T=
Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Jan 31, 2013Jokes in Sequential Order
Below are a few jokes; each joke is linked by a common noun to the previous joke.
Copy and paste the last joke into your post (don't quote or the quotes could get ridiculously long).
Type a joke using a common noun from the previous joke.
The next person will need to copy and paste your joke and add a new joke and so on and so on.
PLEASE LIST ONLY ONE JOKE AT A TIME.
Aredneckpassed away and left his estate in trust for his beloved widow, she can't touch it until she's 14.
A defrockedPriest, aredneck, a 14 year old cheerleader and a horse walk into a massage parlor...oops, sorry that's not a joke, that's an upcoming episode of "Law & Order SVU"
APriest, a Rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar,the bartendersays, What is this a joke?
Ahorsewalks into a bar, thebartendersays, Why the long face?
A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds hishorsehas been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town.The bartenderwalks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to walk home."
Below are a few jokes; each joke is linked by a common noun to the previous joke.
Copy and paste the last joke into your post (don't quote or the quotes could get ridiculously long).
Type a joke using a common noun from the previous joke.
The next person will need to copy and paste your joke and add a new joke and so on and so on.
PLEASE LIST ONLY ONE JOKE AT A TIME.
Aredneckpassed away and left his estate in trust for his beloved widow, she can't touch it until she's 14.
A defrockedPriest, aredneck, a 14 year old cheerleader and a horse walk into a massage parlor...oops, sorry that's not a joke, that's an upcoming episode of "Law & Order SVU"
APriest, a Rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar,the bartendersays, What is this a joke?
Ahorsewalks into a bar, thebartendersays, Why the long face?
A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds hishorsehas been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town.The bartenderwalks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to walk home."
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- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 27, 2013A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastorquestioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.
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A tiredpastorwas at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away."
An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, "Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"
The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.
The quick-thinking pastor's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her."ReactReply - MA
ManOfWicklowApr 27, 2013A tired pastor was at home resting, and through the window he saw awomanapproaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away."
An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, "Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"
The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.
The quick-thinking pastor's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her."
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Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put
it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day...Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to thewomanat the counter that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 27, 2013Twoold ladieswere outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put
it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day...Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the woman at the counter that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
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Threeold ladiesare sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.
The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke, but the third old lady can't reach that far.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowApr 27, 2013Three old ladsie are sitting on apark benchwhen a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.
The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke, but the third old lady can't reach that far.
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Two old ladies are sitting on a hardpark benchfor a few hours. One says: "I think my butt fell asleep."
The other said: "Yeah, I heard it snore a couple of times."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 27, 2013Twoold ladiesare sitting on a hard park bench for a few hours. One says: "I think my butt fell asleep."
The other said: "Yeah, I heard it snore a couple of times."
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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are fiveold ladies-- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowApr 27, 2013Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees acarputtering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are fiveold ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119"
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A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"
The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push mycarto the gas station?"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 27, 2013Aguywalks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"
The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"
The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"
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Aguywalks into a bar and sets down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked.
"No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly. "That's not my dog." was the answer..ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowApr 27, 2013A guy walks into a bar and sets down next to a man with adogat his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked.
"No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly. "That's not my dog." was the answer..
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Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for adog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 27, 2013DearGod: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?
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A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.
However, the atheist's had a good life. An excellent, well-payed job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man's job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day ,and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving.
So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven and asked, "OhGod, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
A great voice bellowed out from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowApr 28, 2013
A very religious man lived right next door to anatheist. The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.
However, the atheist's had a good life. An excellent, well-payed job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man's job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day ,and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving.
So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
A great voice bellowed out from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
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What is the biggest problem for anatheist? - No one to talk to during an orgasm.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 28, 2013What is the biggest problem for an atheist? - No one to talk to during anorgasm.
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Why do we have anorgasm? - How else would we know when to stop?ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowApr 29, 2013Why do we have anorgasm? - How else would we know when to stop?
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A man, sitting next to a woman on a jet, suddenly sneezes. Unexpectedly, he unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He then zips up and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe what she just saw.
Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude."
He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me toorgasmevery time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"
"Pepper," he replies.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 29, 2013A man, sitting next to a woman on a jet, suddenly sneezes. Unexpectedly, he unzips his pants and wipes the end of hispenisoff with his handkerchief. He then zips up and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe what she just saw.
Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude."
He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"
"Pepper," he replies.
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There were these three guys outside of a bar. There was a black guy, a white guy, and a Chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgeous woman.
They decided to make a bet to see who could make the woman scream.
The black guy goes in and comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.
The Chinese guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the Chinese guy goes "Me Chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on mypenis!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowApr 29, 2013There were these three guys outside of a bar. There was a black guy, a white guy, and aChineseguy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgeous woman.
They decided to make a bet to see who could make the woman scream.
The black guy goes in and comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.
The Chinese guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the Chinese guy goes "Me Chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on mypenis!"
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AChinesewoman is having trouble with her eyes, so she goes to see an optician. The optician looks in her eyes with the instrument. The Chinese woman says, "What is the matter doctor?"
The doctor says, "You have a cataract."
The Chinese woman looks astounded and says "No NO I have a Ringcon ContinentalReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 29, 2013A Chinese woman is having trouble with her eyes, so she goes to see an optician. Theopticianlooks in her eyes with the instrument. The Chinese woman says, "What is the matter doctor?"
The doctor says, "You have a cataract."
The Chinese woman looks astounded and says "No NO I have a Ringcon Continental
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Anopticianoperates on a hippie painter’s girlfriend and saves her eyesight.
