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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 17, 2012My ex insisted I go to weight-watchers. She said she would only have sex with a man with a trim figure. I went along with it until I discovered she was having sex with a man with a trim figure while I was at those damned meetings.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 18, 2012One night my ex and I were watching TV. When I removed my glasses to wipe them she said sweetly,
"Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married. With a big smile I said,
"Without my glasses you still look pretty good too."
I don't know why she didn't think that was funny.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 19, 2012I knew I had a career as a conman when I actually made my wife feel sorry for the girl who lost her panties and bra in my car.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 20, 2012My ex told me I should be more affectionate. So I brought home my girlfriend.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 22, 2012One Saturday night I said. "Let's go out on the town tonight and have some fun."
My Wife replied, "Good idea, and if you get home before me, I promise, when I do, Ill be real quiet."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 23, 2012My ex was gossiping on the phone, when I overheard her say, "My sister is frigid."
I guess I shouldn't have said, "No, she isn't."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 24, 2012My ex said, "Tom, you're the best friend I've ever had."
I guess I shouldn't have said, "You're near the top of my list hon."ReactReply - MA
ManOfWicklowSep 24, 2012All men should have at least two wives. That way you will have them always competing against each other to be the best wife.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 24, 2012NO NO NO - Don't you see the flaw in your plan? Two Mothers In Law.ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowSep 24, 2012I never thought about that, I shall have to let one of them down gently. I'm glad I did'nt have three of them.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 25, 2012Today I was walking up a long flight of stairs. I had to stop at the midway point to rest for a while and forgot if I were going up or down.ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowSep 25, 2012I was on the bed with a young woman the other day, and I could not remember if I was about to start, or had already finished. I'ts no wonder I feel so tired.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 26, 2012Today I talked self out of a speeding ticket by telling the CHP I had to get home before I forgot where I was going!ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowSep 26, 2012A patrol car pulled me over and I told the officer I was only speeding to prevent an accident. I had to do 140 mph to stop him from running into the back of me.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 26, 2012A cop stopped me for speeding, he claimed I was trying to out run him. I told him my wife had run away with a cop, when I saw him in my rear view mirror I was afraid he was bringing her back. He let me go.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 26, 2012If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.
~ John GottiReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 27, 2012One night I was out drinking with Superman, he was being a smart ass and wrote on the bathroom wall:
"Batman is a wimp."
The next day, Batman wrote:
"Superman is Clark Kent." That'll teach him.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 28, 2012I started a relationship with a blind woman. The sex is amazing---but also very challenging---it took me ages to get her husband's voice just right.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 29, 2012I just thought of something. I have never heard man whine about balancing marriage and a career.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterOct 1, 2012October First means a lot to me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife.
I'll never forget that poker game.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOct 1, 2012[quote]October First means a lot to me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife.
I'll never forget that poker game.
[/quote]There was no need to shoot the guy when he brought her back two days later.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterOct 1, 2012When somebody wins the pot they cannot bring back a dirty used pot.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterOct 2, 2012I was on a first date with a local barmaid
I asked her if she used oral contraceptives.
She said, "Oh, no! Don't tell me you can get pregnant THAT way!"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterOct 4, 2012My ex and I were at a local night club one night and she kept staring at a drunk sitting at the end of the bar. I asked her if she knew him.
"Yes," she sighed, "I use to date him. We broke up about seven years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
I guess I shouldn't have said, "You wouldn't think a person could go on celebrating that long."ReactReply