Add a Joke in Sequential Order

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Jun 9, 2013

  A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to apriest.The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
  
  "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
  
  "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
  
  The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
  
  "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
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  The newpriestis nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
  
  The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
  
  The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on', and "I understand. How did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.
  
  The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?"
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 9, 2013

  The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
  
  The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over yourchest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
  
  The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on', and "I understand. How did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things.
  
  The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?"
  ===================================================================
  
  Q: What do you call nuts on yourchest?
  
  A: Chest nuts

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Jun 10, 2013

  Q: What do you call nuts on your chest?
  
  A: Chestnuts
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  Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
  
  A: Because theirnutsfall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 10, 2013

  Q: Why domensnore when they lay on their backs?
  
  A: Because their nuts fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
  ......................................................................................
  
  Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
  A: Fourmenwatching a football game.
  
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Jun 11, 2013

  Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
  A: Fourmenwatching a football game
  ---------------------
  Q: Why do little boys whine?
  A: They are practicing to bemen.
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 11, 2013

  Little Johnny wanted to go to thezooand pestered his parents for days.
  Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
  "So how was it?" his motherasked when they returned home.
  "Great," Little Johnny replied.
  "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
  "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly,
  "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
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  A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at thezoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
  
  
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Jun 12, 2013

  A kangarookept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
  ------------------------------------------
  An Australian, visiting for the crickets, is offered a 'good time' by a delectable young lady outside Old Trafford. When they get to her flat, he asks if he can rearrange the furniture, to which she agrees.
  
  Systematically, he removes every item of furniture from the room.
  
  "Well Aussie", she says, "I've never done it like this before!"
  
  "Well Sheila, I've never actually had a woman before", he says, "but if its anything likea Kangaroo, you need planty of room!"
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 12, 2013

  An Australian, visiting for the crickets, is offered a 'good time' by a delectableyoung ladyoutside Old Trafford. When they get to her flat, he asks if he can rearrange the furniture, to which she agrees.
  
  Systematically, he removes every item of furniture from the room.
  
  "Well Aussie", she says, "I've never done it like this before!"
  
  "Well Sheila, I've never actually had a woman before", he says, "but if its anything like a Kangaroo, you need planty of room!"
  
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  An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with ayoung ladyin her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
  
  “Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend.
  
  “Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Jun 12, 2013

  
  An enormously wealthy 65-year-old manfalls in love with a young lady in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
  
  Do you think shed marry me if I tell her Im 45? he asked a friend.
  
  Your chances are better, said the friend, if you tell her youre 90.
  ----------------------------------------
  A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
  
  He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.
  
  Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at theold man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
  
  Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 12, 2013

  A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
  
  He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.
  
  Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the oldman, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
  
  Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''
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  Amanwas driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid him, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
  The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see if anything could be done. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
  The man felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man weeping on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
  "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
  The lady told the man not to worry. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She then walked over to the limp, dead animal and sprayed him thoroughly.
  Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet later, the rabbit stopped, turned around and waved at the two again. He continued down the road, stopping every 50 feet to turn and wave.
  The man was astonished. He asked the woman, "What just happened?"
  The lady smiled and turned the can so that the man could read the label. It said: "'Hare Spray - Restores life to dead hare and adds permanent wave."

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Jun 12, 2013

  
  A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid him, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
  The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see if anything could be done. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
  The man felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man weeping on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
  "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
  The lady told the man not to worry. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She then walked over to the limp, dead animal and sprayed him thoroughly.
  Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet later, therabbitstopped, turned around and waved at the two again. He continued down the road, stopping every 50 feet to turn and wave.
  The man was astonished. He asked the woman, "What just happened?"
  The lady smiled and turned the can so that the man could read the label. It said: "'Hare Spray - Restores life to dead hare and adds permanent wave."
  ---------------------------------------
  Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
  
  "Oh, my, said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
  
  "It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunnyrabbit."
  
  "Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
  
  So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 13, 2013

  Once upon a time, in a nice littleforest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
  
  "Oh, my, said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
  
  "It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
  
  "Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
  
  So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."
  **********************************************************************************************
  
  A little girl and her dog are walking through theforestwhen they suddenly fall into a pit. They scramble and scramble but can't make their way out. The little girl yells, the dog barks, but no one is around to hear their calls for help. Slowly, the night sky turns black and they find themselves engulfed in utter darkness.
  
  Off in the distance, the wolves begin howling. Each howl is louder and closer than the last.
  
  The little girl holds the dog close to her chest and says sadly to the dog, "This is the worst mess in which ever have found ourselves, my darling Sparky."
  
  "Yeah," the dog says, "we're really screwed."
  
  "Sparky," the girl says, astonished, "I didn't know you could talk."
  
