T=
Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Jan 31, 2013Jokes in Sequential Order
Below are a few jokes; each joke is linked by a common noun to the previous joke.
Copy and paste the last joke into your post (don't quote or the quotes could get ridiculously long).
Type a joke using a common noun from the previous joke.
The next person will need to copy and paste your joke and add a new joke and so on and so on.
PLEASE LIST ONLY ONE JOKE AT A TIME.
Aredneckpassed away and left his estate in trust for his beloved widow, she can't touch it until she's 14.
A defrockedPriest, aredneck, a 14 year old cheerleader and a horse walk into a massage parlor...oops, sorry that's not a joke, that's an upcoming episode of "Law & Order SVU"
APriest, a Rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar,the bartendersays, What is this a joke?
Ahorsewalks into a bar, thebartendersays, Why the long face?
A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds hishorsehas been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town.The bartenderwalks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to walk home."
Below are a few jokes; each joke is linked by a common noun to the previous joke.
Copy and paste the last joke into your post (don't quote or the quotes could get ridiculously long).
Type a joke using a common noun from the previous joke.
The next person will need to copy and paste your joke and add a new joke and so on and so on.
PLEASE LIST ONLY ONE JOKE AT A TIME.
Aredneckpassed away and left his estate in trust for his beloved widow, she can't touch it until she's 14.
A defrockedPriest, aredneck, a 14 year old cheerleader and a horse walk into a massage parlor...oops, sorry that's not a joke, that's an upcoming episode of "Law & Order SVU"
APriest, a Rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar,the bartendersays, What is this a joke?
Ahorsewalks into a bar, thebartendersays, Why the long face?
A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds hishorsehas been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town.The bartenderwalks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to walk home."
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- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 1, 2013A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing
under the awnings. “Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied. Thecabbieturns around and says,
"Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie,
answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks,
"Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have? “They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.
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Acabbiepicks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.â€
She answers, ‘My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.â€
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun go down on me.â€
She thinks a bit and then responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1 you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.â€
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!â€
The nun says, “OK, pull into the next alley.â€
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. “My dear child,†said the nun, “why are you crying?â€
“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.â€
The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.â€ReactReply - MA
ManOfWicklowMay 1, 2013A cabbiepicks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver wont stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies, I have a question to ask you but I dont want to offend you.
She answers, My dear son, you cannot offend me. When youre as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. Im sure that theres nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
Well, Ive always had a fantasy to have a nun go down on me.
She thinks a bit and then responds, Well, lets see what we can do about that: #1 you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.
The cab driver is very excited and says, Yes, I am single and Im Catholic too!
The nun says, OK, pull into the next alley.
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?
Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, Im married and ImJewish.
The nun says, Thats OK, my name is Kevin and Im on my way to a Halloween party.
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AJewishboy asks his father for twenty dollars.
His father replied, "ten dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, I'd be happy to give you a dollar, here's a quarter."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 1, 2013A Jewish boy asks his father for twenty dollars.
His father replied, "ten dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, I'd be happy to give you a dollar, here's aquarter."
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Q: What time does Lebron James go to sleep?
A: Aquarterafter 3ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 1, 2013Q: Whattimedoes Lebron James go to sleep?
A: A quarter after 3
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A blonde asked someone whattimeit was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,"You know, its the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer".ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 2, 2013Ablondeasked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,"You know, its the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer".
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Ablonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 2, 2013A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as ahandyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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A man walks into a building site's foreman's office. He says "The sign outside says you need ahandyman."
"That's right," says the foreman. "Can you lay bricks?"
"No, I can't do that."
"Can you mix concrete?"
"No, never done that."
"Know any plumbing?"
"Not really."
"Are you an electrician?"
"No."
"Well," says the puzzled foreman. "You can't do much, so what makes you so damned handy then?"
"I only live around the corner."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 2, 2013A man walks into a building site's foreman's office. He says "The sign outside says you need a handyman."
"That's right," says the foreman. "Can you lay bricks?"
