T=
Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 12, 2015A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down.
"No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power.
Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that this is a train and not a plane."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 13, 2015I'm not a saying my ex was a bad cook but my doctor told me to start eating out.ReactReply
- MA
ManOfWicklowMay 13, 2015Some people are alive . . . only because it's illegal to kill them.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 13, 2015A lady sitting in the dentist chair told the dentist, "I would rather go through the pain of child birth than have you drill in my mouth." The dentist replied, "Well, you had better make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 22, 2015The best way to mend a broken heart is time and girlfriends.ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowMay 22, 2015A Texan schoolboy who was studying Greek Mythology?
When the teacher asked him to name something that was
half-man and half-beast he replied
"Buffalo Bill."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 22, 2015Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... That makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad.ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowMay 22, 2015[quote]Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... That makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad.[/quote]Chocolate with salad cream, yes, that sounds good.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 23, 2015When the kids texted me "plz" which is shorter than please. I texted back "no" which is shorter than "yes".ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJul 20, 2015I was having dinner with Magnus Carlsen and there was a checkered tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the saltReactReply - MAManOfWicklowJul 20, 2015[quote]I was having dinner with Magnus Carlsen and there was a checkered tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt[/quote]Dinner would be cold and stale-mate, I would check in somewhere else before I got bored waiting.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJul 20, 2015[quote][quote]I was having dinner with Magnus Carlsen and there was a checkered tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt[/quote]Dinner would be cold and stale-mate, I would check in somewhere else before I got bored waiting.[/quote]I stuck him with the check mate.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJul 30, 2015Call Girl
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when your calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her butt.
You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring all your implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We will go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowJul 30, 2015The walls in our hotel were very thin. If I ever called out a question to my wife I'd get three different answers.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 28, 2015Each evening a bird lover stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him.
For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation"...
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said. "That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband!"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 29, 2015Never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 30, 2015Kentucky hired an Amish woman to work at the DMV. She refuses to issue drivers licenses on Religious GroundsReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowOct 9, 2015An elderly couple go to church one Sunday.
Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husbands ear, "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterOct 20, 2015There was the young lady who was arrested for wearing a two-piece outfit to the beach...Socks.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterOct 21, 2015One day a six year old asked, "Daddy, what's a transvestite?"
He said, "Go ask your mother... he'll tell you."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterOct 21, 2015An aging Sheik had determined that only one of his sons would inherit his sheikdom.
To choose the benefactor, he gave each of them a horse, and instructed them that whichever horse returned last,
would be the one who inherited the sheikdom.
The sons wandered around out there on the desert for months, neither wanting to be the first to return.
Then they came upon a wise old man, and explained their plight to him.
He immediately solved their problem and the matter was decided that very day.
What advice did the wise old man give the sons?
Congratulations to all who answered:
He advised them to swap horses!ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOct 21, 2015Two men in a bar. One says "A girl I met in Sydney gave me a sexually transmitted disease".
His mate replies "you were lucky, in Darwin you would have had to pay for it!"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterOct 22, 2015*Airport Full Body Scan Status Report*
Finally, some useful facts are coming out about all of those airport
full body scans!*FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS*
*CATSA disclosed the following*
*Airport Screening Results*
*December 2014 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA :*
*Terrorists Discovered* = 0
*Transvestites* = 133
*Hernias* = 1,485
*Hemorrhoid Cases* = 3,172
*Enlarged Prostates* = 8,249
*Breast Implants* = 59,350
*Natural Blondes* = 3
*It was also discovered that 308 politicians*
*had no balls.*
Thought you'd like to know.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOct 22, 2015Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"ReactReply