MA
ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
Sep 23, 2014A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called."
ReactReplySubscribe
Replies
- MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterSep 23, 2014Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 10 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 10 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."ReactReply
- T=
Tom === Thomas S. TierneySep 23, 2014My dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.
He told me he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my mom would be like.
It seems the minister asked my mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?"
And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?"
And my mom said, "He does."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterSep 24, 2014A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneySep 24, 2014A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV. The husband
sighs and says, "Man, what a rip off!. It was all over in fourminutes!"
The wife replies, "Now you know how I feel."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterSep 24, 2014A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, "How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!" and hangs up. Her husband rolls over and asks, "Sweetheart, who was that?" "I don't know,some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneySep 24, 2014As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The
deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her
entire married life to fussing at her poor husband.
When the graveside service had no more than terminated,
there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by
a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
"Well, she's there."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterSep 25, 2014A husband takes the wife to a night club. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it big time. Break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works!
The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!"
The husband says, "Looks to me like he's still celebrating!!!"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneySep 25, 2014I'm going to watch my wedding video later "backwards". I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in the car.ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterSep 25, 2014
A husband asks his wife:
- If I die, will you remarry?
- Of course no, darling, I will stay with my sister. And if I die, will you remarry?
- No, I will also stay with your sister.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneySep 26, 2014Chess says everything about husband and wife.
The King has to take things one step at a time,
while the Queen can do whatever she wants.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterOct 16, 2014A wife asks her husband:
- Did you have any girlfriends before you married me?
The husband sits silently.
His wife asks again:
- What is this silence supposed to mean?
Husband answers:
- Wait.. Im counting...ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOct 16, 2014A wife asks her husband: - How many women have you had sex with?
The husband starts counting them off on his fingers, "1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6- you - 8 -9"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterOct 16, 2014Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband : Nothing. Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOct 17, 2014In the midst of a quarrel, the wife bitterly yells at her husband,
"I was such a fool when I married you."
Retorts her husband: "That's so true. But I was in love and didn't notice."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOct 24, 2014When my ex insisted on an 8 hour beauty sleep I suggested she take 9 or 10.ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterOct 29, 2014A husband and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOct 29, 2014If men behave after marriage the way they do before it, half the divorces won't take place..
On the other hand,
If women behave before marriage the way they do after it, half the marriages won't take place.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOct 31, 2014My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,"Yes.."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight startedReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyNov 23, 2014Some newly-married friends were visiting us when the
topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three
children, while the young husband demurred, saying two would
be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a
few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to
things by saying boldly,
"After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted,
"Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterNov 24, 2014A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you." "I know," said the man, "but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone."ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyNov 24, 2014A Husband said to his wife One day "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time"
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain, God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyNov 30, 2014My ex is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterDec 4, 2014Ted was going bald there was no two ways about it. Trying to cheer him up his wife Barbara bought him a toupee.Barbara was very excited to show off her “new husbandâ€, so she was thrilled when one of their friends invited them to a party at their house.It was later that night after the party that Barbara found Ted lounging around on the couch looking depressed.“What’s wrong Honey?†said Barbara sitting down on the couch next to him.“I didn’t enjoy the party at all,†complained Ted “I was so self conscious I felt like everyone was able to tell I was wearing a toupee.“Oh Sweety†said Barbara patting Ted’s knee, “I’m sure nobody was able to tell!In fact all of the people at the party that I told, were all surprised!â€ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyDec 5, 2014Q: What did the wife do when she found out her husband was gay?
A: She turned around and took it like a man.ReactReply