"No, I can't do that."
"Can you mix concrete?"
"No, never done that."
"Know any plumbing?"
"Not really."
"Are you anelectrician?"
"No."
"Well," says the puzzled foreman. "You can't do much, so what makes you so damned handy then?"
"I only live around the corner."
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A teacher wanted his students to improve their spelling skills. So, he decided to have each of them come up to the front of the class and tell the class about their fathers profession or trade and to spell such profession or trade.
The teacher called up Johnny as the first student, and Johnny said, "My father is a baker, and you spell it B-A-K-E-R. If my father was here today, he would give everyone a cookie."
"Very well," the teacher said, and called Jim to the front. Jim said, "My father is a banker and you spell it: B-A-N-K-E-R. If he was here today, he would give everyone a quarter.
"Great," said the teacher and called Tim to the front. Tim said: "My father is an electrician, and
you spell it: E E- L -K E- L- E-K."
Tim was having a hard time spelling, so the teacher said, "Tim, why dont you sit and think about the spelling for a few minutes. In the meantime, well have Peter come up and tell us about his father."
Peter said, "My father is a bookie: B-OO-K-I-E. And if my father was here today he would bet, 7 to 10 that Tim would not spellELECTRICIAN."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 2, 2013Ateacherwanted his students to improve their spelling skills. So, he decided to have each of them come up to the front of the class and tell the class about their fathers profession or trade and to spell such profession or trade.
The teacher called up Johnny as the first student, and Johnny said, "My father is a baker, and you spell it B-A-K-E-R. If my father was here today, he would give everyone a cookie."
"Very well," the teacher said, and called Jim to the front. Jim said, "My father is a banker and you spell it: B-A-N-K-E-R. If he was here today, he would give everyone a quarter.
"Great," said the teacher and called Tim to the front. Tim said: "My father is an electrician, and
you spell it: E E- L -K E- L- E-K."
Tim was having a hard time spelling, so the teacher said, "Tim, why dont you sit and think about the spelling for a few minutes. In the meantime, well have Peter come up and tell us about his father."
Peter said, "My father is a bookie: B-OO-K-I-E. And if my father was here today he would bet, 7 to 10 that Tim would not spell ELECTRICIAN."
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Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."
The third man married a schoolteacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"
Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 2, 2013
Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.
The first man married anurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."
The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"
Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"
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A man goes to the doctor's office one day. Thenurse, quite attractive, says, "The doctor is over at the hospital right now. He won't be back for about an hour. Could you tell me your symptoms, please?" He tells her. She looks at him and decides he's just tense. She offers, "Well, um, for $50, I've got just the thing for you!" He agrees, and she takes him into an examining room and screws the daylights out of him.
About a week later, he returns, only to find that the doctor is there. The doctor listens to the man's symptoms, examines him, and decides the man is just tense. The doctor writes out a prescription for a sedative and says, "That'll be $150 for this visit."
The man says, "If it's all the same to you, doctor, I'd rather have the $50 cure!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 3, 2013A man goes to the doctor'sofficeone day. The nurse, quite attractive, says, "The doctor is over at the hospital right now. He won't be back for about an hour. Could you tell me your symptoms, please?" He tells her. She looks at him and decides he's just tense. She offers, "Well, um, for $50, I've got just the thing for you!" He agrees, and she takes him into an examining room and screws the daylights out of him.
About a week later, he returns, only to find that the doctor is there. The doctor listens to the man's symptoms, examines him, and decides the man is just tense. The doctor writes out a prescription for a sedative and says, "That'll be $150 for this visit."
The man says, "If it's all the same to you, doctor, I'd rather have the $50 cure!"
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"Why did your boss jump out of the window?" the detective at the crime scene asked the secretary.
"I don't know." she sobbed. "My boss was always so nice to me. Two months ago he gave me a fur coat, last month a sports car and just today a diamond ring. Then he asked, what it would cost to be able to ravish me."
"And what did you say to that?" asked the detective.
