T=
Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterOct 22, 2015Supposedly I was created in God's image. I don't know...
you'd think God would have a bigger penis than this.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterOct 23, 2015Mike finally comes out of the closet and admits to Bill that he is gay.
Bill says, "You're a homosexual? Are you seeing a psychiatrist?"
"No," Mike said, "I'm seeing a lieutenant in the Navy."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterOct 23, 2015Yesterday I went to a new restaurant in the neighborhood, its name is Karma.
They don't use a menu. You get what you deserve.ReactReply - MA
ManOfWicklowOct 23, 2015Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterOct 24, 2015Heisenberg and Schrodinger get pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrodinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.
"A cat," Schrodinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."
Schrodinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterNov 7, 2015I went to local Hamburger Restaurant. I asked the waitress,
"Do you really serve the meanest burgers in town?"
She said, "That's what our motto is, sir! And we are very true to it."
I ordered a hamburger and ate it.
While collecting the check, the waitress asked me, "How did you like our burger, sir?"
I said, "Mmmeh! It was about average."
The waitress beamed with joy and exclaimed, "You see! We are so true to our motto..."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterNov 15, 2015Daddy, what does "Formatting Non-removable Disk" mean?ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterNov 21, 2015Top Twenty Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex With You
20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
18. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"
17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
16. Only moans during commercial breaks.
15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.
10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda,Yadda."
9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on, too.
6. Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating!!
4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.
2. She yells out her own name.
1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterNov 25, 2015A 10-gallon hat actually only holds about 3/4 gallon.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterNov 28, 2015A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in Ireland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, Paddy drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."Paddy replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the UK and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
Paddy smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Ireland. We settle small disagreements like this with the Mic Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Mic Three-Kick Rule?"
Paddy replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
Paddy slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the Paddy's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
Paddy smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterDec 8, 2015I found a 20 dollar bill today, I wondered what to do, but then I remembered the Christian adage,
"What would Jesus do?" So I turned it into wine.ReactReply - KI
KilgoreTroutDec 9, 2015I can always tell when I given my wife an orgasm. She puts down her cell phone.
ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterDec 10, 2015$203,000,000 is spent on barbed wire each year in the U.S.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterDec 12, 2015Scientists have found the gene for shyness.
They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterDec 13, 2015I turned on the TV and some golf tournament was on. I watched for a few minutes.
It seemsthe point of golf...is to play the least amount of golf possible.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowDec 20, 2015Q: What do you call 5 Vancouver Canucks players standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterDec 20, 2015I object and take exception to everyone saying Obama and Congress are spending money like a drunken sailor.
As a former drunken sailor, I quit when I ran out of money.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterDec 21, 2015I wonder do batteries feel lonely when they are not includedReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJan 3, 2016A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer???"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJan 5, 2016Several friends were chatting over dinner in a restaurant.
A man at the next table told his mobile phone caller to hold on.
Then he stepped outside to talk.
When he returned, One the group said, "That was very thoughtful."
"I had no choice," he nodded and said. "You were making too much noise."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJan 5, 2016Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O."
The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water too."
The first chemist broke down in tears, his assassination attempt had failed.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJan 8, 2016It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett
woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the
Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along
the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim
Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of
the wall. These three men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans
moving steadily toward them.With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie
and said, "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"ReactReply - MEMemberJan 8, 2016Is naked is boring to discuss and observe? When it comes to discussing and observe . . . JOKES. OR EVEN THOUGHTS. ;-)
Speak a bit, whenever, what it's like being naked. jy
For me: It feels like not having clothes on. Natural.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJan 8, 2016A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school.
He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact:
"There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."ReactReply