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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
Aug 23, 2012An Alcoholic, a Chain Smoker and a Homosexual go to the doctor.
The doctor says: "If any of you indulge one more time you'll die."
As they walk home they pass a bar. The Alcoholic has a shot of whiskey, falls off his stool stone cold dead. His friends are shocked.
As they walk along they come upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground still burning. The Homosexual looks at the Chain Smoker and says: "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"
The doctor says: "If any of you indulge one more time you'll die."
As they walk home they pass a bar. The Alcoholic has a shot of whiskey, falls off his stool stone cold dead. His friends are shocked.
As they walk along they come upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground still burning. The Homosexual looks at the Chain Smoker and says: "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"
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- MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterAug 23, 2012Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day: The first worm - dead. Second worm - dead. Third worm - dead. Fourth worm - alive.
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterSep 9, 2012
There was this sailor aboard a large ship, Jones was his name and he never lost a bet.
The week before he bet the captain that the ship was going to experience the largest storm in history, the captain said "there is nothing on the radar, your on". That night the ship experienced the largest storm in history and the captain lost $200. Tired of loseing to Jones the captian decided to transfer him to the the flag ship with the fleet admiral. He warned the admiral never to bet with Jones he never losses a bet.
One day Jones came up to the admiral and said, I bet you $20 you have hodgkins podgkins desease. The admiral replied "what the hell is that, how do know if you have hodgkins podgkins desease?" Jones said well there is only one way to tell if you have hodgkins podgkins desease you stick a banana up your ass and if it comes out red you have hodgkins podgkins desease if it comes out yellow you dont." The admiral dropped his pants and stuck a banana up his ass and it came out yellow. "Ha" said the admiral "i dont have hodgkins podgkins desease."
Immediatly after winning to Jones he called the captian of the ship Jones was transfered from and said "i won a bet against Jones" and the captian said how "well he bet me $20 i had hodgkins podgkins desease and the only way to tell was to stick a banana up your ass and if it comes out red you got hodgkins podgkins desease, if it comes out yellow you dont, and it came out yellow." The captain Immediatly replied "Jessus Christ i just bet him $1000 last week that he couldnt get you to stick a banana up your ass!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterSep 19, 2012A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.
Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
Customer : I guess so. I'll take one.
Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
Customer : Um, okay.
Sales manager: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.
Customer : I'll take one of those too.
After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for."
Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
Man: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
Man: Why would I want to do that?
Sales assistant: Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMar 28, 2013I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to.
A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'.
'I'd like to stay here' I said.
So she replied 'Ok. Stay there'.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterApr 10, 2013Danny sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Shirley, a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Andy, "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry." Danny says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Andy knocks at Shirleys door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andy's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaauuuggghhh!"ReactReply - SO
SoupieApr 10, 2013Well, you have covered all the bases. Homophobia, making light of addiction, and making fun of women. Nothing too funny there, but certainly a great display of ignorance. Congratulations!ReactReply - SOSoupieApr 10, 2013
I can see yours.
ReactReply - T=
Tom === Thomas S. TierneyApr 10, 2013The Canadian Goose's diarrhea has returned.ReactReply - JOJohnupnorthJun 24, 2013I heard this one from a buddy; from Willie Nelson's joke book:
A drunk fall out of a two story window and lands on the sidewalk with a splat.
A guy walks up to the drunks and asks," have an accident?'
The drunk says,"I dunno, I just got here."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterAug 15, 2013Little Johnny and Little Lisa are only 10 years old, but they know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Lisa's father to ask for his blessing.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Jones, me and Lisa are in love and I want to ask you for your blessing."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Jones replies, "Well Johnny, you're only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Lisa's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just cute, Mr. Jones says, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. How will you afford food and rent?"
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "With our allowance. Lisa gets 5 bucks a week and I get 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Jones is realizing that Johnny has put much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
He then says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you've got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have kids of your own?"
Johnny shrugs his shoulders and says "We've been lucky so far..."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterAug 24, 2013The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."
But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the Pope."
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.
The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?
Cop: More.
Chief: Who's more important than the president?
Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope driving for him!ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterOct 24, 2013A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him. She was so thrilled to have him around that when the postman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home!"ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterOct 31, 2013A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from London to New York.
The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me 5 pounds, and vice-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me 5 pounds, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you 500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five pound note and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the British Science Museum. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her 500 pounds. The blonde politely takes the 500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer 5 pounds, and goes back to sleep"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOct 31, 2013A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane.Being bored, he turned to the girl and said,"Let's talk. I've heard thatflights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellowpassenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy,"What would you like to talk about?"Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let meask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff...grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discussnuclear power when you don't know shit?"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterNov 4, 2013Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment,
the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of
saving every penny to buy a "dream home".
Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within
their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining
again.
"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no
curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I
take a bath."
"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you,
THEY will buy curtains."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterNov 4, 2013The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a sheep walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the sheep's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the sheep. "Your name is written inside the cover."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterNov 5, 2013A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"
The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."
The man says, "And the Viagra?"
"Keeps him from falling out of bed."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterNov 12, 2013One night, a wife is up late waiting for her husband to come home. ''Where have you been?'' she asks him when he walks in the door.
''Oh honey, you wouldn't believe it. I went to this new bar called the Golden Bar. It had gold ashtrays, gold stools, gold cups, and even gold toilets,'' replies her husband, who is plainly drunk. The wife thinks once about it but then goes to bed.
The next day she finds the Golden Bar's phone number and calls it up. ''Hello, is this the Golden Bar?'' she asks.
''Yes, this is, ma'am,'' replies the man on the other line.
''Yes, my husband told me about your bar and I was wondering if you would answer some questions. One, do you have golden ashtrays?''
''Yes.''
''Do you have golden stools?''
''Yes.''
''Do you have golden cups?''
''Yes.''
''Do you have golden toilets?''
There is a pause on the phone, then a couple seconds later she hears the man speak. ''Hey Jimmy,'' he calls into the bar, ''I think we found out who shit in your tuba!''ReactReply - HA
HawkNov 12, 2013
3 Kids Fishin
Barrack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, I want to go to Disney World & Barrack said, No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.
The second kid said, I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes. Barrack said, I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.
The third kid said, I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.
Barrack was a little perplexed by this and said, But you don't look like you're handicapped.
The kid said, I will be after my Dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterDec 6, 2013An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish Mayfair building, when a young and beautiful women gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly," Romance" by Ralph Lauren, £150 an ounce. Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, £200 an ounce. About three floors later the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says "Broccoli 49 pence a pound".ReactReply
- NUnudecountry77Dec 6, 2013[quote]An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish Mayfair building, when a young and beautiful women gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly," Romance" by Ralph Lauren, £150 an ounce. Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, £200 an ounce. About three floors later the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says "Broccoli 49 pence a pound".[/quote]
Figured it had to end this way!!!ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterDec 7, 2013A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa what are you doing?" the grandson exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterJul 27, 2014
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He'd been employed there for years when he came home one day and told his wife he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife, terribly concerned, suggested that he saw sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill refused - he'd be too embarrassed, he said, and vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
So a few weeks later, Bill came home one day white-faced. His wife knew something was seriously wrong. "My God, Bill, what's wrong?" she asked. Bill looked at her. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh Bill, you didn't," she moaned, horrified.
"Yes, I did," replied Bill.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterJul 29, 2014An American tourist asks an Irishman “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?â€
To which the Irishman replies: “If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the bloody boat.â€ReactReply