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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
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- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 21, 2014My ex had been missing a week. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.ReactReply
- MA
ManOfWicklowMay 21, 2014Wife: How many women have you slept with?
Husband: Only you, Darling... with all the others I was awake....ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 22, 2014I farted on an elevator today, which was wrong on so many levels.ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowMay 22, 2014
Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells niceReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 22, 2014Q: Why do midgets always laugh when playing soccer?
A: The grass tickles their balls.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 22, 2014If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowMay 23, 2014
A hair on the head is worth two on the brush.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 23, 2014I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 24, 2014Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week?
A: A widow.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 26, 2014An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because ass holes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually hungry; and frankly, you'll be on a constant and very exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
Allah replied, "Who told you they were women?"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 27, 2014[quote]An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because ass holes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually hungry; and frankly, you'll be on a constant and very exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
Allah replied, "Who told you they were women?"
[/quote][img alt="Gracious Interiors: August 2011" src="http://www.clipartbest.com/cliparts/di7/eXg/di7eXgdAT.gif">Great joke, Tom.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 27, 2014A man walks into Shoppers Drug Mart with his 8-year-old son.They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.; He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday. " Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, Who are these for?" Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO For Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.; WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied. Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March ..."ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 30, 2014That's it! I've had it this time." My ex screamed. "I'm cutting you off forever."
"That's impossible," I replied, "You don't even know where I'm getting it."
My ex was in a bad mood, again.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 30, 2014A guy walks into a bar with a gun and said "Which one of you slept with my wife."
and a guy in the back stands up and says "You dont have enough bullets."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 30, 2014Two truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to a low bridge.
A sign says, "Clearance: 11' 2".
So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it's 11' 6".
So the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go for it!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMay 30, 2014Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
This joke's overused,
Your sister is too.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMay 30, 2014Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sunflowers are yellow
I bet you were expecting something romantic
but no these are just gardening factsReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJun 2, 2014On his 68th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate was for consultation with the Cherokee Indian medicine man
living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for
erectile dysfunction!
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder
warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful,
and then say, "1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than
you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as
you want."
The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and
asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4," he responded, "but when she does,
the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife
to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his
clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences
with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.ReactReply - MR
Mr_and_Mrs_WJun 3, 2014Hey guys, have you ever had this?
Taken from Urban Dictionary:
sticky sacitis
When your junk is sweating on a hot day, and your bag sticks to the side of your leg. It is notably unpleasant when moving from walk to run, or when standing up quickly.
Damn it's hot today, I got a bad case of sticky sacitis.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJun 3, 2014Barnum was wrong ... it's more like every 30 seconds.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJun 4, 2014Did you hear about the blonde who threw away her weight loss video because she noticed that the people on the video weren't losing weight either?ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJun 9, 2014A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist.
While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees
in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.
However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful
wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's
job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day
and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and
asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem
and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in
you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go
poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great voice was heard from above: "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJun 11, 2014Dear customer Service:
First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.....ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterJun 13, 2014Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school.Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."ReactReply