Best Jokes — Humor and Fun on True Nudists

ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster

Aug 23, 2012

An Alcoholic, a Chain Smoker and a Homosexual go to the doctor.

The doctor says: "If any of you indulge one more time you'll die."

As they walk home they pass a bar. The Alcoholic has a shot of whiskey, falls off his stool stone cold dead. His friends are shocked.

As they walk along they come upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground still burning. The Homosexual looks at the Chain Smoker and says: "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"

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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
Feb 4, 2015
It's only when the tide goes out that you discover who's been swimming naked.
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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
Feb 4, 2015
I went to a nudist wedding a few months ago. I came within half an inch of being the best man.

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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
Feb 4, 2015
It's easy to see who is the best man at a nudist wedding.
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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
Feb 6, 2015
A chicken farmer went to a local bar sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence" the farmer says "This is a special day for me .. I am celebrating" "This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence!" says the farmer? As they clinked glasses the man asked "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!" "What a coincidence "says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs " "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different cock," he replied. The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence".
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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
Feb 7, 2015
My girlfriend came out of the shower and said, "I shaved my pussy you know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah the damned drain is clogged again."
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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
Feb 28, 2015
A friend asked a gentleman why he never married?
Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.
"Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man."
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Matt
Mar 1, 2015
Two hunters are in the woods when one collapses. The other quickly calls 911.
"Help! My friend collapsed and I don't think he's breathing. I think he may be dead!"
"Calm down," says the 911 operator, "I can help. You said you think he's dead. The first thing to do is make sure."
"Hold on, I'll be right back." After a couple of seconds, a shot is heard.
The hunter comes back on the line and says "OK, now what?"
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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
Mar 1, 2015
Patient: "No one takes me seriously."
Psychiatrist: "Well, now you're just being silly."
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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
Apr 21, 2015
Julie was driving a people carrier full of ten screaming kids through the high street looking for a space. Too frazzled to effectively pay attention, she coasted right through a stop sign.A man in a passing car leaned out of his window and yelled, "Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?"Julie out of her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these kids are all mine?"
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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
Apr 22, 2015
Doctor: "I just lost my best patient."
Friend: "What did he die of?"
Doctor: "He didn't die...he got well."
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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
Sep 9, 2015
A Kiwi and an Aussie went fishing one afternoon and decided to have a couple of cold beers.

After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The Kiwi after a great deal of thought, says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
Sep 15, 2015

Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.

The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have. I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy".

The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved".

The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".

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Bill Bowser
Sep 16, 2015
[quote]Bob, an undertaker, recently came homewith a black eye."What happened to you?" asked his wife."I had a terrible day." replied Bob . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said theycouldn't get himinto a body bag because he had this huge erection.Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lyingon the bed with this huge erection.So I grabbed it with both handsand tried to snap it in half.""I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"Bobreplied:"Wrong room."[/quote][/quote]
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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
Sep 23, 2015
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died." After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor. " She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
Sep 23, 2015
A big mouth college student challenged a senior citizen saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his world.
"You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers, the internet..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior said,
"You're right sonny." "We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them!"

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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
Oct 9, 2015
An elderly man driving erratically was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
Oct 9, 2015
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up andsat down next to him.
He had spiked hair in different colors: green, red,orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared at him.
The young man turned to him and said sarcastically,
"What's the matter, OldTimer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied,
"Got drunk once and had sexwith a parrot.
I was just wondering if you were my son."

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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
Oct 13, 2015
A priest and a rabbi are skinny dipping, when a busload of nuns stops between the stream and their clothes. All they have are their hats, so when they run across the road, the priest covers up his privates, and the rabbi covers up his face.After reaching their clothes in the bushes, the priest asks "Why didn't you cover your privates?"And the Rabbi responds "I don't know about your congregation, but mine recognizes my face."
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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
Oct 17, 2015
Why is it okay to tell Helen Keller jokes? Because she cant hear them anyway!
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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
Oct 19, 2015
A boy who was a witness to a crime was on the witness stand in court.
He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"
"Yes, sir," answered the boy.
"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"
"My father, sir."
"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.
"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, everything would be all right."

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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
Oct 20, 2015
Never trust atoms. They make up everything.
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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
Oct 21, 2015
A linguistics professor decided to spice up his lecture by comparing languages to mathematics.
As he scribbled examples on the board, he explained how both math and languages had positives and negatives.
In both math and language, two negatives, when combined, make a positive.
However," he droned on, "in math or language two positives never make a negative.
From the back row of the room one student sighed, "Yeah, right."

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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
Oct 22, 2015
Bono and the Edge walk into a bar...
The bartender looks up at them and says, "Oh, not you two again."
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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
Oct 22, 2015
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

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