T=
Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
ReactReplySubscribe
Replies
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterAug 13, 2013** Men Are Just Happier People **
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. ! Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.ReactReply - MA
ManOfWicklowAug 14, 2013Countless people have eaten in my kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterAug 16, 2013When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session."I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.""Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowAug 16, 2013My granny suffered a seizure yesterday. Shes doing ok, but she's still pretty pissed off about the police taking the heroin.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterAug 16, 2013[quote]My granny suffered a seizure yesterday. Shes doing ok, but she's still pretty pissed off about the police taking the heroin.[/quote]The policed seized the heroin?ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterAug 16, 2013"Two and a Half Men" has been about two men and the son of one of the men.The new season will be about two men and the bi-sexual niece of one of the men.Shouldn't the show now be called "Two and a Half Man"?ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowAug 18, 2013
I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equalled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig. ~Alfred HitchcockReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterAug 19, 2013A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise.The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down.During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
Lo and behold, it's a completely different place. The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.
"Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!â€â€œYes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowAug 19, 2013
A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch when he noticed an old friend. What really caught his attention was that this friend was wearing an earring.
The farmer knew his old buddy to be a fairly conservative fellow, and was curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The farmer walked up to him and said, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," the fellow replied sheepishly.
The farmer was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the best of him and he asked "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck," the man replied.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterAug 19, 2013My wife caught me writing a suicide note, she got really upset and said she had no idea how sad I was and asked what she could do to make me happy.
I pointed at the bottom of the note and said "if you really want to make me happy, sign here"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterAug 20, 2013Every day, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steakReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowAug 20, 2013"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterAug 21, 2013A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French." The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!" "Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?" "I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowAug 21, 2013I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowAug 23, 2013I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterAug 23, 2013Note: If all else fails, stop using all else.ReactReply
- NU
NudeJohnnyAug 24, 2013If you want something said, Ask a man.
If you want something done, Ask a woman.
If you want nothing said, and nothing done, Ask a cat.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterAug 29, 2013Build something that's foolproof and they invent a better fool.ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowAug 29, 2013Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterAug 29, 2013Don’t you hate it when someone says they wanna hang out, and you have to quickly think of an excuse why you can't.ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowAug 29, 2013[quote]Don’t you hate it when someone says they wanna hang out, and you have to quickly think of an excuse why you can't.[/quote]Tell them your zipper is stuck.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterAug 30, 2013Strenuous exercise is harmful after middle age, especially if you do it with a knife and fork.ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowAug 30, 2013There are some very kinky people on here.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 5, 2013My body'sjust not what it used to be. Even when I'm naked, I want to slip into somethingmore comfortableReactReply