jokes

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• MA

  

  macnude

  Jan 21, 2010

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• TH

  

  Thomas

  Jan 21, 2010

  The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease.  The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior.  The disease is called Gonorrhea lectim...And pronounced "gonna re-elect 'em.."
  
  Many victims contracted it in 2008, after having been screwed for the past two years. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease has become since it is easily cured...by voting out all incumbents!

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• TH

  

  Thomas

  Jan 30, 2010

  The devil assigned him the usual punishment...put him in the mass pit where the heat was melting others. The devil came back sometime later surprised to find the Cajun just sitting around, not even misting, much less sweating. "How come you're not so much as sweating here where everyone else is screaming for relief from the heat?" The Cajun laughed and said, "Man, I was raised in the bayous of Sout Looziana. Dis ain't nothin' but May in Lafayette to me!"The devil decided to really put the Cajun through it. He put him in a sealed off cave in the pit with open blazes and four extra furnaces blasting. When he came back, days later, the Cajun was sitting pretty, had barely begun to bead up with sweat. The devil was outraged. "How is this possible!? You should be melted to a shrieking puddle in these conditions!."The Cajun kept grinning and asked, "Dis mean de Saints won da Super Bowl?"The Cajun laughed even harder than before. "Hey, man! I done tole you. I was raised in Sout Looziana.. You tink dis is heat?! Dis ain't nothin' but August in Jennings !" So the devil thought, 'Alright, a little reverse ought to do the trick.' He put the Cajun into a corner of hell where no heat ever reached. It was freezing and to add to the Cajun's misery, he added massive icebergs and blasting frozen air. When he returned, the Cajun was shivering, ice hung from every part of him but he was grinning like it was Christmas. Exasperated, the devil asked "HOW!? How is it possible?! You're impervious to heat and here you sit in conditions you can't be used to...freezing cold and yet you're happier than if you were in heaven. WHY?!"The Cajun kept grinning and asked, "Dis mean de Saints won da Super Bowl?"

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• TH

  

  Thomas

  Feb 7, 2010

  [quote]The devil assigned him the usual punishment...put him in the mass pit where the heat was melting others. The devil came back sometime later surprised to find the Cajun just sitting around, not even misting, much less sweating. "How come you're not so much as sweating here where everyone else is screaming for relief from the heat?" The Cajun laughed and said, "Man, I was raised in the bayous of Sout Looziana. Dis ain't nothin' but May in Lafayette to me!"The devil decided to really put the Cajun through it. He put him in a sealed off cave in the pit with open blazes and four extra furnaces blasting. When he came back, days later, the Cajun was sitting pretty, had barely begun to bead up with sweat. The devil was outraged. "How is this possible!? You should be melted to a shrieking puddle in these conditions!."The Cajun kept grinning and asked, "Dis mean de Saints won da Super Bowl?"The Cajun laughed even harder than before. "Hey, man! I done tole you. I was raised in Sout Looziana.. You tink dis is heat?! Dis ain't nothin' but August in Jennings !" So the devil thought, 'Alright, a little reverse ought to do the trick.' He put the Cajun into a corner of hell where no heat ever reached. It was freezing and to add to the Cajun's misery, he added massive icebergs and blasting frozen air. When he returned, the Cajun was shivering, ice hung from every part of him but he was grinning like it was Christmas. Exasperated, the devil asked "HOW!? How is it possible?! You're impervious to heat and here you sit in conditions you can't be used to...freezing cold and yet you're happier than if you were in heaven. WHY?!"The Cajun kept grinning and asked, "Dis mean de Saints won da Super Bowl?"[/quote] [quote]Looks like it did come true  LOL[/quote]

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• ME

  Member

  Oct 23, 2010

  D ear Tide:
  
  I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well  that the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
  
  What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

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• ME

  Member

  Oct 23, 2010

  After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary.  His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multi-million dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed.  He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.  On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.  When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
  When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning &mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.  Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit...  Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.  A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.  Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.  Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.  The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...  Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth - But only if she were to sign the papers that very day.  She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.  A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods!

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• T=

  

  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Apr 9, 2011

  A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen old balls one day
  and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pants pockets.
  On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him,
  so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her.
  He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets.
  A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady,
  "It's all right ma'am, they're just golf balls."
  She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said,
  "Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"

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  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Apr 10, 2011

  John meets Bill at the bar and he is looking somewhat sheepish and embarrassed.
  Bill says, "Hey John, what's wrong?"
  John says, "I received a party invitation last night and it plainly said 'Black Tie' only.
  But when I got there, everyone was wearing suits too!"

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• SU

  

  Sunbeam65

  Apr 11, 2011

  Tom - That could be a good party theme for your local resort - a black tie ONLY party and of course black garters ONLY for the ladies.

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• T=

  

  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  May 20, 2011

  An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German,
  an Indian, several Americans, a New Englander, a Californian, an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian,
  an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian,
  a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole,
  a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese,
  a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian,
  an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese,
  a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander,
  a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban,
  an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian,
  a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani,
  a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede,
  a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and
  47-53 miscellaneous Africans walk into a fine restaurant.
  "I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

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  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Jul 8, 2011

  A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.
  A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
  After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
  He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
  'So, where were you all these years?'
  'In prison,' he says.
  'Why did they put you in prison?'
  He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
  'Oh!' smiled the woman. 'So you're single...?'

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklow

  Jul 13, 2011

  Have you seen the new Chinese cook book. It's called,  101 ways to wok your dog.

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklow

  Jul 23, 2011

  Why do cats chase mice ?    Because the little devils keep running away.

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• T=

  

  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Aug 8, 2011

  A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a handsome Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping." "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down." "I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals." "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars", says the owner. The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklow

  Aug 9, 2011

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  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Aug 9, 2011

  A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklow

  Aug 9, 2011

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• TO

  

  TonyJ63

  Aug 13, 2011

  I get all my bathroom fittings & furniture from my local chinese take-away. Last night I bought suite & shower!

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• T=

  

  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Aug 13, 2011

  A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
  The bartender turns to the grasshopper and says
  “hey, you know we have a drink named after you?"
  The grasshopper responds "why in the heck do you have a drink named Clyde?"

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• T=

  

  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Aug 13, 2011

  A horse walks into a bar, he sits down and the bartender
  asks him, “Why the long face?”
  Then a second horse walks in with jumper cables attached to its head, he sits
  down, and the bartender says, “I don’t mind the long face, but don’t you go and try to start anything!”

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklow

  Aug 14, 2011

  A woman got caught riding nude in public.  She gives birth in a few months time.

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  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Aug 15, 2011

  A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park.
  Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the dollar.
  "There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work anymore?"
  "Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."

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• MI

  

  MidGaNudist

  Aug 16, 2011

  A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and... a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me. "Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
  He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
  He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine!!!" He lost 63 pounds that week.

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  Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

  Aug 17, 2011

  A grubby little boy came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"
  Thinking this was a new game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?
  "WOW!" cried the boy. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

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