The hippie painter is so grateful that he goes to the doctor’s house one day,
while the doctor has office hours, goes inside and paints a huge eye on an entire wall of the living room,
leaving the fireplace as the pupil of the eye. He’s just finishing up when the doctor walks in.
He says to the doctor, “Well, do you like it man?â€
The doctor says, “Yeah, but I’m certainly glad I’m not a gynecologist!â€ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowApr 29, 2013An optician operates on a hippie painters girlfriend and saves her eyesight.
The hippiepainteris so grateful that he goes to the doctors house one day,
while the doctor has office hours, goes inside and paints a huge eye on an entire wall of the living room,
leaving the fireplace as the pupil of the eye. Hes just finishing up when the doctor walks in.
He says to the doctor, Well, do you like it man?
The doctor says, Yeah, but Im certainly glad Im not a gynecologist!
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Issy is a very wealthy man and for his mothers birthday he goes to a Sothebys sale and buys her a very expensive painting. When he gets back home, he cant wait to phone to tell her what hes bought for her. "Hi, mum, its me, Issy, your number one son."
"Oh (pause) is everything all right, sweetheart?" she asks.
"Yes, mum," replies Issy, "everything is fine. Im ringing to tell you that for your birthday, Ive just bought you a Rubens."
"Rubin?" she says, "Do you mean Rubin the accountant?"
"No, mum, Rubens is a greatpainter," explains Issy, laughing.
"Oh, this I didn't know," she says. "Listen, sweetheart, ask him how much he'll charge to paint my kitchen."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 29, 2013Issy is a very wealthy man and for hismother'sbirthday he goes to a Sothebys sale and buys her a very expensive painting. When he gets back home, he can't wait to phone to tell her what he's bought for her. "Hi, mum, its me, Issy, your number one son."
"Oh (pause) is everything all right, sweetheart?" she asks.
"Yes, mum," replies Issy, "everything is fine. I'm ringing to tell you that for your birthday, I've just bought you a Rubens."
"Rubin?" she says, "Do you mean Rubin the accountant?"
"No, mum, Rubens is a great painter," explains Issy, laughing.
"Oh, this I didn't know," she says. "Listen, sweetheart, ask him how much he'll charge to paint my kitchen."
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Issy passes by a pet shop and sees a parrot that costs $500. He asks why it costs so much and the salesman tells him the parrot speaks five languages. "Five languages!" exclaims Issy. "Does it speak Yiddish?" "Sure," says the salesman.
Issy is a very wealthy man and for hismother'sbirthday he decides to send her the parrot, she lives all alone it'll keep her company.
He pays the $500, has the store deliver the parrot to his mother, the next day he calls her up. "Mom, how did you like the parrot I bought you?" "Mmm, delicious!" she says. "What do you mean delicious?" "I made soup out of it, it came out great!" "But mom, this parrot spoke five languages!" "Five languages??? So why didn't he say anything?"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowApr 29, 2013Issy passes by a pet shop and sees a parrot that costs $500. He asks why it costs so much and thesalesmantells him the parrot speaks five languages. "Five languages!" exclaims Issy. "Does it speak Yiddish?" "Sure," says the salesman.
Issy is a very wealthy man and for his mother's birthday he decides to send her the parrot, she lives all alone it'll keep her company.
He pays the $500, has the store deliver the parrot to his mother, the next day he calls her up. "Mom, how did you like the parrot I bought you?" "Mmm, delicious!" she says. "What do you mean delicious?" "I made soup out of it, it came out great!" "But mom, this parrot spoke five languages!" "Five languages??? So why didn't he say anything?"
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A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for asalesmanjob.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "One".
The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101, 237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 29, 2013A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a salesman job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "One".
The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101, 237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buyTamponsfor his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "
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A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he's looking for a box ofTamponsfor his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
"You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowApr 30, 2013A man walks into a pharmacy and tells thesalesgirlthat he's looking for a box of Tamponsfor his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
"You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she."
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A guy went into a bookshop and asked thesalesgirlif she had a book called, "How to Master Your Wife."The salesgirl looked at him and said, "Our science fiction section is right upstairs."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 30, 2013A guy went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called, "How to Master YourWife."The salesgirl looked at him and said, "Our science fiction section is right upstairs."
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"Honey," said this husband to hiswife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowApr 30, 2013"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
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A wealthyhoneypacker died and went to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter interviewed him at the door.'Can't let you in,'said the Saint,'because you have lied and cheated.'The honey packer protested and said that he never finished school, and wasn't too good at math, but he never cheated anyone and never lied. He simply bought honey, packaged it, and resold it at a 5 per cent profit. Over the years, this made him rich.
But St. Peter disagreed.'No, you are lying again,'said Peter,'You must have charged more for the honey, you can't get rich on five per cent.'
Again the honey packer protested. No, No, he said, I am not that good at math, but I only raised the price five per cent. I would buy honey for a dollar and sell it for five dollars, making five per cent every time!ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterApr 30, 2013A wealthy honey packer died and went to the Pearly Gates.St. Peterinterviewed him at the door. 'Can't let you in,' said the Saint, 'because you have lied and cheated.' The honey packer protested and said that he never finished school, and wasn't too good at math, but he never cheated anyone and never lied. He simply bought honey, packaged it, and resold it at a 5 per cent profit. Over the years, this made him rich.
But St. Peter disagreed. 'No, you are lying again,' said Peter, 'You must have charged more for the honey, you can't get rich on five per cent.'
Again the honey packer protested. No, No, he said, I am not that good at math,
but I only raised the price five per cent.
I would buy honey for a dollar and sell it for five dollars, making five per cent every time!
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A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.Saint Peterasks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowApr 30, 2013ANew YorkDivorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
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A woman and her son were taking a cab inNew YorkCity. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings."Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?""They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?""They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.ReactReply