The secretary replied, "I just said, that the other men in theofficealways just gave me fifty dollars."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 3, 2013"Why did your boss jump out of the window?" thedetectiveat the crime scene asked the secretary.
"I don't know." she sobbed. "My boss was always so nice to me. Two months ago he gave me a fur coat, last month a sports car and just today a diamond ring. Then he asked, what it would cost to be able to ravish me."
"And what did you say to that?" asked the detective.
The secretary replied, "I just said, that the other men in the office always just gave me fifty dollars."
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Three blondes go for a job as adetective,the sergeant gives them a test of their powers of observation. He holds up a photo of a man and asks the first one..
Sgt. - If you were asked to find this man what would you say would help from this photo?
Blonde #1 - He should be easy to find, he's only got one ear.
Sgt. - No, he's got two ears, it's a profile photo.
Sgt. - What do you notice about him blonde #2
Blonde #2 - He's only got one eye.
Sgt. - No,no, it's a profile photo.
Sgt. - Now blonde #3, what would suggest we look for seeing as it's a profile photo and we can't see his other eye?
She thinks a bit and says "he wears contact lenses"
Well, the Sgt. doesn't know about that so he checks the records and sure enough he does wear contacts. He asks blonde #3 how she knew and she says...
Well, with only one eye and one ear he couldn't wear normal specs.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 3, 2013Three blondes go for a job as a detective, thesergeantgives them a test of their powers of observation. He holds up a photo of a man and asks the first one..
Sgt. - If you were asked to find this man what would you say would help from this photo?
Blonde #1 - He should be easy to find, he's only got one ear.
Sgt. - No, he's got two ears, it's a profile photo.
Sgt. - What do you notice about him blonde #2
Blonde #2 - He's only got one eye.
Sgt. - No,no, it's a profile photo.
Sgt. - Now blonde #3, what would suggest we look for seeing as it's a profile photo and we can't see his other eye?
She thinks a bit and says "he wears contact lenses"
Well, the Sgt. doesn't know about that so he checks the records and sure enough he does wear contacts. He asks blonde #3 how she knew and she says...
Well, with only one eye and one ear he couldn't wear normal specs.
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Asergeantgot into the mood for bullying some rookies. He spotted a private and said:
- Soldier, run into these bushes and see if I'm there! On the double!!!
The private ran as fast as he could, disappeared in the bushes for a moment then quickly returned to the sergeant, wheezing. The sergeant goes for round 2 with the push around:
- Did you find me?
- Yes, sir. - the private replied - You were hiding behind a tree, using toilet paper as camouflage.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 3, 2013A sergeant got into the mood for bullying some rookies. He spotted a private and said:
-Soldier, run into these bushes and see if I'm there! On the double!!!
The private ran as fast as he could, disappeared in the bushes for a moment then quickly returned to the sergeant, wheezing. The sergeant goes for round 2 with the push around:
- Did you find me?
- Yes, sir. - the private replied - You were hiding behind a tree, using toilet paper as camouflage.
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A battle weary Americansoldierboarded a crowded train in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.
"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?" The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."
The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.
"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 3, 2013A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowdedtrainin London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.
"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?" The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."
The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.
"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."
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In atraincompartment, there are 3 men and a young woman. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."
The men, charmed by this young college girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,".
And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 4, 2013In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a young woman. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."
The men, charmed by this youngcollegegirl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,".
And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
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Threecollegegirls were all out at dates. One was a Brunette, another was a Red head and the last was a blonde.
They returned at the same time and the Brunette said, “You know its a good date when your hair is messed upâ€
The red head said “No, you know its a good date when your lip stick is all smudgedâ€
The blonde ripped off her panties and threw them against the wall where they stuck and said “No, that's a good date!â€ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 4, 2013Three college girls were all out at dates. One was aBrunette, another was a Red head and the last was a blonde.
They returned at the same time and the Brunette said, You know its a good date when your hair is messed up
The red head said No, you know its a good date when your lip stick is all smudged
The blonde ripped off her panties and threw them against the wall where they stuck and said No, that's a good date!
