font size="2"On their wedding night, the young bride Jodie, approached her new Husband Marvin and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, Marvin readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find Marvin in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that CalTrans was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid Anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, Jodie handed him a bank book which showed more than Thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, Marvin was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my Business!
That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their Mouths shut.
/fontReplies
- SWSwifthawkOriginal PosterOct 15, 2008
Canadian Women
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told
his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that
needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the
third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results,
but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean,
the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told
her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
God Bless CanadianReactReply - PH
PhilfreeeukOct 19, 2008An escaped prisoner, ran past a little boy playing in the street, shouting, " I'M FREE! ..I'M FREE!
So what mister, I'M FOUR!ReactReply - SWSwifthawkOriginal PosterOct 20, 2008
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi , was going up to bed, when
his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which
she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go
turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing
things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' He said
'No.' Then they said 'All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors
and an officer will be along when one is available.'
George said, 'Okay.' He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he
phoned the police again.
'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
now because I just shot them.' and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said
to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'
I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people!ReactReply - SWSwifthawkOriginal PosterOct 20, 2008
Two old drunks
Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says:
Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand.
"So, says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get! "ReactReply - SWSwifthawkOriginal PosterOct 21, 2008
A couple of blonde jokes:
Q. How do blonde brain cells die?
A. Alone.
Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. You write, "please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q. Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
A. To see what was on the other side.ReactReply - SWSwifthawkOriginal PosterOct 22, 2008
A homeless bloke was stumbling through the woods, totally wasted, when he lurched down a bank into a river where a preacher was baptising people.
He floated towards the preacher, who took it as a sign from above and asked the bum, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
"Yes, I am," slurred the drunk.
The preacher grabbed the back of his head, dunked him in the water, then pulled him up and asked, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I haven't found Jesus," the boozed-up fella replied.
Shocked at the answer, the preacher dunked him into the water again for a little longer, pulled him out and asked again, "Have you found Jesus now, brother?"
Again the bum answered, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher was at his wits end so he held the bum's head underwater until he started flailing his arms about. "Now, for the love of God, brother, have you found Jesus?" demanded the preacher.
The drunk wiped his eyes, caught his breath and said, "No - are you sure this is where he fell in?"ReactReply - SWSwifthawkOriginal PosterOct 22, 2008
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back
and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there
was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and
true to his word he made contact.
'Mary. Mary. Are you there?'
'Is that you, Fred?'
Yes. I've come back like we agreed.'
'What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have
breakfast, then off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I
have sex, I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty
much all afternoon. After supper golf course again. Then have
sex until late at night. The next day it starts all over again.'
'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'
'Not exactly, I came back as a rabbit in Saskatchewan.'ReactReply - SWSwifthawkOriginal PosterOct 22, 2008
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was REALLY angry. She told him,
'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE
THERE!!!'
The next morning Bob got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there
was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife
put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in
the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale!
Bob has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.ReactReply - SWSwifthawkOriginal PosterOct 22, 2008
choke in a pub in Newfoundland
Two newfies walk into a pub. While having
a shot of whiskey, they talk about their
moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,
who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
And, after a minute or so, it becomes
apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the newfies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes
her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya
breathe?' The woman begins to turn
blue and shakes her head no.
The newfie walks over to the woman, lifts
up her dress, yanks down her drawers and
quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with
his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a
violent spasm and the obstruction flies
out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe
again, the Newfie walks slowly back to the
bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd herd
of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but
I ain't niver seen nobody do it!'ReactReply - SWSwifthawkOriginal PosterOct 22, 2008
Some good slogans:
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tire Store
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
**************************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'
**************************ReactReply - SWSwifthawkOriginal PosterOct 22, 2008
Will I Live to see 80? Here's something to think about.*
* I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.*
* A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do
you think I'll live to be 80?'*
* He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'*
*'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'*
* Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?*
* 'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!*
* 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?'*
* 'No, I don't,' I said.*
* He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'*
* 'No,' I said. *
He looked at me and said,.... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?ReactReply - PHPhilfreeeukOct 22, 2008
haha, 'Hind Lick Maneuver' hehe, that's briliant! ......thanks Swifty.
