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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMar 29, 2015I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 2, 2015Don't drive faster than your guardian angel can fly!ReactReply
- KI
KilgoreTroutApr 2, 2015Guy goes to his doctor.
Doctor says, "I have bad news and really bad news."
The guy says, "Give me the really bad news first."
Doctor says, "You have cancer.
Guy says, "And the bad news?"
Doctor says, "You have Alzheimer's."
Guy says, "Thank God I don't have cancer."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 2, 2015Two women were watching a blonde walk by. The first one said,
"I wonder whether she's a natural blonde or a bleached blonde."
Her friend said, "She's a suicide blonde." "Suicide blonde?
What's that?" "Dyed by her own hand!"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 9, 2015A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer.
The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen.
It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them.
If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.
The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.
The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack!
So the jockey gives the horse a sharp thwap on the shoulder.
Nothing.
He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.
Nothing.
He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.
The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says
"Give it a rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver milk"!ReactReply - KIKilgoreTroutApr 11, 2015I went down to a convenience store one day that said 'Open 24 Hours.' But then, I saw a guy locking up. I said, 'The sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yeah, but not in a row.'
- Steven WrightReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 11, 2015"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it."
~Bernard BaileyReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 11, 2015"The price of freedom of religion, or of speech, or of the press, is that we must put up with a good deal of rubbish."
~Robert JacksonReactReply - MA
ManOfWicklowApr 11, 2015"The price of freedom of religion, or of speech, or of the press, is Terrorism"ReactReply - SH
ShavedNudist27Apr 11, 2015Those who do not learn from the past are destine to relive it!ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 13, 2015Two policemen call the station on their radio.
"Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here, Sarge.
A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 14, 2015Q: "Anyone remember that fairytale about the uncircumcised troll?
A: I think it was called Rumpled Foreskin"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 17, 2015If the metric system did ever take over, we'd have to change our thinking to the following:
A miss is as good as 1.1 kilometers.
Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.06 kilometers.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 18, 2015I was in the Buccaneer Lounge last night sitting at the bar waiting for a fresh scotch and water, when a
butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass.
She said, "Hey, sexy, how about giving me your number?"
I looked at her said, "Have you got a pen."
She said, "I sure do."
I said, "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 25, 2015I'm reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can't put it down.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 25, 2015Many times as I'm browsing through a bookstore I will find a book that I have read.
I will glance through it. I will see old friends.
I will leave them there. I do not need them as roommates.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 28, 2015There are other books I just give away.
They are like the ex-lovers I want to forget.
A book that I read to pass the time, there was never a need to read the sequel.ReactReply - DE
DesertRatApr 28, 2015[quote]If the metric system did ever take over, we'd have to change our thinking to the following:
A miss is as good as 1.1 kilometers.
Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.06 kilometers.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
[/quote]You're right, metrics is confusing. According to your post quoted above, it seems like one mile equals 1.1 km or 1.06 km. I don't know the answer either. I said that metrics is confusing but shouldn't it be metrics are confusing?ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 28, 2015[quote][quote]If the metric system did ever take over, we'd have to change our thinking to the following:
A miss is as good as 1.1 kilometers.
Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.06 kilometers.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
[/quote]You're right, metrics is confusing. According to your post quoted above, it seems like one mile equals 1.1 km or 1.06 km. I don't know the answer either. I said that metrics is confusing but shouldn't it be metrics are confusing?[/quote]
I believe it should be The metric system IS confusingReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 30, 2015At one time I found a book I actually feel in love with.
Sorry to say I unexpectedly lost the book that I loved so much.
I never tried to find a replacement copy.
There never could be a sequel.ReactReply - MEMemberMay 8, 2015
Hockey players are tough. Hockey goalies are crazy. Hockey fans are nuts. Long live Hockey!
ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 8, 2015No matter how big and bad you are, when a two year old hands you a toy phone, you answer it.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 10, 2015What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? --- Pumpkin Pi.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 11, 2015One evening an exciting book appeared in my life. A book with a young fresh plot I soon fell in love with.I enjoyed every chapter not knowing and not caring how the book would end.
Unexpectedly I lost the book that I loved so much. I never even tried to find a replacement copy.
I knew there never could be a sequel.ReactReply