More Wife Jokes. — Humor and Fun on True Nudists

ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster

May 7, 2012

These two guys go out hunting and the one guy has a scope on his gun and he says to the other guy "Hey I can see your house through the scope and your wife cheating on you with another man!" So the other guy says "alright shoot her in the head and shoot him in the private parts." So the shooter says "Well I can get that in one shot."

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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
May 7, 2012
A guy I knew and did not like was always complaining that his wife was frigid,
He kinda got upset when I said, "No she isn't!"
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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
May 7, 2012
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
May 7, 2012
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy?
The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty,
and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
May 7, 2012
hehe, I like that one.
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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
May 7, 2012
First guy proudly: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
May 8, 2012
A wife was helping her husband to set-up his Computer. The husband was in a cheeky mood so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it obvious to his wife that he was typing in the word "penis" as password. His wife fell over from laughter when the computer replied: "Password rejected - not long enough".

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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
May 8, 2012
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,
"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere"
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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
May 9, 2012
Two men were sitting at a bar and staring into their drinks. One guy got a curious look on his face and asked his friend, "Have you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
The friend said, "Yep. I've been married to one for15 years."
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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
May 9, 2012
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spent his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
May 9, 2012
I can't think of any jokes, my mind has turned blonde.
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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
May 9, 2012
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
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jaybirds
May 10, 2012
One afternoon, a couple who have been married for 15 yrs are working in their garden together. As the wife bent over to pull some weeds, the husband says, "Honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is as big as the gas grill." The husband picks up a yardstick to prove his point. First, he measures the grill, then he measures his wife's butt. "Yeah", he says, "just about the same size."

That evening as they went to bed, the husband cuddles up to his wife saying, "How about a little lovemaking?" The wife turns over, with her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asks. She answers sarcastically, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"
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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
May 10, 2012
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted.
"And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal
to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want.

Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there will
be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."
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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
May 11, 2012
Young Wife

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice. "Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling, I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb under the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy."

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?"

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, you should've checked the brakes, your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
May 11, 2012
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted".
The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing:
"You can have mine."
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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
May 12, 2012
If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose,
would you go to lunch or to the cinema?
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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
May 12, 2012
[quote]If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose,
would you go to lunch or to the cinema?
[/quote]It would all depend on where the barmaid wanted to go, after breakfast.
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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
May 12, 2012
The New Barmaid
A Pub Landlord advertises for a new barmaid and is delighted to receive applications from three equally suitable candidates for the job.
He calls them all in to see him and at the end of each interview he asks each one the same single question.

â€œIf you were cleaning the bar once it was closed for the night and found a ten pound note on the floor, what would you do with it?â€

The first candidate replied â€œI would place the money in the till. You have been kind enough to give me a job and I am happy with my wage. The money is yours.â€

The second candidate replied â€œI would place the money in the till and take five pounds out for myself. That way we are splitting the money, and thats only fair.â€

The third candidate replied â€œI would keep the money. Its a perk of doing the most menial task and, as such, it is my right to keep any money I find.â€

Which one got the job?

The one with the biggest tits.

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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
May 13, 2012
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it wasthe only time of the month that my wife wasn't faking it.
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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
May 13, 2012
[img src="http://www.toonpool.com/user/648/files/orgasm_faker_389215.jpg">
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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
May 13, 2012
During a bank robbery, one robbers mask slid down.
He looked at a man and asked, Did you see my face?
The man said yes and the robber shot him.
Then he asked a woman, Did you see my face?
She said, No, but my husband over there did.
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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
Jun 4, 2012
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.

They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
Jun 12, 2012
A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find herhusband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was aboutto storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired andbedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roastbeef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandalson her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discardedbecause they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her asweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because thecolor did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pairof yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then whenshe was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is thereanything else your wife doesn't use any more?"
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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
Aug 15, 2012
[img src="http://data.whicdn.com/images/18274051/b6054caeeec7a9800fbf43042345b6c8_large.jpg">
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