Random thoughts and jokes

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklow

  Jan 8, 2016

  Q:  How is a Harley Davidson like a Porcupine?         A:  Both have pricks on their back.
  
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Jan 10, 2016

  The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast.
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Jan 27, 2016

  Bill and Jack went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days.
  As they slid in to a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat.
  Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table.
  The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.
  "No thanks," said Jack. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."
  "I'll have black coffee too," Bill said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."
  The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen.
  Two minutes later, she was back.
  "Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"
  

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklow

  Jan 27, 2016

  A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.
  
  His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."
  
  The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Jan 28, 2016

  A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife.
  The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
  A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.
  Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
  He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
  He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
  "I just can't believe this!" the distraught husband said.
  The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
  The husband replied, "I mean I just can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
  
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Jan 28, 2016

  Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
  Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
  Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
  Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Jan 29, 2016

  A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.
  Sure enough, the woman died a short time later.
  The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death.
  He summoned the astrologer and commanded him: "Prophecy, tell me when you will die!"
  The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Feb 16, 2016

  A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Feb 19, 2016

  Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible or worse bulletproof.
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to disappear.
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
  WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode.
  
  
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Feb 20, 2016

  How come we choose from just two people for President and 50 for Miss America?
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 7, 2016

  Rainy Day Reminiscing.
  One evening a beautiful young woman appeared in my life.
  For three dates we dined, danced, drank and talked.
  On the fourth date as I walked her to her door, she suggested a night cap .....
  The next morning I jokingly said,  "I was so sure that you would say yes, I brought a toothbrush with me".
  She smiled that beautiful smile, nodded toward the bathroom and said, "Yours is the blue one".
  
  
  
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 10, 2016

  The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 12, 2016

  Rainy Day Reminiscing About Books And Past Love Affairs.
  One evening an exciting book appeared in my life. A book with a young fresh plot I soon fell in love with.
  I enjoyed every chapter not knowing and not caring how the book would end.
  Unexpectedly I lost the book that I loved so much.
  I never tried to find a replacement copy. I knew there never could be a sequel.
  
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 14, 2016

  A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.So off he goes with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead - with an even uglier woman. When he asks what's going on, Steve replies, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these God-awful women.Don replies, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 18, 2016

  When hugging someone you care for always bring them to your left so your hearts meet.
  

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 18, 2016

  A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.Officer: "You were speeding." Man: "No, I wasn't." Officer: "Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket." Man: "But I wasn't speeding." Officer: "Tell that to the judge!" (The officer gives man the ticket.) Man: "Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?" Officer: "Yes, you would." Man: "What if I just thought that you were?" Officer: "I can't give you a ticket for what you think." Man: "Fine, I think you're a jerk!"
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 24, 2016

  Is it OK if I bite the hand that doesn't feed me?
  

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 24, 2016

  What would happen if you hired two private investigators to follow each other ?
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 30, 2016

  Rainy Day Reminiscing
  The bar was closing. I asked the beautiful cocktail waitress, "Your place or mine?"
  She replied, "Both." "You go to yours and I will go to mine."
  
  

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• MA

  

  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 30, 2016

  I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Apr 2, 2016

  It just so happens that Princess Di and Dolly Parton make it to the gates of Heaven on the same day.
  Saint Peter meets them at the gates and tells them that there is only one opening to be had so they needed to give their best reason why they should be admitted to Heaven.
  Dolly opens her shirt to reveal her magnificent breasts and tells Saint Peter to take a good look.
  "Have you ever seen such a marvelous sight as these that God gave me?
  Surely these alone should be reason enough to admit me through these gates".
  Princess Di just pulls out a bottle of seltzer water, shakes it, shoves it up her privates and lets fly with the foaming water.
  Saint Peter opens the gates and directs Princess Di to enter.
  Dolly is incensed and says to Saint Peter How could you let her enter???
  I show you these marvelous breasts and she does an obscene act yet you let her enter before me?.
  "Sorry Dolly," says Saint Peter "but you know that a Royal Flush beats a pair anyday".
  
  
  

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• KO

  

  Kohaan

  Apr 3, 2016

  Answer:Cumquat ...
  
  Question:How do you call your quat?

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• KO

  

  Kohaan

  Apr 13, 2016

  And speaking of legal terms - re the thread game ... Have you ever heard of a case where a person was accused of assault with pepper spray?
  
  -----
  It would appear that Karaoke has something in common with naked running... in both cases, you can follow the bouncing ball ... on the screen or on the street.  ;-)
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Apr 13, 2016

  [quote]And speaking of legal terms - re the thread game ... Have you ever heard of a case where a person was accused of assault with pepper spray?<br>
  -----
  It would appear that Karaoke has something in common with naked running... in both cases, you can follow the bouncing ball ... on the screen or on the street.  ;-)
  [/quote]
  YES!
  https://nixle.com/alert/5178825/
  
  
  Even tho I know you were making a salt/pepper joke.
  
  

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