  "Well," the dog says, "I was kinda waiting for the right time to tell you."
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Jun 13, 2013

  A little girl and her dog are walking through the forest when they suddenly fall into a pit. They scramble and scramble but can't make their way out. The little girl yells, the dog barks, but no one is around to hear their calls for help. Slowly, the night sky turns black and they find themselves engulfed in utter darkness.
  Off in the distance, the wolves begin howling. Each howl is louder and closer than the last.
  The little girl holds the dog close to her chest and says sadly to the dog, "This is the worst mess in which ever have found ourselves, my darling Sparky."
  "Yeah," the dog says, "we're really screwed."
  "Sparky," the girl says, astonished, "I didn't know you could talk."
  "Well," thedogsays, "I was kinda waiting for the right time to tell you."
  ----------------------------------
  This guy is at a garage sale and he sees an olddogsitting there.
  Above the dog, a sign reads, "Talking dog - five dollars."
  So, the guy says to the dog; "Can you really talk?"
  "Yes," answers the dog.
  So, the man says, "That's amazing. So, what's your story, why are you being sold?"
  "Well," says the dog. "I was born in the late 18th century and kind of wandered the earth by myself for awhile. It was good, I had a few puppies her and there. Then, around 1938, I met my master."
  "Well, what happened from there?" Asked the man.
  The dog continues, "Well, my master and I were a travelling road show until we decided to join the paratroopers to help fight the Germans in the second world war."
  "You actually jumped out of the planes?" Asked the man, very intrigued.
  "Oh yeah, me and my master," said the dog. "Then the war ended and we started a small bakery together and both met some women and he raised his kids. Summer of love came and we traveled around a bit. He was old, but was cool with it all. In the 70s we got involved in politics and were advisers to the carter administration until my master retired. And now, he's selling me."
  "Wow," said the man. "Hang on, I'll be back."
  So, the man walks up to the dogs owner and says, "Man, I can't believe you have a talking dog. That's amazing."
  "Yup, it's a talking dog," says the man, in a bored tone.
  "Well, I'll take him," he says, handing the man five dollars. "But, I gotta ask; why are you selling him?"
  The man looks at him stoically and replies, "Cause he's a habitual  liar."
  
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 22, 2013

  This guy is at agaragesale and he sees an old dog sitting there.
  Above the dog, a sign reads, "Talking dog - five dollars."
  So, the guy says to the dog; "Can you really talk?"
  "Yes," answers the dog.
  So, the man says, "That's amazing. So, what's your story, why are you being sold?"
  "Well," says the dog. "I was born in the late 18th century and kind of wandered the earth by myself for awhile. It was good, I had a few puppies her and there. Then, around 1938, I met my master."
  
  "Well, what happened from there?" Asked the man.
  
  The dog continues, "Well, my master and I were a travelling road show until we decided to join the paratroopers to help fight the germans in the second world war."
  
  "You actually jumped out of the planes?" Asked the man, very intrigued.
  
  "Oh yeah, me and my master," said the dog. "Then the war ended and we started a small bakery together and both met some women and he raised his kids. Summer of love came and we traveled around a bit. He was old, but was cool with it all. In the 70s we got involved in politics and were advisers to the carter administration until my master retired. And now, he's selling me."
  
  "Wow," said the man. "Hang on, I'll be back."
  
  So, the man walks up to the dogs owner and says, "Man, I can't believe you have a talking dog. That's amazing."
  
  "Yup, it's a talking dog," says the man, in a bored tone.
  
  "Well, I'll take him," he says, handing the man five dollars. "But, I gotta ask; why are you selling him?"
  
  The man looks at him stoically and replies, "Cause he's a habitual  liar."
  *********************************************************************************************
  
  The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing
  his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked
  up to him
  and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your
  garagedoor?
  "The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door,
  and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished
  his
  paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He
  then
  understood his assistant's question about his "garage door."
  He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask,
  "When my
  garage
  door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there? "She smiled and
  said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat
  tires.

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Jun 22, 2013

  The bosswalked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?
  "The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door,and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished
  his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his "garage door." He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask,
  "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there? "She smiled and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.
  -------------------------------------
  I just got hired by a large accounting firm. Wanting to make a good first impression, I figured I’d stay late my first day of work. As I was leaving, I sawthe bossstanding in front of the paper shredder muttering to himself. I eagerly asked him, “Can I help out?” He replied in frustration, “My secretary is gone for the day and I have this sensitive document and can’t get the machine to work.” I said, “No problem, let me show you how it works.”
  We put in the paper, and while it’s feeding the machine, he turns to me and says, “Thanks so much, all I need is one copy!”
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 22, 2013

  I just got hired by a large accounting firm. Wanting to make a good first impression, I figured Id stay late my first day of work. As I was leaving, I saw the bossstanding in front of the paper shredder muttering to himself. I eagerly asked him, Can I help out? He replied in frustration, Mysecretaryis gone for the day and I have this sensitive document and cant get the machine to work. I said, No problem, let me show you how it works.
  We put in the paper, and while its feeding the machine, he turns to me and says, Thanks so much, all I need is one copy!
  ************************************
  
  Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.
  
