T=
Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Jun 6, 2012One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
"Where have you been all my life?"
She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."
ReactReplySubscribe
Replies
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterAug 18, 2014I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me send money.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterAug 29, 2014Q) How did the leper lose the poker game?
A) He threw in his hand.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterAug 29, 2014My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well, not in those exact words.
He said I had to reduce the stress in my life.
Same thing really.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 9, 2014An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.
"What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 24, 2014How do we know that Christ was Irish?
Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she
thought he was the son of God.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 26, 2014I joined Bachelors Anonymous.
Every time I feel like getting married they send round a woman in curlers to nag me for a while.ReactReply - MA
ManOfWicklowSep 26, 2014If you can't convince them, confuse them.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 26, 2014The guys down at the barber shop asked me what Hollywood bombshell actress I'd like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I thought for a minute and said, "Any one of 'em that knows how to fix elevators, I suppose."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowSep 26, 2014Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 26, 2014I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier...ReactReply
- MAManOfWicklowSep 28, 2014I don't have nightmares, I create them.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 28, 2014I don't have ulcers, I cause them.ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterSep 29, 2014What's the hardest thing about playing golf with your wife?
Having to say, "Great shot Honey!" 142 times.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterOct 4, 2014A man is intensively washing his jeans, mumbling to himself:
"You cannot trust anyone these days!
Not a single person!
Even yourself... I was only trying to fart."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterOct 6, 2014I went to the shops the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when
I came out there was a traffic warden writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said ' Come on mate, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him a piece of horse dung.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.......ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterOct 14, 2014A man clutching a smartphone goes to a doctor's office and waits nervously until his name is called.
Once he's in the examining room, he tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter!"
The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don't follow you..."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOct 14, 2014Harry was madly in love with Betty, but couldn't pluck up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. 'Darling!' he blurted out, 'will you marry me?' 'Of course, I will, you silly boy,' she replied, 'who is it speaking?'ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterOct 20, 2014One day a man ran into an old friend and asked him if he was still dating the same girl.
"No" Replied the friend. "She wasn't the brightest bulb in the chandelier. Just the other day she decided to ride a horse for the first time. Without any instruction she hopped on and took off at full gallop. Everything was fine for a minute until she started losing her grip and began sliding down the side of the horse.
She started grasping desperately at the reigns and the horse's mane. The horse kept its pace up as she bounced up and down on the ground with the horse's hooves pounding away inches from her head.
The horse might have killed her if it were not for an alert Walmart greeter who ran over and unplugged the thing!"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterOct 24, 2014A CEO of a large company is seeking advice on whether or not to downsize his company.
He turns to his eternally optimistic secretary and asks, "Is this glass half full or half empty?"
"Well you know me," she replies, "be thankful for what you have. It's half full!"
He then turns to his eternally pessimistic accountant. "Well, is it half full, or half empty?"
He repeats."Sir, you know my stance. There can always be more... It's half empty to me."
He then turns to the re-engineering consultant sitting next to him.
"Well, you can see my dilemma. What do you think?"
The consultant looks at the half full glass of water, and then looks up at the CEO.
"Well, looks like you've got more glass there than you need."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowOct 25, 2014If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?ReactReply
- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterOct 25, 2014Relationship advice tip for men:
When a woman says, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but....
"DON'T DO IT! IT'S A TRAP!
Do NOT;I repeat, do NOT correct this woman!
The life you save will be your own.ReactReply - HA
HawkOct 26, 2014What do Vibrators and Tofu have in common?They are both Meat Substitutes LoL . . . :-)ReactReply - KE
KeithOct 26, 2014Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested.
Everything you say, can and will be used against you.
And they elephants have good memories, maybe, but not as good as an irrate woman in full attack mode.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterOct 26, 2014Women spend an average of 335 hours a year getting ready, according to some very passive-
aggressive researchers who are outside waiting in the car."
~Jimmy KimmelReactReply