MA
ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
May 20, 2012Three women escape from a penitentiary. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde. They run for miles and finally come to a barn, they decide to hide in some potato sacks. An hour later a sheriff and his deputy arrive at the barn. The sheriff tells his deputy to check the sacks. He kicks the first sack with the brunette in it. "Bow-wow!" says the brunette. "There's a puppy in this one!" says the deputy. So he kicks the second sack which the redhead in hiding in. "Meow!" says the redhead. "Sheriff there's a kitty in this one!" So he goes to the third sack with the blonde and kicks the sack. Nothing. So he kicks it a second time. The blonde replies, "Potatoes!"
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- T=
Tom === Thomas S. TierneyMay 20, 2012Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time.
After inquiring about each others health one asked how the others husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner,
had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"I opened a can of peas instead."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMay 20, 2012
Clean ones are not easy to find
ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyMay 20, 2012I came home from work one day and my wife was wearing her wedding dress and drinking wine.
I figured I was gonna get lucky reliving our wedding night.
Then I realized she was actually that far behind with the laundry.
Clean Joke = Laundry --- OK?ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyMay 22, 2012Andrew and Morgan are playing on the swings together.
"I'm really worried," Andrew says, "My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"
"What have you got to worry about?" Morgan replies, "Sounds to me like you've got it made!"
"Yeah, I guess," responds Andrew, "But what if they try to escape?"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMay 22, 2012
[img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0lTa4bu0lNA/Tje8eUVo-zI/AAAAAAAAADU/L_D_e-fODCI/s1600/diarrhea-funny-cartoon-comics.jpg">
ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyMay 22, 2012A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy,
"Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMay 22, 2012
Good joke, but please edit and condense. My screen is not that long.
ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyMay 22, 2012[quote]Good joke, but please edit and condense. My screen is not that long.[/quote]I'm working on it.ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMay 22, 2012[quote]I'm working on it.[/quote]Don't let her mother catch you.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyMay 22, 2012Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMay 26, 2012A rather well proportioned young lady,
spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist,
she decided that no one could see her way up there, & she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.
She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel,
out of breath from running up the stairs.
"The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof
but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.
"No one can see me up here, & besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.
"You're lying on the dining room skylight."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyMay 26, 2012A guy had just returned from two weeks of vacation.
He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.
"What!" shouted the boss? "I can't give you more time now.
Why didn't you get married while you were off?"
"Are you nuts?" he replied. "That would have ruined my whole vacation."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMay 27, 2012A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMay 27, 2012A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret Store to purchase a negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea, it’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refunded for myself.
‘ She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose and another, then another…..
The husband says, ‘Good Grief! “You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!’
He never heard the shot.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyMay 28, 2012A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down; I'll fit you in...
You'll just have to be a little patient."ReactReply - BR
BrianMay 28, 2012A duck walked into a pharmacy and said, "Give me some chapstick and put it on my bill."
ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyMay 28, 2012I hate two faced people. It’s hard to decide which one to slap first.ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMay 29, 2012An Indian gentleman on his first visit to the USA visited the foreign
exchange to exchange some Rupees. He handed to the cashier 100,000Rps
and after a quick calculation on the calculator, was given $50.45 with
a typical "service" smile and "Have a nice day!"
The Indian promptly spent this and returned the next day with another
wad of Rupees. He handed the same cashier 100,000Rps and put his hand
out for his $50.45, instead he received $48.78.
He questiond bitterly Ooh! vy less !!??" Whereupon the cashier replied
"Fluctuations!"
He screamed back "FLUCK YOU AMERICANS, TOO!" I'm going back to Delhi!!!ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMay 30, 2012A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.â€
“Oh, really? Darn it!†said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.â€
“Well, now, not so fast,†said the cop.? Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?â€
“Oh, no, noâ€, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
“Well, that seems only fair,†said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?â€
“Not everybody pays.â€ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMay 31, 2012A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.
After a few more he needs to go to the can.
He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".
After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterJun 1, 2012A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?â€
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5.â€
The Taliban shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!â€
“OK,†said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.â€
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and said,
“Your brother won’t let me in without a tie!â€ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterJun 4, 2012An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.
"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?
The old captain replied, "Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterJun 8, 2012
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterJun 8, 2012
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mable's ear and said,
"Mable, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mable answered, "I have? A suppository?"
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."ReactReply