T=
Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Jan 31, 2013Jokes in Sequential Order
Below are a few jokes; each joke is linked by a common noun to the previous joke.
Copy and paste the last joke into your post (don't quote or the quotes could get ridiculously long).
Type a joke using a common noun from the previous joke.
The next person will need to copy and paste your joke and add a new joke and so on and so on.
PLEASE LIST ONLY ONE JOKE AT A TIME.
Aredneckpassed away and left his estate in trust for his beloved widow, she can't touch it until she's 14.
A defrockedPriest, aredneck, a 14 year old cheerleader and a horse walk into a massage parlor...oops, sorry that's not a joke, that's an upcoming episode of "Law & Order SVU"
APriest, a Rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar,the bartendersays, What is this a joke?
Ahorsewalks into a bar, thebartendersays, Why the long face?
A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds hishorsehas been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town.The bartenderwalks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to walk home."
Below are a few jokes; each joke is linked by a common noun to the previous joke.
Copy and paste the last joke into your post (don't quote or the quotes could get ridiculously long).
Type a joke using a common noun from the previous joke.
The next person will need to copy and paste your joke and add a new joke and so on and so on.
PLEASE LIST ONLY ONE JOKE AT A TIME.
Aredneckpassed away and left his estate in trust for his beloved widow, she can't touch it until she's 14.
A defrockedPriest, aredneck, a 14 year old cheerleader and a horse walk into a massage parlor...oops, sorry that's not a joke, that's an upcoming episode of "Law & Order SVU"
APriest, a Rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar,the bartendersays, What is this a joke?
Ahorsewalks into a bar, thebartendersays, Why the long face?
A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds hishorsehas been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town.The bartenderwalks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to walk home."
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Replies
- MA
ManOfWicklowMay 30, 2013One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and thepreacherwere the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, "Im not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, Id feed him." So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, Im not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldnt feed him all the hay..."
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Thepreachersaid: "There's no such thing as a perfect man.
Anybody present who has ever known a perfect man, stand up."
Nobody stood up.
"Those who have ever known a perfect woman, stand up."
One demure little woman stood up.
"Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" he asked,
somewhat amazed.
"I didn't know her personally," replied the little old woman,
"but I have heard a great deal about her. She was my husband's
first wife."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 30, 2013The preacher said: "There's no such thing as a perfect man.
Anybody present who has ever known a perfect man, stand up."
Nobody stood up.
"Those who have ever known a perfect woman, stand up."
One demure little woman stood up.
"Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" he asked,
somewhat amazed.
"I didn't know her personally," replied the little old woman,
"but I have heard a great deal about her. She was my husband's
firstwife."
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"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested.
"But what if my wife finds out?"
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said hiswife."I've tried that - it never worked."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 30, 2013"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested.
"But what if mywifefinds out?"
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it never worked."
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Q: A man runs over hiswife. Whose fault is it?
A: The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 30, 2013Q: A man runs over hiswife. Whose fault is it?
A: The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.
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Q: What do you call awifewith an opinion?
A: Wrong.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 30, 2013Q: What do you call awifewith an opinion?
A: Wrong.
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Our last fight was my fault: Mywifeasked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 30, 2013Our last fight was my fault: Mywifeasked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
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Q: How hard is it to lose awife?
A: Nowadays its almost impossible!ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 30, 2013
Q: How hard is it to lose awife?
A: Nowadays its almost impossible!
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I went to my solicitor and told him I was looking to get a divorce because mywifehadn't spoken to me in six months, he told me to think it over, "wives like that are hard to get!"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 31, 2013I went to mysolicitorand told him I was looking to get a divorce because my wife hadn't spoken to me in six months, he told me to think it over, "wives like that are hard to get!"
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A Physician, an Engineer, and a Solicitor were discussing their professions. They were trying to determine which profession had been around the longest.
The Doctor said "Doctors were first. In the good book, it states that Eve was created from one of Adam’s ribs.....That required the first surgery. So Doctors were here first."
The Engineer said, "NOPE, it also said, before Adam and Eve, that God created the heavens and the earth. That required a lot of plans and engineering work, so Engineers were here first."
TheSolicitorsaid, "SORRY GUYS, solicitors were here before all that. If you read a little closer, it says that in the beginning there was confusion."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 31, 2013
A Physician, an Engineer, and a Solicitor were discussing their professions. They were trying to determine which profession had been around the longest.
TheDoctorsaid "Doctors were first. In the good book, it states that Eve was created from one of Adams ribs.....That required the first surgery. So Doctors were here first."
The Engineer said, "NOPE, it also said, before Adam and Eve, that God created the heavens and the earth. That required a lot of plans and engineering work, so Engineers were here first."
The Solicitor said, "SORRY GUYS, solicitors were here before all that. If you read a little closer, it says that in the beginning there was confusion."
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Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did - the bottle said 'keep tightly closed.'ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 31, 2013Question: Whats the difference betweena womanwith PMS and a pit bull?
Answer: Lipstick.
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A girl wants attention.