ReactReply - TH
ThomasOct 22, 2008[color=#000000]A MAN BOARDED A PLANE WITH A BOX OF CRABS. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. The man advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out. Of course this irritated the flight attendant and she told the passenger not to worry. Shortly before landing in Atlanta she announced to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Baltimore please raise your hand. Not one hand went up . so she took them home and ate them herself! [/color][color=#000000]I like stories with happy endings[/color]ReactReply - SWSwifthawkOriginal PosterOct 22, 2008
lmao Tx! So, revenge isn't a dish best served cold, it's best served hot with a side of melted butter!
ReactReply - THThomasOct 22, 2008
That is true swift, and the melted butter needs a touch of garlic
ReactReply - SWSwifthawkOriginal PosterOct 23, 2008
Hehe...courtesy of 1cool1.
Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work,
But I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker, (who's blonde), asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,
so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY',
And give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked ''What are you doing?''
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, ''You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.''
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me,
The Boss asked her '...And where do you think you're going?''
(You're gonna love this.....)
She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!'ReactReply - SWSwifthawkOriginal PosterOct 23, 2008
Life in a nutshell
When I was married 50 years, I took a look at my wife
one day and said, "Honey, 50 years ago, we had a cheap
apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and
watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to
sleep every night with a hot 22 year old brunette.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and
plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 70 year old
grandma. It seems to me that you are not holding up
your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go
out and find a hot 22 year old brunette, and she would
make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap
apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa
bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to
solve your mid-life crisis...ReactReply - SWSwifthawkOriginal PosterOct 23, 2008
Vaseline Research
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all.
.
.
.
Wait for it...
.
.
.
My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
(AND YOU THOUGHT WHAT?)ReactReply - SWSwifthawkOriginal PosterOct 23, 2008
The Reverend John Fluff
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my
congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."
The landlord nodded and said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish up."ReactReply - SWSwifthawkOriginal PosterOct 23, 2008
Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road drinking a
couple of beers. The passenger, Harry, suddenly said, "Lord
tundering... up ahead -- it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna
getbusted fer drinkin' dese here beers!!"
Don't worry," Archie said. "We'll just pull over and finish dese
beers, then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads, and trow
the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?"
"Jist let me do de talkin', OK?"
So they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put
a label on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock,
the police officer took a long look at the two of them and said, "You
boys been drinkin'?"
"No sir," said Archie, pointing at the labels. "We're on de patch."ReactReply - SWSwifthawkOriginal PosterOct 25, 2008
These classifieds actually ran in newspapers - a smile for
your day...
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER ..
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single
bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
Nordic Track:
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one?:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1 ,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything..ReactReply - SWSwifthawkOriginal PosterOct 25, 2008
Two kids wer in the doctor's office waiting room. The first kid was crying and the other kid said, "What's wrong?"
"I'm going for a blood test and that means they're going to cut my finger," the first kid said.
The other kid started crying as soon as he heard that and the first kid said, "What's wrong with you?"
"I'm going for a urine test!" the second kid said.ReactReply - SWSwifthawkOriginal PosterOct 26, 2008
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money
if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would
know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply
mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then
arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh,
just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
"Send extra sauce."ReactReply - SWSwifthawkOriginal PosterOct 27, 2008
And another one from 1cool1. lol...keep 'em coming mate!
One of the presidential candidates was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the candidate if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, the candidate asked the class for an example of a tragedy.
One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said the candidate, "that would be an accident."
A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," the candidate said. "That's what we would call a Great Loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. The candidate searched the room and asked, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, "If your campaign plane, carrying yourself and your running mate, was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy."
"That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asked the candidate.
"Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as heck wouldn't be a Great Loss..."ReactReply