T=
Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Jan 31, 2013Jokes in Sequential Order
Below are a few jokes; each joke is linked by a common noun to the previous joke.
Copy and paste the last joke into your post (don't quote or the quotes could get ridiculously long).
Type a joke using a common noun from the previous joke.
The next person will need to copy and paste your joke and add a new joke and so on and so on.
PLEASE LIST ONLY ONE JOKE AT A TIME.
Aredneckpassed away and left his estate in trust for his beloved widow, she can't touch it until she's 14.
A defrockedPriest, aredneck, a 14 year old cheerleader and a horse walk into a massage parlor...oops, sorry that's not a joke, that's an upcoming episode of "Law & Order SVU"
APriest, a Rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar,the bartendersays, What is this a joke?
Ahorsewalks into a bar, thebartendersays, Why the long face?
A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds hishorsehas been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town.The bartenderwalks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to walk home."
Below are a few jokes; each joke is linked by a common noun to the previous joke.
Copy and paste the last joke into your post (don't quote or the quotes could get ridiculously long).
Type a joke using a common noun from the previous joke.
The next person will need to copy and paste your joke and add a new joke and so on and so on.
PLEASE LIST ONLY ONE JOKE AT A TIME.
Aredneckpassed away and left his estate in trust for his beloved widow, she can't touch it until she's 14.
A defrockedPriest, aredneck, a 14 year old cheerleader and a horse walk into a massage parlor...oops, sorry that's not a joke, that's an upcoming episode of "Law & Order SVU"
APriest, a Rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar,the bartendersays, What is this a joke?
Ahorsewalks into a bar, thebartendersays, Why the long face?
A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds hishorsehas been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town.The bartenderwalks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to walk home."
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- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 7, 2013This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above
"You will live to be 100."
She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100."
Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live!
So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe.
When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven.
She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years.
So how come you let the bus kill me?".
Godsaid: "I didn't recognize you".
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AfterGodhad created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.
He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."
Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"
The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."
"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"ReactReply - MA
ManOfWicklowMay 7, 2013After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.
He said "Adam, I've decided to make you awoman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."
Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"
The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."
"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"
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What do you tell awomanthat has two black eyes?
A:Nothing- she has already been told twiceReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 7, 2013What do you tell awomanthat has two black eyes?
A:Nothing- she has already been told twice.
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Q: What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
A: Awoman.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 7, 2013Q: What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
A: Awoman.
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Q: How many men does it take to open a Budweiser bottle?
A: none. thewomanshould already have it open on the table!ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 7, 2013Q: How many men does it take to open a Budweiser bottle?
A: none. thewomanshould already have it open on the table!
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Q: What do you call the useless skin around a vagina?
A: Awoman.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 8, 2013Q: What do you call the uselessskinaround a vagina?
A: A woman.
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A woman is reading through a magazine. She comes across an article that says "if you take a bath in milk it gives you softer more suppleskin." She decides it is a good idea so she leaves a note on her door for the milkman to leave her 25 gallons of milk. The milkman shows up and says "ma'am you sure its not 2.5 gallons?" She says "no 25 is right". The milkman said " may I asked what your going to do with 25 gallons of milk?" She replied " I am going to take a bath in it." The milkman then said " ok, do you want that pasteurize?". She said" no just get it up to my nipples I can splash it on my face from there."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 8, 2013A woman is reading through a magazine. She comes across an article that says
"if you take a bath in milk it gives you softer more supple skin."
She decides it is a good idea so she leaves a note on her door for the milkman to leave
her 25 gallons of milk. The milkman shows up and says "ma'am you sure its not 2.5 gallons?"
She says "no 25 is right". Themilkmansaid " may I asked what your going to do with 25 gallons of milk?"
She replied " I am going to take a bath in it." The milkman then said " ok, do you want that pasteurize?".
She said" no just get it up to my nipples I can splash it on my face from there."
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It was John The Milkman's birthday. Being a friendly sort of chap, he knew most of his customers and had told quite of few of them about his birthday. When he reached number 28, he was met by Mrs. Jones, the young attractive occupant. She asked him into the house and gave him an enormous birthday breakfast. Then she took him by the hand and led him upstairs to the bedroom, where they had the most amazing sex.
A couple of hours later as John was leaving the house, Mrs Jones pressed a pound coin into his hand.
"I'm sorry," he said, "but I've got to ask - why the pound?"
"Well," said Mrs Jones, "I said to my husband last night 'It's the milkman's birthday tomorrow, what shall we give him?' and he replied 'Oh screw themilkman, give him a pound.' The breakfast was my idea!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 8, 2013It was John The Milkman's birthday. Being a friendly sort of chap, he knew most of his customers and had told quite of few of them about his birthday. When he reached number 28, he was met by Mrs. Jones, the young attractive occupant. She asked him into the house and gave him an enormous birthdaybreakfast. Then she took him by the hand and led him upstairs to the bedroom, where they had the most amazing sex.
A couple of hours later as John was leaving the house, Mrs Jones pressed a pound coin into his hand.
