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ManOfWicklowOriginal Poster
Feb 22, 2012A wife arrived home late one night and quietly opened the bedroom door. On seeing four legs under the blanket instead of two, she picked up a baseball bat and started hitting the blanket as hard as she could. She then went to the kitchen for a drink and was surprised to see her husband sitting reading a magazine.
" Hi darling " says the husband, " Your parents have come to visit, so I said they could have our room, you don't mind do you "
" Hi darling " says the husband, " Your parents have come to visit, so I said they could have our room, you don't mind do you "
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- MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterJun 11, 2012Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?""Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."ReactReply - T=
Tom === Thomas S. TierneyJun 12, 2012It was the night of the worst blizzard of the year. Thestreets were filled with drifting snow, and the winds werehowling fiercely. A man, covered with snow and frost, entersa bakery.
He says to the baker, "I'll have one chocolate covered donut."
The baker wrapsthe one chocolate covered donut and asks if there's anything else he can gethim.
"No, that's it,"says the man, "just one chocolate covered donut."
The baker says, "You came out on the worst night of theyear to buy just one chocolate covered donut?"
The man says, "Yes, for just one chocolate covered donut."
The baker asks, "Are you married?"
The man says, "Of course. Do you think my mother wouldsend me out on a night like this?"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterJun 12, 2012
New Boots
An old farmer went out and bought a new pair of boots.
He got home and tried to get his old lady to notice them, but she didn't. So he went in the bedroom, took off all his clothes, and came out wearing only the new boots.
"Notice anything?", He said.
"All I can see is a limp dick". She replied.
"Yes, but look at what its pointing at, My new boots". He said.
"Huh" she replied, "Then you should have bought a new hat"!ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyJun 12, 2012Q: Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as agas station attendant?
A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the carReactReply - JA
jaybirdsJun 13, 2012Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
The fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable!"ReactReply - JAjaybirdsJun 14, 2012A guy goes to the doctor because he can't get any women to have sex with him since he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Anyway the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch takes a look at his problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you, and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter." Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes to the forest.
He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog. The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No!" The guy looks down, and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey this is great, he thinks, let's try this again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog. The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!" Now he's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect.
So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?" The frog yells back, "Look, how many times do I have to tell you, NO, NO, NO!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterJun 14, 2012A local zoo has just received a prized female silverback gorilla. However, there are no male silverbacks for her. The zookeeper notices she has begun to grow angry and try to grab customers. After some research, the zookeeper determines the gorilla is in heat.
One day, he approaches the redneck janitor with an offer.
Would you have sex with that gorilla for $500?
The redneck janitor says:
Yes, under 3 conditions.
Condition 1, she cant kiss me.
Condition 2, you cant tell anyone.
The zookeeper agrees to these conditions, but asks the janitor what the third is.
The janitor replies:
You might have to give me some time to come up with the $500.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterJun 17, 2012Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.
The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo."
The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it?
The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position, too...' Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."ReactReply - JAjaybirdsJun 19, 2012A young man from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager asks. "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." After talking a little more, the manager takes a liking to the kid and gives him a job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close, and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was closed, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.00" The boss's eyes bug out and he says, "$101,237.00? What the hell did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well this guy came in and first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook, and a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast. So I told him he was gonna need a boat, and we went down to the boat dept. and I sold him that new twin-engine Chris Craft. The he said he didn't think his little Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him over to the automotive dept. and sold him a new 4X4 SUV."
The boss says, "Wait a minute. A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said,
'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!!!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterJun 22, 2012
A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive only some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterJul 1, 2012A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's
garden.
"I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to
a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies
for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the
farmer's hand. "I'll pick it up in about a week."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterJul 2, 2012Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London.
Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits 5.00 each, Shirts 2.00 each, trousers 2.50 per pair".
Jock said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent".
"OKJock, I'll keep me mouth shut" said Jimmy
They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at 5.00 each, 100 shirts at 2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at 2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Jock. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners........" !ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterJul 3, 2012A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment had passed, they both managed to fall asleep - the woman on the top bunk, and the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leaned over the edge of the bunk and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, Sir, but I am terribly cold and was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?"
The man looked up with a glint in his eye and said, "I've got a better idea... why don't we pretend we're married?" "Why not?!" giggled the woman. "Good," he replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterJul 3, 2012Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterJul 12, 2012Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night? " "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterJul 15, 2012A West Virginia Moutaineers fan and a Pittsburgh Panthers fan were driving along when all of a sudden the West Virginia fan slams on the brakes.
There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the West Virginia fan said "We Mountaineers never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep.
Then he says to the Pittsburgh fan, "Your turn"...
And the Panthers fan bends over and sticks his head in the fence.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterJul 17, 2012The local charity homeless charity asked me if I could make a small donation, I said "Do you accept small cheques" "Yes we do" he replied. "What tartan would you like" I answered.ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterAug 13, 2012
Janet was a first time contestant on the $65,000 television quiz show. So far, luck was on her side since she had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She had even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Janet agreed to return the following day and was extremely nervous as her husband drove them home.
"I just have to win tomorrow," she said, "I really wish I knew what the answer is! You realize I'm not going to be able to sleep at all tonight and will probably look horrible tomorrow."
"Relax, honey," her husband, Robert, said reassuringly. "Everything's going to be fine."
Minutes after they arrived home, Robert grabbed the car keys and started to head out the door. "Where are you going?" Janet asked.
"I have one small errand to run," Robert replied. "I should be back soon."
After an agonizing two hour absence, Robert returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" he said.
"You did?" Janet cried excitedly. "Quick, tell me!" "OK. The question is, 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is: 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'" Robert said.
The couple then went to sleep with Janet, now feeling more confident and at ease, falling into a deep slumber. However, at 3:00 in the morning, Janet was shaken awake by Robert who was aksing her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart and the penis," Janet groggily replied before returning to sleep. Robert asked her again in the morning, this time as she was brushing her teeth. Once again, Janet gave the correct answer.
So it was that Janet was once again on the set of the quiz show. Although she knew the question and answer, she could still feel butterflies in her stomach. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous day's events, faced Janet and asked the big question.
"Janet," he said, "for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Ummm, uhhhh, the head?" she said.
"Very good. Six seconds."
"Hmmm, uhhh, the heart?" Janet said, shaking nervously.
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, ummm, ohhhh darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning... "
"That's close enough!" said the show's host. "CONGRATULATIONS!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOriginal PosterAug 20, 2012A man walked into a bar one evening, evoking a gasp from all who were there.
The man's head was extremely undersized in relation to his body. He seemed to
not be bothered by it at all. He spent great sums of money in the bar treating
all the guests to several rounds. The bartender struck up a conversation with
the disfigured man and at last the subject came around to the mans deformity.
He relayed this story: One day, I was out hunting and came upon the strangest
sight I had ever beheld. There was this extremely beautiful winged woman pinned
under the fallen branch of a tree. I immediately removed the large branch
freeing her. She told me she was a fairy and that for saving her she would
grant me three wishes. I wished for all the money I could ever want and a large
house. I was having trouble coming up with the third wish when I looked her up
and down and said my third wish was to have hours of passionate sex with her.
She said that it was not possible. Trying to compromise, I asked if my third
wish could be to just simply grope around on her body for a while. She said
that too was impossible. She further stated that I could not touch her but that
she could touch me. The idea immediately sprang into my mind but my choice of
words was my undoing, "How about a little head?!"ReactReply