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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJul 11, 2013Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"ReactReply - MA
ManOfWicklowJul 11, 2013The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"
Flora blushes and says, "That’s disgusting, I won’t even answer that question."
The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"
"That’s easy," says Johnny. "It’s the pupil of the eye."
"Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That’s correct."
She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you didn’t do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you’re in for a BIG disappointment."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJul 11, 2013“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.â€
~ Marilyn MonroeReactReply - MAManOfWicklowJul 12, 2013Most of my random thoughts are jokes.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJul 12, 2013Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJul 13, 2013What's past is prologue, and the world awaits.ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowJul 13, 2013I sometimes watch birds and wonder 'If I could fly who would I shit on?'ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJul 13, 2013My ex was an excellent housekeeper. Every time she got divorced, she kept the house.ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowJul 13, 2013It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJul 14, 2013Twitter was definitely invented by a man, because a woman would have chosen a way higher character limit..ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJul 15, 2013My ex insisted on hiring my new secretary for me.
I told her my first choice would be a blonde but; its ok if shes a brunette.
She said, He's bald."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowJul 15, 2013If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJul 16, 2013What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
If you kill an outlaw, it's homicide and if you kill your in-laws it’s called pesticide.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowJul 16, 2013I bought my mother-in-law a chair for Christmas, but she wouldn't plug it in.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJul 17, 2013What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws don't overstay their welcome.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowJul 17, 2013The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
-Johnny CarsonReactReply - MAManOfWicklowJul 18, 2013One cannibal says to the other: "I can't stand my mother-in-law."
The other says: "Why don't you just eat the vegetables?"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJul 19, 2013I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for two years.
We haven't quarreled. I just don't like to interrupt her.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowJul 19, 2013I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the mother-in-law?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.'ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJul 20, 2013A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"
The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.
He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJul 22, 2013I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.
Please don't buy itReactReply - MAManOfWicklowJul 23, 2013A lady says to her pal: "I have to be really careful not to get pregnant. "Her confused pal asks: "But I thought your husband just had a vasectomy?" "Exactly," she replied.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJul 24, 2013A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?"
The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand over there and wait to see who buys them?"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowJul 27, 2013The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"ReactReply