  She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”
  
  The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
  
  When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, mysecretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
  
  I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.”
  
  We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
  
  On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”
  
  “Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat... naked.

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Jun 24, 2013

  Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday, and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say Good Morning, alone any Happy Birthday. I thought, Well,  that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, Good morning boss, Happy Birthday. And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me. I said, By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go. We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
  tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we? I said, No, I guess not. She said, Let's go to my apartment. After arriving at her apartment she said, Boss,
  if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed bymy wife,children and
  dozens of our friends. All were singing Happy Birthday and there on the couch I sat... naked.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
  Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest a  chance to win free sex when you filled your tank.
  They pumped their gas and went to pay the male attendant.
  "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
  "Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven." "Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
  The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. "Two!" said the second guy.
  "Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
  As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
  "No way," said his buddy."Mywifewon twice last week."
  
  
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 24, 2013

  Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest a  chance to win free sex when you filled your tank.
  They pumped their gas and went to pay the maleattendant.
  "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
  "Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven." "Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
  The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. "Two!" said the second guy.
  "Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
  As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
  "No way," said his buddy."My wife won twice last week."
  ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
  
  6.  Q:  How do you tell the difference between a jet engine and a flightattendant?
  
  A:  The engine quits whining when you reach the gate.
  
  
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Jun 24, 2013

  Q:  How do you tell the difference between a jet engine and aflight attendant?
  
  A:  The engine quits whining when you reach the gate.
  -----------------------------------
  A  blondeflight attendantwas on her first layover, and was late for pickup the next day.  The purser called her room to see if she was on her way.  The blonde girl answered the phone, crying, and said, “I’m trapped in my room!”
  
  “What do you mean, you’re trapped in your room?” the purser asked.  “You’re late for pickup, come on down.”
  
  “There’s no way out,” the blonde girl sobbed.  “There are only three doors here.  One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and the other has a sign on it that says Do Not Disturb!”
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 24, 2013

  A  blonde flight attendant was on her first layover, and was late for pickup the next day.  The purser called her room to see if she was on her way.  Theblonde girlanswered the phone, crying, and said, Im trapped in my room!
  
  What do you mean, youre trapped in your room? the purser asked.  Youre late for pickup, come on down.
  
  Theres no way out, the blonde girl sobbed.  There are only three doors here.  One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and the other has a sign on it that says Do Not Disturb!
  *********************************************************
  
  Ablonde girlwas talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem.
  The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?"
  The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"
  
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Jun 24, 2013

  A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend abouther boyfriend's dandruff problem.
  The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?"
  The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"
  -------------------------------
  A Blonde suspectsher boyfriendof cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
  
  

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 25, 2013

  A Blondesuspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
  
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  There wasa blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

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• T=

  

  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Jun 25, 2013

  There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on anislandand the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back
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  On a beautiful desertedislandin the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman, 2 German men and 1 German woman, 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 English men and 1 English woman, 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman, 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman, 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman, 2 New Zealander men and 1 New Zealander woman, 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman, 2 American men and 1 American woman. One month later, the following things have occurred....
  One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
  The two French men and the French woman are living happily together, having loads of sex.
  The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
  The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
  The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
  The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
  The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
  The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who called them both “bloody wankers” and is checking out all the other men.
  Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
  The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
  The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is mproving. The two American men have committed suicide.
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Jun 26, 2013

  On a beautiful desertedisland in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman, 2 German men and 1 German woman, 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 English men and 1 English woman, 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman, 2 Japanese men and 1Japanese woman, 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman, 2 New Zealander men and 1 New Zealander woman, 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman, 2 American men and 1 American woman. One month later, the following things have occurred....
  One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
  The two French men and the French woman are living happily together, having loads of sex.
  The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
  The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
  The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
  The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
  The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
  The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who called them both bloody wankers and is checking out all the other men.
  Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
  The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
  The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is mproving. The two American men have committed suicide.
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  An American business man takes a short business trip to Japan. He arrives on a Sunday night, with meetings on that Tuesday. Since he is in a foreign land, and is bored with nothing to do, he calls up a prostitute service. AJapanese womanarrives at the door with in the hour, and the two proceed to have sex with eachother. The woman is on top, and the entire time all she says is "hoshimoto." The man doesn't know what to think, since he doesn't understand what she's saying, but the woman appears to be having a good time, so they continue. After the climax, the man pays the woman and she leaves. The next day, the American decides to play golf with some of the Japanese people he will be meeting with the next day. The round is relatively standard except for the 18th hole. When it is the American man's turn to drive, he hits a hole in one. All the Japanese people start yelling in celebration, and the American doesn't know what to say, so he says the first Japanese word that pops into his head, "hoshimoto." One of the Japanese business men looks at him, and in a thick accent says: "What do you mean, 'wrong hole?'"

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