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ManOfWicklow

Humor and Fun

Clean Jokes Only.

Posted May 20, 2012

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ManOfWicklow
ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
May 20, 2012
Three women escape from a penitentiary. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde. They run for miles and finally come to a barn, they decide to hide in some potato sacks. An hour later a sheriff and his deputy arrive at the barn. The sheriff tells his deputy to check the sacks. He kicks the first sack with the brunette in it. "Bow-wow!" says the brunette. "There's a puppy in this one!" says the deputy. So he kicks the second sack which the redhead in hiding in. "Meow!" says the redhead. "Sheriff there's a kitty in this one!" So he goes to the third sack with the blonde and kicks the sack. Nothing. So he kicks it a second time. The blonde replies, "Potatoes!"

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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
    Jun 9, 2012
    Bill Gates decided to hold a contest for the lawyers. Whoever wins gets to handle all of Microsoft's business. The day of the event, the Gates' estate is swamped with lawyers, all eager for the nod from the richest man in the world.

    "Gentlemen," Gates starts, "please follow me." He leads them to an enormous swimming pool filled with piranha. Then he snaps his fingers. With that, a servant opens the door. A cow rushes out and stumbles into the pool. In no time at all, the cow is nothing but bones.

    Gates says, "Any man who can swim the length of that pool shall represent me in all my business and personal dealings."

    Instantly, a lawyer named Carl pitches into the water. Furiously he swims across the pool, hauls himself out and stands there panting."

    "Bravo!" shouts Gates. "You have proven to me how much you want my business."

    "Actually, I want just one thing." Carl gasps.

    "What's that?"

    "The name of the bastard that pushed me in."
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  • T=
    Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
    Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
    Jun 9, 2012
    Bernie and Eddie were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United. They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (K37) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together.

    One half-time Bernie went to the ticket office and asked if they could by buy the season ticket for K37. The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty.

    Then on Boxing day, much to Bernie and Eddie's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season. Eddie could not resist asking the newcomer, 'Where have you been all season' . Don't ask he said, the wife bought the season ticket back last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.

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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
    Jun 9, 2012
    Who needs a wife like that. Cruel bitch.
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  • T=
    Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
    Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
    Jun 9, 2012
    She's a blonde
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
    Jun 14, 2012
    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman arrived at the train station as drunk as skunks, just as the train was about to leave. A helpful porter managed to get the Englishman and the Scotsman on board in the nick of time. Then he turned to the Irishman and said:
    "I'm sorry, sir. I didn't have time to get you on as well, but there's another train leaving in an hour. You can get that one." "Sound enough," said the Irishman, "but I don't think the two boys'll be pleased. They only came to see me off."
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
    Jul 1, 2012
    The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an
    end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful
    Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.

    On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local
    college so they each could enroll in night courses.

    After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What
    ever possessed you to study Russian?"

    The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or
    so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him."
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
    Jul 2, 2012


    Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
    Jul 8, 2012
    Man, to friend, ‘I’m sure that woman has had a face lift.’ Friend, ‘How can you tell?’ Man, ‘Every time she crosses her legs her mouth snaps shut.’
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
    Jul 20, 2012


    A magician is hired for a gig on a cruise ship. Everytime he tries a magic trick the captain’s parrot ruins the trick by telling the crowd how he is doing it. There is nothing he can do because the parrot belongs to the captain.

    A few days later the ship sinks. The magician is floating on a piece of wood alone expect for the parrot. They float for days without talking, no food or water, eyeing each other coldly. Finally the parrot gives in, “OK, I give up. How did you make the ship disappear?”
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
    Jul 30, 2012
    A Scotsman paying his first visit to a zoo stopped by one of the cages "An' whut animal would that be ?" he asked the keeper. "Thats a moose from Canada", came the reply. "A moose !!", exclaimed the Scotsman. "Hoots, mon, if that's a moose then they must ha' rats the size of elephants over there !"
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
    Aug 2, 2012
    Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

    The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

    The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"

    "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

    "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.

    He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
    Aug 19, 2012
    An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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