A Womanwants respect.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 31, 2013Agirlwants attention.
A Woman wants respect.
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A congressman was seated next to a littlegirlon an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly. "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJun 1, 2013One Sunday a cowboy went to church.
When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said,
"Im not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, Id feed him."
So theministerbegan his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly,
"Well, Im not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up,
I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay.
------------------------------------
A BaptistMinisterand a Presbyterian Minister are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Presbyterian leans over to the Baptist and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Baptist just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The Presbyterian persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay you $5."
Again, the Baptist politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Presbyterian, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you dont know the answer you pay me $5, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay you $50!"
This catches the Baptists attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Presbyterian asks the first question. "Whats the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Baptist doesnt say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Presbyterian.
Now, its the Baptists turn. He asks the Presbyterian "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The Presbyterian looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his church all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Baptist and hands him $50. The Baptist politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The Presbyterian, more than a little miffed, shakes the Baptist and asks "Well, so whats the answer?"
Without a word, the Baptist reaches into his wallet, hands the Presbyterian $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowJun 1, 2013ABaptistMinister and a Presbyterian Minister are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Presbyterian leans over to the Baptist and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Baptist just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The Presbyterian persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay you $5."
Again, the Baptist politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Presbyterian, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you dont know the answer you pay me $5, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay you $50!"
This catches the Baptists attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Presbyterian asks the first question. "Whats the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Baptist doesnt say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Presbyterian.
Now, its the Baptists turn. He asks the Presbyterian "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The Presbyterian looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his church all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Baptist and hands him $50. The Baptist politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The Presbyterian, more than a little miffed, shakes the Baptist and asks "Well, so whats the answer?"
Without a word, the Baptist reaches into his wallet, hands the Presbyterian $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
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The pastor of a poorBaptistchurch passed away and the congregation
went into town to take up a collection for the funeral.
"Would you give $5 to bury the Baptist preacher?"
"Here's $10," said the atheist, "bury two of them."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowJun 4, 2013
Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My father works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. Mymotherspends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"
The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"
The first kid says, "What if they try to escape
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Mrs. Bacciagalupe visits her son Anthony and his female roommate Maria.
During dinner, Momma can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two. Reading his Momma's thoughts, Anthony volunteers, "I know what you must be thinking, but Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria says to Anthony, "Ever since yourmothervisited, I haven't been able to find the silver sugar bowl. Do you think she took it?"
"I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her." He e-mails his mother: "Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house and I'm not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony."
Momma writes back: "Figlio mio, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJun 5, 2013Mrs. Bacciagalupe visits her son Anthony and his femaleroommateMaria.
During dinner, Momma can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two. Reading his Momma's thoughts, Anthony volunteers, "I know what you must be thinking, but Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria says to Anthony, "Ever since your mother visited, I haven't been able to find the silver sugar bowl. Do you think she took it?"
"I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her." He e-mails his mother: "Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house and I'm not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony."
Momma writes back: "Figlio mio, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now."
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Top Ten Ways to Freak Out YourRoommate
Previous Next
10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''
9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.
2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''
1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer.'''ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowJun 5, 2013
Top Ten Ways to Freak Out YourRoommate
Previous Next
10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''
9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much anelephantweighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.
2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''
1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer.'''
=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;=;==;==;===;=;==;;=;=;===;==;====;===;
What do you give anelephantwith diarrhea?
Lots of room!ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJun 5, 2013What do you give anelephantwith diarrhea?
Lots of room!
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What do you call anelephantat the North Pole?
Lost!ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowJun 5, 2013What do you call anelephantat the North Pole?
Lost!
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When should you feed milk to a babyelephant?
When it's a baby elephant!ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJun 6, 2013When should you feed milk to a babyelephant?
When it's a baby elephant!
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Q: What do you call anelephantwith a machine gun?
A: Sir.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowJun 6, 2013Q: What do you call anelephantwith a machine gun?
A: Sir.
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Q: What does anelephanthave that nothing else has?
A: Baby elephants.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJun 6, 2013Q: What does an elephant have that nothing else has?
A: Babyelephants.
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Q: How do you get twoelephantsout of the water?
A: One by one.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowJun 7, 2013Q: How do you get two elephants out of thewater?
A: One by one.
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A father sends his kid to bed. Five minutes later, the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass ofwater?"
The dad says, "No. You had your chance."
A minute later the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
The dad says, "No. You had your chance. Next time you ask, I'll come up there and spank you."
"Dad! When you come up to spank me, can you bring me a glass or water?"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJun 9, 2013A father sends his kid to bed. Five minutes later, theboyscreams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
The dad says, "No. You had your chance."
A minute later the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
The dad says, "No. You had your chance. Next time you ask, I'll come up there and spank you."
"Dad! When you come up to spank me, can you bring me a glass or water?"
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A littleboyis in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"
The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."
To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowJun 9, 2013A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"
The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3womensitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."
To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"
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A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wickedwomen, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."ReactReply