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Louis33705

Humor and Fun

A Married Couple

Posted May 1, 2009

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Louis33705
Louis33705Original Poster
May 1, 2009

I hope this one is appropriate here, but I first heard it on one my local radio stations.

The wife was putting her lingerie in the washer when the husband came up and suggested she put Slim Fast in the wash water.  When she asked him why, he said that it might make her butt look smaller.

The next day the husband was getting dressed for work.  He went into his dresser and found talcum powder all over his underwear.  Confused, he asked his wife why there was talcum powder all over his underwear.  She then said, " Oh that's not talcum powder, it's MIRACLE GROW!"

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Replies

  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Jun 15, 2012
    "I hear Maggie and yourself settled your difficulties and decided to get married after all," Jock said to Sandy.
    "That's right," said Sandy, "Maggie's put on so much weight that we couldn't get the engagement ring off her finger."
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Jun 15, 2012
    Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering -have you ever cheated on me?"

    Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

    "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

    "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."

    "Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.

    "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

    "Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

    "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how the doctor came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

    "I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thingfor me, to save my l ife. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"

    "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"
    ReactReply
  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Jul 1, 2012
    A husband was asked: Do you talk to wife after sex?His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Jul 1, 2012

    Five-year-old Suzie told her mother the story of Snow White which she had heard in school. Prince Charming had kissed her back to life. Suzie concluded: "And do you know what happened then?" "Yes," said the mother, "they lived happily ever after.""No," responded Suzie, with a frown, "...they got married."

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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Jul 3, 2012

    A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

    The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

    He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

    The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

    Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

    "The funeral director," said his wife.
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Jul 5, 2012

    [img src="http://bp1.blogger.com/_M0cuxJsSjdU/RyNproKCZ0I/AAAAAAAABcw/QldFDLgKWkI/s400/g1.jpg">

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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Jul 8, 2012
    A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

    One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

    Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

    "They'll grow slightly larger every day over a period of years," he replies.
    The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

    The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"
    ReactReply
  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Jul 20, 2012


    Mrs. And Mr. Smith were asleep one night when the phone starts ringing.

    Mrs. Smith picks up the phone, listens for a few seconds, and says, “How the hell should I know, it’s 100 miles away.” and slams down the phone.

    Mr Smith asks his wife, “Who was that?”

    Mrs. Smith responds, “Some crazy lady. She wanted to know if the coast was clear.
    ReactReply
  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Aug 22, 2012

    [img src="http://rishikajain.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/google-wife.jpg">

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  • NU
    nudecountry77
    Jan 9, 2013
    [quote]After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

    He looked at her for a while … then said, “You’re

    A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”

    She asks … “What does that mean?”

    He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

    She smiled happily and said … “Oh, that’s so lovely … What about I, J, K?”

    He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”

    The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.[/quote]OK  I just finished laughing and caught my breath.  TOOOOO FUNNY!!
    ReactReply
  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Jan 9, 2013
    Jake was on his deathbed.  His wife, Becky was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand; tears ran down her face.  Her praying roused him from his slumber.  He looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.  "My darling Becky," he whispered.  "Hush, my love," she said.  "Rest. Shhh.... don't talk."  He was insistent.  "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have  something I must confess to you."  "There's nothing to confess, " replied the weeping Becky.  "Everything's all right, go to sleep."  "No, no.  I must die in peace, Becky.  I slept with your sister,  your best friend, and your mother." "I know", answered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
    ReactReply
  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Apr 5, 2013
    Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

    The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

    Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

    "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

    "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

    The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

    "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    May 24, 2013
    Many people say that your wedding day is the happiest day of your life. So, if that's the case, I'd like to ask the husbands amongst you, does that mean it's all downhill from here?
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  • T=
    Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
    Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
    May 25, 2013
    [quote]Many people say that your wedding day is the happiest day of your life. So, if that's the case, I'd like to ask the husbands amongst you, does that mean it's all downhill from here?[/quote]Oh God, I never thought of that.
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