Random thoughts and jokes — Humor and Fun on True Nudists

Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

Jun 6, 2012

One night I went to a local bar and asked the very pretty barmaid
"Where have you been all my life?"

She smiled and replied, "For the first half of it, I wasn't born yet."

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ManOfWicklow
Oct 26, 2014
According to researches, an average woman spends about 120 hours a year looking at herself in the mirror, which is approximately 5 entire days a year!
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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Oct 27, 2014
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
~Henny Youngman

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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Oct 29, 2014
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying:
'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Nov 3, 2014
The young male racehorse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!'?"
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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Nov 6, 2014
I have to stop saying â€œHow Stupid Can You Be?â€ Some people are taking it as a challenge!
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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Nov 7, 2014
I learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun.

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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Nov 15, 2014
A traveling salesman was driving through the country late one night when his car died.
Seeing a farmhouse nearby, he knocked on the door.
"My car broke down," the salesman explained to the farmer who answered.
"Could I possibly spend the night here?"
"Yes," said the farmer, "but you'll have to share a bed with my son."
"Uh-oh," the salesman replied, "I must be in the wrong joke."
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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Nov 24, 2014
Rene Descartes went into his favorite bar and the bar tender asked, "would you like your usual drink, Monsieur Descartes? " Descartes replied "I think not" and promptly disappeared.
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Lakeman221
Nov 24, 2014
[quote]Rene Descartes went into his favorite bar and the bar tender asked, "would you like your usual drink, Monsieur Descartes? " Descartes replied "I think not" and promptly disappeared.
[/quote]??????????????
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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Nov 24, 2014
[quote][quote]Rene Descartes went into his favorite bar and the bar tender asked, "would you like your usual drink, Monsieur Descartes? " Descartes replied "I think not" and promptly disappeared.
[/quote]??????????????
[/quote]I received several PM on this.
Rene Descartes French philosopher, mathematician and writer.
He is also known as the Father of Modern Philosophy
Most famous quote"I Think Therefore I Am."
I suggest you Google the quote if you want to know more.
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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Nov 26, 2014
Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him
scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair.
She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack,
"There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."
She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed.
Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"
"She knows now," Jack replied.
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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Nov 27, 2014
Last year Obama said he was 52. This year he says he's 53.
Well, which is it, Mr. President?
~The Republican Party
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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Nov 29, 2014
A man walks into a bar and says, "Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?"
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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Dec 4, 2014
Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?"
"That's none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily.
"I just want to know. Please tell me, how much you make an hour?" pleaded the little boy.
"If you must know, I make $20.00 an hour."
"Oh," the little boy replied, head bowed. Looking up, he said,
"Daddy, may I borrow $10.00 please?"
The father was furious. "If the only reason you wanted to know how much
money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense,
then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why
you're being so selfish. I work long, hard hours every day and don't have time
for such childish games."
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and
started to get even madder about the little boy's questioning.
How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.
After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have
been a little hard on his son.
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $10.00, and he
really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little
boy's room and opened the door.
"Are you asleep son?" he asked.
"No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.
"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier," said the man.
"It's been a long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here's that $10.00 you asked for."
The little boy sat straight up, beaming. "Oh, thank you daddy!" he yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.
The man, since the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.
"Why did you want more money if you already had some?" the father grumbled.
"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.
"Daddy, I have $20.00 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?"
* Always leave loved ones with loving words, it may be the last time you see them.
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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Dec 6, 2014
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
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Lakeman221
Dec 6, 2014
[quote]We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
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Amen to that, Thomas. The best form of gun control is a steady hand.
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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Dec 7, 2014
A study recently concluded that licking the sweat from frogs can cure depression,
The bad news is that when you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again.
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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Dec 7, 2014
If two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test. Is that a violation of the Bechdel test?
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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Dec 9, 2014
Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. ........
"Oh honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean."
That may be true, but I know it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.
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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Dec 27, 2014
The bookie slowly counted out the money into the old lady's wrinkled hands.
"Lady," he said, "I just don't understand. However did you manage to pick the winner?"
The old lady patted her white locks in place. She looked a little bewildered.
"Really," she said, "I don't know myself. I just stick a pin in the paper and, well, there it is."
The bookie took a deep breath. "That's all very well, lady," he cried.
"But how on earth did you manage to pick four winners yesterday afternoon?"
"Oh," replied the old lady, "that was easy. I used a fork."
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ManOfWicklow
Dec 27, 2014
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Dec 27, 2014
Heaven vs Hell
While walking outside the Oireachtas one day an Irish TD is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the TD.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the TD joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The TD reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers the TD. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning.....
Today, you voted."

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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Dec 29, 2014
I knew my ex faked orgasms when we were dating, after we married she faked cooking and housework, too!
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Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Dec 30, 2014
If you got all the presents from the song "Twelve Days of Christmas", you would end up with 364 gifts.

364 gifts are in the Twelve Days of Christmas song if all of the gifts mentioned in each of the verses were added together. Each verse references a gift that corresponds with the particular day of Christmas, from one gift (a partridge in a pear tree) on the first day to 12 items (drummers drumming) on the final day, with each previous gift accumulating throughout each new days verse of the song. Combined, there would be: 12 partridges in pear trees, 22 turtle doves, 30 French hens, 36 calling birds, 40 gold rings, 42 geese a-laying, 42 swans a-swimming, 40 maids a-milking, 36 ladies dancing, 30 lords a-leaping, 22 pipers piping, and 12 drummers drumming.
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