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Abrunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out. The girls broke out and the brunette said, "Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us."
So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.
The next morning, the cops said, "Come out with your hands in the air!"
The red-head said, "Hide in those baskets, they'll never find us!"
So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one. Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there. Once they got up, the seargent ordered them to kick the baskets.
So the cop kicked the first one: "RUFF."
"It's just a damn dog!" yelled the cop.
The cop kicked the next one: "MEOW."
"It's just a damn cat," yelled the cop.
The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, "POTATOES!"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 4, 2013A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out. The girls broke out and the brunette said, "Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us."
So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.
The next morning, the cops said, "Come out with your hands in the air!"
The red-head said, "Hide in those baskets, they'll never find us!"
So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one. Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there. Once they got up, the seargent ordered them to kick the baskets.
So thecopkicked the first one: "RUFF."
"It's just a damn dog!" yelled the cop.
The cop kicked the next one: "MEOW."
"It's just a damn cat," yelled the cop.
The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, "POTATOES!"
A man went to thecopStation wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 4, 2013A man went to the cop Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into hishousethe night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
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A Kentuckian came home and found hishouseon fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 4, 2013A Kentuckian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied thefireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
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Two fellows were sitting in a bar. suddenly the Towns Fire Alarm went off one jumped up and headed for the door his friend shouted, "Hey, I didn't know you were afireman!" He replied, "I'm not, but my girlfriends husband is."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 5, 2013Two fellows were sitting in a bar. suddenly the Towns Fire Alarm went off one jumped up and headed for the door his friend shouted, "Hey, I didn't know you were a fireman!" He replied, "I'm not, but my girlfriendshusbandis."
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A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, thehusbandlurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four.
You're right, you know darlin'."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 5, 2013A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said thewife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four.
You're right, you know darlin'."
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Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank.
"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
"Two!" said the second guy.
"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "Mywifewon twice last week."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 5, 2013Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank.
"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied theattendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
"Two!" said the second guy.
"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."
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A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York. During the meal service, he accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow. The flightattendantimmediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his traytable. The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?"
The flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their traytables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the galley and can be much more efficient."
Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The flight attendant replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises."
The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked.
"Well, when I go to the bathroom 1 just use the string. Since I never touched myself I don't need to wash my hands."
The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get it back in your pants?"
The flight attendant smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 6, 2013A man is flying fromLos Angelesto New York. During the meal service, he accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow. The flight attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his traytable. The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?"
The flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their traytables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the galley and can be much more efficient."
Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The flight attendant replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises."
The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked.
"Well, when I go to the bathroom 1 just use the string. Since I never touched myself I don't need to wash my hands."
The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get it back in your pants?"
The flight attendant smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
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Los Angeles Math Test
City ofLos Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name: _______________________
Gang: _______________________
1. Dwayne has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money?
7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 7, 2013
MyUncle George met a girl named Peggy. They fell in love, he promised her that he would give her diamonds, furs, and beautiful dresses. One day as they were walked down5th Avenuein New York, they came upon a jewelery store under construction.
Peggy looked at my Uncle George and said," You promised me jewels." Uncle George proceeded to pick up a fallen brick. He threw it through the window, pulled out and gave her a diamond necklace. As they strolled own 5th Avenue, they came upon a fur shop.
Peggy looked at Uncle George and said, "You promised me furs." Uncle George picked up another brick, threw it through the window, pulled out a mink and gave it to Peggy. Strolling down 5th Avenue again, they came upon a fashion store with beautiful dresses. Peggy said, "You promised me beautiful clothes."
Uncle George replied, "What do you think I am made of bricks?"
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This 60 year old woman was walking along5th Avenuewhen she heard a voice from above
"You will live to be 100."
She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100."
Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live!
So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe.
When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven.
She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years.
So how come you let the bus kill me?".
God said: "I didn't recognize you".ReactReply