As we get older, Senior jokes seem to hit closer to home. Does anyone else find it humorous that we, as Seniors. have funny moments? If so, please share with us!
I will start with:
Four 'Senior' women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walks a young chick with a low cut blouse that revealed a rose bud tattoo above one boob. One lady leaned over to another and said, "She doesn't know it yet, but in 50 years she'll be wearing a long stemmed rose in a hanging basket.
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- MEMemberOriginal PosterNov 10, 2010
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
She proclaims,"I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."ReactReply - JO
JohnNov 10, 2010Give me a while to stop laughing before I post some too........ this one cracked me up.....
"Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?", "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."ReactReply - JOJohnNov 10, 2010I'll start with a short one... after all it is "Senior Moments" humour!!! An elderly looking gentleman walks into a bar. He orders a beer and turns to the young lady sitting beside him and says.... "So tell me dear, do I come here often?"ReactReply
- JOJohnNov 10, 2010Fr O'Reilly was waiting one afternoon for his usual parade of people coming to confession. An elderly man comes in, walks slowly down the aisle, bouncing from pew to pew. Finally he finds the confessional, goes in, and shuts the door. The priest goes in his side and waits. Nothing happens. He clears his throat so the fellow might know he is there and ready. No reaction. Finally, he starts losing his patience and bangs sharply on the wall three times. The elderly man in the confessional says, "It's no use knockin'.......... There's no paper in here either!"ReactReply
- JOJohnNov 10, 2010An eldery man got up on his birthday, looking in the mirror and seeing all the wrinkles decides to have a face-lift for his birthday present. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. A few days later on his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 57," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 57." Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 5 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thinks, what the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Five minutes later, the old lady takes her hand out of his pants and says, "Okay, it's done. You are 57." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was standing behind you at McDonalds."ReactReply
- MEMemberOriginal PosterNov 13, 2010[color=#b00000]An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars. Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No." Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning." Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday. " The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here." [/color]No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.ReactReply
- MA
macnudeNov 13, 2010The elderly man came home to find his wife naked wife sobbing in front of the bedroom mirror.
“What's the matter, honey?”, he asked.
“Looking in the mirror just now, I saw myself as old, fat and ugly. I could really use a compliment, right now.”
He thought for a moment, then replied, “ Well, your eyesight is damned near perfect.”
The police report stated that he died as a result of justifiable homicide.ReactReply - DE
DesertRatNov 13, 2010A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you.
Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you.
Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says,
'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the
Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'ReactReply - DEDesertRatNov 13, 2010
A man asked his wife what she'd like for Mother's Day.
"I'd love to be six again, " she replied.
On the morning of Mother's Day, he arose early, got up made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong!..ReactReply - DEDesertRatNov 13, 2010
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."ReactReply - DEDesertRatNov 13, 2010He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they c an afford is one meal for the two of them. .' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?' She answered . . . . . . .'THE TEETH.'ReactReply
- TH
ThomasNov 13, 2010An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. Another old man walks up and asks him what is wrong. The first says "I am 87 years old, have a beautiful 22 yo wife who is waiting for me in sexy nighty with wonderfull supper she cooked, After we eat we will go to the bedroom to make love for hours."
The other man says "That sounds wonderfull, why are you crying?"
The first man says "I don't remember where I live."ReactReply - MEMemberOriginal PosterNov 14, 2010
One I still remember from "Moms Mabley" years ago!
Old man walks up too little boy crying and asks "What's wrong"?
Little boy says, "Cause I can't do what the big boys do"!
The old man cried too!ReactReply - FW
Fred WilliamsonNov 14, 2010That was good
ReactReply - FWFred WilliamsonNov 14, 2010That was goodReactReply
- MEMemberOriginal PosterNov 14, 2010[quote]That was good
[/quote]
Nothing better than the old Brother Dave Gardner, Andy Griffith, Moms Mabley, Bill Cosby, Stan Freburg, and many, many more than gave us very good everyday humor that lasts forever for me!ReactReply - DEDesertRatNov 15, 2010
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding ----
Older Lady--Is there a problem Officer?
Officer---Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older woman--Oh, I see.
Officer---Can I see your license please?
Older woman---I'd give it to you but i don't have one.
Officer---Don't have one?
Woman---Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer---I see--Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer---Why not?
Woman---I stole this car.
Officer---Stole it?
Woman---Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer---You What?
Woman---His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away from the car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2:---Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman---Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2---One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman--Murdered the owner?
Officer--Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer---Is this your car ma'am?
Woman---Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2---One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2---Thank you ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman---Bet the liar told you I was speeding too.
Moral: DON'T MESS WITH OLD LADIES!!!ReactReply - DEDesertRatNov 15, 2010
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision
to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the
way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do.
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Wonderful, then we'd like to use this store as our Bridal
Registry"ReactReply - GA
gabareNov 15, 2010way too funnyReactReply - MEMemberOriginal PosterNov 16, 2010
The Doctor told us that we need to reactivate our love life. So I aske herbert if he remembered how he used to nibble my ear - thinking that was start anyway.
Well, did it work?
No, Herbert took all the romance out of it by getting out of bed to go after his teeth!ReactReply - MEMemberOriginal PosterNov 16, 2010
Two elders meet on a street corner downtown. One says to the other, "Gosh, I haven't seen you in years. I can't seem to remember - Was it you or your brother that died?"
ReactReply - MEMemberOriginal PosterNov 16, 2010[size= 8pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt] An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The chief nodded that it was so. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that! [/size]ReactReply
- MEMemberNov 16, 2010
Three old men sitting on a park bench..............
1st Old Man - Windy today isn't it ?
2nd Old Man - No, it's Thursday
3rd Old Man - So am I, Let's go for a beer !ReactReply