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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney

Humor and Fun

Random thoughts and jokes

Posted Jun 6, 2012

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Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Jun 6, 2012
One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"

She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."

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Replies

  • T=
    Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
    Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
    Jul 27, 2013
    When life knocks me down, instead of getting back up I usually lie there and take a nap.
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  • T=
    Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
    Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
    Jul 29, 2013
    I hated it when my dog sat there and smiled as I picked up his crap.
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Jul 29, 2013


    An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks." A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks." An American doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind...... We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.
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  • T=
    Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
    Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
    Jul 31, 2013
    I was sitting on the porch sipping wine with my ex when she said, "I love you."
    I sarcastically asked, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
    She quietly replied, "Its me, talking to the wine."
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Jul 31, 2013
    I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.
    ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
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    Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
    Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
    Aug 1, 2013
    Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Aug 1, 2013
    Eating in foreign restaurants is very educational. I can now say vomit in 15 different languages.
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  • T=
    Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
    Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
    Aug 6, 2013
    I gave up multitasking, with me means screwing up several things at once...
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Aug 6, 2013
    People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
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  • T=
    Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
    Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
    Aug 7, 2013
    Today I went to four different hardware stores. Why is it so hard to find hummingbird poison?
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Aug 7, 2013
    Hummingbirds are protected in all 49 states (not including Hawaii) under most federal bird laws it is illegal to Posess ,Harass,Wound or Kill any hummingbirds. destroying any hummingbird nests or eggs would most likely result in a hefty fine and possibly years in jail. if you discover any nests injured/baby hummingbird or any bird please do not try to help it leave it alone do not risk any infection or fine/jail time.

    You could be fined $15,000.00 to $200,000.00
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  • T=
    Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
    Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
    Aug 7, 2013
    Why do people in Horror Movies yell out “Hello?” as if the killer is gonna say “yeah, I’m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Aug 7, 2013
    Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
    A. Place to hang their air freshener    .
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  • T=
    Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
    Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
    Aug 8, 2013
    Don’t you hate it when cupid doesn’t hit both of you at the same time?
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Aug 8, 2013
    [quote]Don’t you hate it when cupid doesn’t hit both of you at the same time?.[/quote]I don't know about cupid,but a lot of people on here are hit with stupid.
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  • T=
    Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
    Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
    Aug 8, 2013
    When I was a kid, I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Aug 8, 2013
    When I was a kid I couldn't wait to be a grown up: I'm still waiting.
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    Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
    Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
    Aug 8, 2013
    The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
    ~Bertrand Russell
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Aug 8, 2013
    A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. "Yes?" "Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?" "8:25!" The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. "Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."
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    Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
    Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
    Aug 9, 2013
    Dear shooting stars, turkey wish bones, and birthday candles,... what happened to all my wishes?
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Aug 9, 2013
    A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

    "You'll know tonight." he said.

    That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled: "The meaning of dreams".
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    Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
    Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
    Aug 10, 2013
    Before and After Marriage:
    Before - "I can hardly believe we found each other."
    After - "How the hell did I end up with someone like you?"
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    Tom === Thomas S. Tierney
    Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
    Aug 10, 2013
    Japanese couple in an argument over ways of highly erotic sex
    Husband: “Sukitaki.”
    Wife replies: “Kowanini!”
    Husband says: “Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!”
    Wife on her knees literally begging: “Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!”...
    Husband replies angrily: “Na miaou kina tim kouji!.”
    And you sit and read this stuff as if you understand Japanese!
    I guess that proves you will read anything on SEX.
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  • MA
    ManOfWicklow
    ManOfWicklow
    Aug 12, 2013
    Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
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