"I'm sorry," he said, "but I've got to ask - why the pound?"
"Well," said Mrs Jones, "I said to my husband last night 'It's the milkman's birthday tomorrow, what shall we give him?' and he replied 'Oh screw the milkman, give him a pound.' The breakfast was my idea!"
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A doctor and his wife are having a fight at thebreakfasttable. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "What are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion!"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 9, 2013A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Thehusbandgets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "What are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion!"
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A woman'shusbandhad been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 9, 2013A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as herheartbegan to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
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An elderly patient needed ahearttransplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.â€
“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,†said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.
“It was easy,†the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.â€ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 10, 2013Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddie: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."
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Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddie: "Eventually."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 10, 2013Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5iron?"
Caddie: "Eventually."
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A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up theiron."
"What about the other ear?"
"They called back."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 10, 2013A blonde with two burnt ears went to thedoctor, who asked what had happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other ear?"
"They called back."
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A man went to see thedoctor.
Man: "Doc, do you think I can live for another fifty years?"
Doctor: "Do you drink?"
Man: "No!"
Doctor: "Do you smoke?"
Man: "No!"
Doctor: "Do you visit whores?"
Man: "Certainly not!"
Doctor: "Then why do you want to live another fifty years?"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 11, 2013Amanwent to see the doctor.
Man: "Doc, do you think I can live for another fifty years?"
Doctor: "Do you drink?"
Man: "No!"
Doctor: "Do you smoke?"
Man: "No!"
Doctor: "Do you visit whores?"
Man: "Certainly not!"
Doctor: "Then why do you want to live another fifty years?"
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Q:What did the elephant say to the nakedman?
A: How do you drink water with that?ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 11, 2013Q:What did theelephantsay to the naked man?
A: How do you drink water with that?
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Q. What do you call anelephantthat flies?
A. A jumbo jet.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 11, 2013Q. What do you call anelephantthat flies?
A. A jumbo jet.
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A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final
approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and bang her all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry dear. He's gotta take a crap first.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 11, 2013A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final
approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
Theco-pilotsays to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and bang her all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry dear. He's gotta take a crap first.
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A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses doesn't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks thecopilotwhat he said to get her to move. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 11, 2013A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first classticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses doesn't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
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A husband was engrossed in a magazine while his wife was reading the newspaper. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Get this," she said. "Some guy put an ad in here offering to swap his wife for a seasonticketto the stadium."
"Hmmmmm," her husband mumbled, still engrossed in his magazine.
Wanting to test him, she asked, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not!" he said.
"That's so sweet," she replied. "Tell me why not."
"Heck, the season's more than half over!" he said.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 12, 2013
A husband was engrossed in a magazine while his wife was reading the newspaper. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Get this," she said. "Some guy put an ad in here offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmmmm," herhusbandmumbled, still engrossed in his magazine.
Wanting to test him, she asked, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not!" he said.
"That's so sweet," she replied. "Tell me why not."
"Heck, the season's more than half over!" he said.
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time myhusbandcomes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 12, 2013A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time myhusband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in yourmouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
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Q: How do you know when a blonde is going to say something stupid?
A: She opens hermouth.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 12, 2013Q: How do you know when a blonde is going to say something stupid?
A: She opens hermouth.
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Q: What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?;
A: Run, she's got a grenade in hermouth!ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 12, 2013Q: What do you do if aBlondethrows a pin at you?;
A: Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
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Ablondeand her husband are sleeping when the neighbor’s dog starts barks and wakes them up. The blonde sighs, shakes her fist and says 'Wait until you see what I'm going to do to those neighbors!' She runs out of the house and five minutes later she comes back with a smile on her face. The husband asks 'So, what did you do?' The blonde says 'Well, I took the dog from their yard and I put it in our yard to see how they like it having the neighbor’s dog barking all night.'ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 13, 2013A blonde and her husband are sleeping when theneighbors dogstarts barks and wakes them up. The blonde sighs, shakes her fist and says
'Wait until you see what I'm going to do to those neighbors!' She runs out of the house and five minutes later she comes back with a smile on her face.
The husband asks 'So, what did you do?' The blonde says
'Well, I took the dog from their yard and I put it in our yard to see how they like it having the neighbors dog barking all night.'
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This morning myneighbors doglooked at me and then said "Tell me a joke"...
I replied "No, you don't understand human jokes"
"Oh yeah, because humans are just so clever and I'm just a stupid dog?" He complained.
"Ok" I said "Knock Knock"
Then he ran off shouting "It's the door, it's the door, quick, quick, somebody is at the door" ....ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 13, 2013This morning my neighbors dog looked at me and then said "Tell me a joke"...
I replied "No, you don't understand human jokes"
"Oh yeah, because humans are just so clever and I'm just a stupid dog?" He complained.
"Ok" I said "Knock Knock"
Then he ran off shouting "It's thedoor, it's the door, quick, quick, somebody is at the door" ....
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A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get adoorhinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.
When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?''
She looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window.''ReactReply