MA
ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
Aug 23, 2012An Alcoholic, a Chain Smoker and a Homosexual go to the doctor.
The doctor says: "If any of you indulge one more time you'll die."
As they walk home they pass a bar. The Alcoholic has a shot of whiskey, falls off his stool stone cold dead. His friends are shocked.
As they walk along they come upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground still burning. The Homosexual looks at the Chain Smoker and says: "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"
The doctor says: "If any of you indulge one more time you'll die."
As they walk home they pass a bar. The Alcoholic has a shot of whiskey, falls off his stool stone cold dead. His friends are shocked.
As they walk along they come upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground still burning. The Homosexual looks at the Chain Smoker and says: "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"
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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyJul 29, 2014One morning, an American tourist and an Englishmen are strolling down a London street, when they see a stray dog licking its own testicles.
The Englishmen turns to the American and says, "Say, I wish I could do that!"
The American says, "He looks friendly, But don't you think you ought to get to know him first?"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterAug 8, 2014A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still poking!"ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyAug 8, 2014A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterSep 5, 2014A man sits next to a very attractive woman on an airplane. He asks her what kind of men she is interested in. Her top three choices are Native American men, Jewish men and Southern men. The woman asks the man what his name is.He replies "Geronimo Bernstein, but my friends call me Bubba."ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneySep 6, 2014Doctor: "I just lost my best patient."
Friend: "What did he die of?"
Doctor: "He didn't die...he got well."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterSep 13, 2014
[img style="TOP: 0px; LEFT: -5px" class="_46-i img" alt="Juat a heads up. Steven Lynch" src="https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/s480x480/10687030_10152676481562866_2381806467988661733_n.jpg?oh=ec37d43cff2fb3ff0428da79ef891271&oe=548E4CC5" width=480 height=359>
ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneySep 13, 2014No that is not your best joke.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneySep 14, 2014My ex and I were walking down the street when a man stopped us.
"I'm taking a survey," he said. "Do you think there is too much sex in movies?"
"I'm not sure," replied my ex. "I get too wrapped up in the film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterSep 14, 2014Husband: You've brought religion into my life.Wife: Really? How?Husband: Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell.ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterSep 30, 2014A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneySep 30, 2014One evening, Prince Charming walked into a tavern appearing downtrodden.
Immediately, the bartender turned to Prince Charming and asked him why he's so glum.
"You wouldn't believe it," the Prince replied. "I was walking through the Enchanted Forest when suddenly I approached Snow White, fast asleep on a bed of stone. The dwarf next to her told me that she had eaten a poisonous apple and could only be revived through a kiss from my very lips.
I gave her a peck on the cheek. Nothing. So I give Snow White a real deep kiss while massaging her hair with my fingers. Nothing. Soon enough, I'm making passionate love to her right there in the woods, when suddenly she screams out, 'Ah yes - yes'!"
"That's great!" the bartender excitedly replied to Prince Charming.
"Then she is alive!"
Shrugging his shoulders Prince Charming replied, "Nah. She was faking it."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterOct 16, 2014
Letters to a landlord Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.
This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.
Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOct 16, 2014"You Can't Take It With You (when you die)" - Well..., that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in your pockets.ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterOct 16, 2014A White Sox fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Yankees fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.
One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.
"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.
Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankees fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time.
Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything.
He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankees fan."
"That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOct 16, 2014Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.
"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
"Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterOct 16, 2014A woman is having a problem with her closet door, it was falling off every time a bus was passing by.
So she called a repair man.
The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls off every time a bus passes by.
"OK, I'm going to see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet.
Just then, the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.
Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"
Repairman: "Well, you're not going to believe it, but I'm waiting for a bus!"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOct 17, 2014A guy gets a new job and he works Tuesday to Friday, but on Monday he calls his boss and says:
"I cannot come in today. I'm sick."The same thing happens next week and the week after.
The boss gets irritated, but he doesn't want to fire the guy, because he's really good at what he does.
He calls him in his office and says to him:
"Listen, I'm really happy that I've hired you, but you simply don't work on Mondays.
Tell me what the problem is? Do you drink a lot, do you take drugs?"
"No," replies the guy, "I don't drink at all and I don't do drugs. But my sister is married to this guy, who drinks every weekend. So when he comes home he beats her really badly. I go to visit her every Monday to make sure she's OK.
She starts crying on my shoulder, one thing leads to another and then we start fucking."
"You fuck your sister?"
The guy replies, "Hey, I told you I was sick."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyDec 30, 2014A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise.
Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 5:30 a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
After a month of running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what "runner’s euphoria" was.
"Runner’s euphoria," he explained, "is what I feel at 5:30 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterJan 8, 2015The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyJan 9, 2015Two secretaries were talking about their work. "My boss insists everything must be filed in alphabetical order. I hate it," said one. "No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I'm looking for. I forget where I have filed them."
"I used to have that problem too, but no more," her blonde friend said. "Now I make 26 copies of everything I type and file one under each letter of the alphabet. That way, I can't miss it!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterJan 9, 2015A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyJan 10, 2015A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list.
"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt,
and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and
a piece of used carbon paper to earn a $5.00 prize."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyJan 24, 2015I met my wife in a bar.
What a surprise, I thought she was home watching the kids.ReactReply - DS
David SipeFeb 4, 2015How do you spot a flasher at a nude beach? The three piece suit and rain coat, is a dead give awayReactReply