As we get older, Senior jokes seem to hit closer to home. Does anyone else find it humorous that we, as Seniors. have funny moments? If so, please share with us!
I will start with:
Four 'Senior' women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walks a young chick with a low cut blouse that revealed a rose bud tattoo above one boob. One lady leaned over to another and said, "She doesn't know it yet, but in 50 years she'll be wearing a long stemmed rose in a hanging basket.
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DesertRatNov 16, 2010Retirement is Just Perfect ! ! !1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. 3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job. 4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting. 5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. 6. Next, I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard. 7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. 8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience. 9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in. 10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. 11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining. 12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said Iwasn't fit for the job.13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it. 14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!ReactReply - MEMemberOriginal PosterNov 17, 2010It sure is easy posting on a forum that you can relate to...lol!An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"ReactReply
- MEMemberOriginal PosterNov 17, 2010Granny's cure all!Granny was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her parlor. He took a seat while she prepared some tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock, surprise, and, curiosity! Surely, Miss Granny had flipped! But he felt he couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. "When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the floating item, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Granny" he said while pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease! And you know,I haven't had a cold all winter."ReactReply
- MEMemberOriginal PosterNov 17, 2010
Oh my!
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So, he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."ReactReply - DEDesertRatNov 18, 2010
Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's
like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing. She tried with
her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing...
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it
between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.ReactReply - MEMemberOriginal PosterDec 7, 2010
The only thing wrong with going through a second childhood is you can't blame your parents!
ReactReply - MEMemberOriginal PosterDec 15, 2010This has been said to be a true story!An elderly Florida ladydid her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scum bags!"The four mendidn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why.A few minutes latershe found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter, and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair, carrying a large handgun.No charges were filed! Ahhh, another Senior moment!ReactReply
- MEMemberOriginal PosterDec 15, 2010
Grandpa and his grandson were sitting reading when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?" "Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little boy asked him, "Did God make me too?" "Yes, He did," the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little boy seemed to be studying his grandpa, as well as his own reflection in the mirror, while his grandfather wondered what was running through his mind. At last he spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," he said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
ReactReply - MEMemberOriginal PosterDec 15, 2010
Grandpa and his grandson were sitting reading when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?" "Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little boy asked him, "Did God make me too?" "Yes, He did," the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little boy seemed to be studying his grandpa, as well as his own reflection in the mirror, while his grandfather wondered what was running through his mind. At last he spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," he said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
ReactReply - MEMemberOriginal PosterDec 15, 2010[quote][quote]The only thing wrong with going through a second childhood is you can't blame your parents! [/quote]Most people around where I live, don't even no who their parents are.[/quote] You got me there...lol! Yes, that is correct and it is becoming more true than ever around here also! I guess the correct terminology would be that second childhood problems are totally of our own making! However, I have no date set yet that I am going to abandon my first childhood, which I am still enjoying! Heh!, Heh!ReactReply
- MEMemberOriginal PosterDec 15, 2010
Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro (subway) station in DC:
There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?' The old woman looked up at her and said, 'Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it'!
ReactReply - DEDesertRatDec 25, 2010
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."ReactReply - DEDesertRatJan 5, 2011
As a kid I prayed to God for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and then prayed to God for forgiveness.
ReactReply - MEMemberOriginal PosterJan 5, 2011
I knew it......I knew it!
I knew they would finally disclose the ingredients in Viagra!
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-FlatReactReply - MEMemberOriginal PosterJan 5, 2011
London (SatireWire.com) A breakthrough study published last week by Viagra maker Pfizer revealed that contrary to popular belief, being old does not extinguish the passion for having sex. However, researchers warned, thinking about old people having sex does.
ReactReply - MEMemberJan 5, 2011
These are awesome gold! Thank you for sharing all these classic funnies with us!
ReactReply - T=
Tom === Thomas S. TierneyJan 6, 2011Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.
ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyJan 6, 2011
The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have become even older.
ReactReply - DEDesertRatJan 6, 2011
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? And Rap Music will be the Golden Oldies!
ReactReply - DEDesertRatJan 6, 2011
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
ReactReply - DEDesertRatJan 6, 2011
A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his
Confession for the first time in many decades.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You
have no need to confess it." "It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with sexual favors.""People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal
conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a
Question?""What, my son?"
"She is pretty old now, should I tell her the war is over?"ReactReply - MEMemberOriginal PosterJan 6, 2011[quote]These are awesome gold! Thank you for sharing all these classic funnies with us![/quote] I love to share and find humorous moments and "stories". I am retired, but you can imagine what an inventory I have collected over the years. I am happy that others still share also. Many are repeat stories to me, but always enjoy renewing recycled laughs from them. If only you could sit down for a few weeks going over my "inventory".......that is what it would take! Oh, if I only had much more time to devote to sharing them..........ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyJan 7, 2011
After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next
great adventure.
~ J.K. Rowling.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyJan 13, 2011
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for STC (Senior Texting Code).
If you qualify for Senior Discounts, this is the code for you.ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)ReactReply