is.
"My life is awful," the man says. "Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife,
and every night she beats me."
"Well, why don't you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?" the bartender asks.
"I love the game," the man says. "I'm a genius. I never lose."
The bartender is confused. "I thought you just said your wife beats you."
"Yeah," the man says, "she's a sore loser."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowJun 1, 2012After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while … then said, “You’re
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.â€
She asks … “What does that mean?â€
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said … “Oh, that’s so lovely … What about I, J, K?â€
He said, “I’m Just Kidding!â€
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.ReactReply