MA
ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
Feb 22, 2012A wife arrived home late one night and quietly opened the bedroom door. On seeing four legs under the blanket instead of two, she picked up a baseball bat and started hitting the blanket as hard as she could. She then went to the kitchen for a drink and was surprised to see her husband sitting reading a magazine.
" Hi darling " says the husband, " Your parents have come to visit, so I said they could have our room, you don't mind do you "
" Hi darling " says the husband, " Your parents have come to visit, so I said they could have our room, you don't mind do you "
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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyFeb 27, 2012# 27
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterFeb 27, 2012#28
I'm having a funny dream about being on the computer at nearly 2 AM. Nah, can't be, I pinched myself and didn't feel anything, so I must be dreaming.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyFeb 29, 2012# 29
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of an enormous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterFeb 29, 2012#30
Haha,....not the instructor. Love that one.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyMar 5, 2012# 31
A guy met a carny girl at the visiting carnival, and she invited him back to her trailer for the night.
When they arrived at her trailer, they went right into her bedroom.
The guy noticed that the room was filled with stuffed animals.
There were hundreds of them all over the place.
Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe.
Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill,
and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.
Later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked confidently,
"So... how was I?"
"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMar 5, 2012[quote]# 31
A guy met a carny girl at the visiting carnival, and she invited him back to her trailer for the night.
When they arrived at her trailer, they went right into her bedroom.
The guy noticed that the room was filled with stuffed animals.
There were hundreds of them all over the place.
Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe.
Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill,
and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.
Later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked confidently,
"So... how was I?"
"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf."
[/quote]
So you never went back for a second session.
#32ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyMar 12, 2012I told a barmaid I could guess the day she was born on just by feeling her breasts.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience.
"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
I took my hands from her boobs and replied, "Yesterday?ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMar 12, 2012" Do you have any more good jokes " my wife asked me. " No " I replied " your the last one "ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMar 26, 2012Another day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.
Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a
piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."
"Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher,
wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered
"An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking.
Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and
brownish.
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get
the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and
calls on Billy.
Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your
thinking.
Here's another: it's long, yello, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand
frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your
thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.
"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in
my pocket.
Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on
it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your
thinking!ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyMar 26, 2012I am passing this on to you because it was passed on to me and has definitely worked for me.By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found Inner Peace.
It read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished...
So far today I have finished half a bottle of vodka, a quarter bottle of red wine,
half a bottle of Scotch, some Valium,most of a box of chocolates and 5 beers.
You have no idea how good I feel.
You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterApr 16, 2012
I would be more at peace, if you sent me some of those bottles, before drinking the lot.
ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyMay 12, 2012I was in a pub last night and I was seated near two rather large girls at the bar.
They both had strange accents so I said, "Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?"
One of them screamed..."It's Wales you fucking idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMay 13, 2012[quote]I was in a pub last night and I was seated near two rather large girls at the bar.
They both had strange accents so I said, "Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?"
One of them screamed..."It's Wales you fucking idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
[/quote]RONTFLMSOReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyMay 13, 2012Mark stopped by to see his friend Angus (a Scotman)
to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls.
Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see."
to which Angus replied "No. I'm moving to a house down the road."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMay 13, 2012
- An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a pub and each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.The Scotsman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyMay 13, 2012After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said,
"I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMay 14, 20123 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyMay 14, 2012Health Club
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting.
The director of the group said,
"Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine."
Several people spoke and admitted their excesses.
One obviously overweight member said, "I eat moderately,
I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently."
"Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?"
"Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMay 27, 2012A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.
A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.
"Where can I buy one?" he is asked.
Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.
"I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money.
I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?
"Sure."
The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news."
I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.
The city feller says just give me my money back then.
"Can't, spent it already!"
"Well... unload the mule then."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"Raffle him off!"
"Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!"
"Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks."
One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.
"What did ya do with that dead mule?"
"Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMay 28, 2012A market researcher called at a house and a young woman answered his knock with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company, Cheese borough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMay 29, 2012Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging
their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other
knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet
back."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMay 30, 2012A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?â€
Not one hand went up ….. so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folks think!ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMay 31, 2012A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The dog handler says to the first man, "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this."
He tells the dog, "Rover, search."
The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy", and turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy", and turns to the first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."
"That's marvelous, I've never seen anything like it!" says the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and poops all over the place.
The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the bloody hell is going on?"
The handler replies, "He's just found a bomb!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterMay 31, 2012
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