Add a Joke in Sequential Order

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 12, 2013

  The clock fell off the wall.  If it was a minute sooner, it would have hit mymother-in-law.
  That clock was always slow!
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  Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.
  Unable to swim, the man screamed for help.  A trout fisherman ran up.
  The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim.  Please save her.
  I'll give you a hundred dollars."  The fisherman dove into the water.
  In ten powerful strokes he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
  Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"
  The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife.
  But this is myMother-In-Law."
  The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck.  How much do I owe you?"
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 12, 2013

  Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.
  Unable to swim, the man screamed for help.  A troutfishermanran up.
  The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim.  Please save her.
  I'll give you a hundred dollars."  The fisherman dove into the water.
  In ten powerful strokes he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
  Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"
  The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife.
  But this is my Mother-In-Law."
  The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck.  How much do I owe you?"
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  One day a rather inebriated icefishermandrilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."
  He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
  He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
  He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
  "No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 12, 2013

  One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?""No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."
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  The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE.Godis watching."
  Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
  
  
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 12, 2013

  The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.Thenunmade a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
  Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
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  Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor.
  While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, anuncomes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.
  Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."
  The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."
  Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"
  The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 13, 2013

  Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor. While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard. Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse." The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant." Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?" Thedoctorresponds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."
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  A blonde has sharp pains in her side. Thedoctorexamines her and says,"You have acute appendicitis."The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 13, 2013

  Ablondehas sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says,"You have acute appendicitis."The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
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  A plane is on its way to Detroit when ablondewoman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.
  
  The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.
  
  The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
  
  After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
  
  The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
  
  The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
  
  "I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 13, 2013

  A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section. The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class. Theflight attendantand co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss. "I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."
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  What's the difference between a teacher, a nurse, and a flight attendant in bed?
  The teacher will tell you, "I'm gonna teach you how to do it and then we'll going to go over and over it untill we get it right."The nurse will say, "I'm gonna do it slowly and I promise it's not going to hurt."And theflight attendantwill tell you. "Put it over your nose and mouth and continue to breath normally."
  
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 13, 2013

  What's the difference between ateacher, a nurse, and a flight attendant in bed?
  The teacher will tell you, "I'm gonna teach you how to do it and then we'll going to go over and over it untill we get it right."The nurse will say, "I'm gonna do it slowly and I promise it's not going to hurt."And the flight attendant will tell you. "Put it over your nose and mouth and continue to breath normally."
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  Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to theteacherthat they had a flat tire.
  Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
  Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
  "First Question: Which tire was flat?
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 14, 2013

  A Mormon bishop, a Catholic priest, and a TV evangelist were fishingfrom a boat in the middle of a small lake. The priest realized thathe'd left his tackle box in hiscar, and, not wanting to disturb theother two, got out of the boat and walked over the water to the shore,got his gear, walked back, and started fishing.An hour or so passed, and the bishop began to feel a little hungry.His lunch was back in his car, though... So, he got out of theboat, walked over the water, got his lunch, came back, and nibbled onhis sandwich.The evangelist, not to be outdone, decided that he'd best go for awalk, too. He mumbled something about going to the bathroom, stoodup, stepped over the side of the boat... and splashed into the lake.The priest, chuckling, said to the bishop, "Think we should've toldhim about those submerged rocks?" Said the bishop, "what rocks??"
  
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  Eddie was driving down the road and a met acarcoming the other way.  Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted 'Pig'.  The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie.  Then his car hit the pig.

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 14, 2013

  Eddie was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way.  Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted 'Pig'.The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie.  Then his car hit thepig.
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  A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,"Darling, this is thepigI have sex with when you have a headache."His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 15, 2013

  A man walks into hisbedroomwith a sheep under his arm and says,"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
  
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  Why shouldn't women be able to drive?
  
  There are no roads from thebedroomto the kitchen!
  
  
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 15, 2013

  Why shouldn't women be able to drive?
  There are no roads from the bedroom to thekitchen!
  
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  Why do women have smaller feet than men?
  It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to thekitchensink.
  
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 15, 2013

  Why do women have smallerfeetthan men?
  It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to thekitchen sink.
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  A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had on the biggest boots she'd ever seen! The woman asked the cowboy, "Is it true what they say about men with bigfeet?"
  The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't ya come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
  The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
  Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
  The woman replied, "Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 15, 2013

  A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with hisfeetpropped up on a table.He had on the biggest boots she'd ever seen! The woman asked the cowboy,"Is it true what they say about men with big feet?"The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't ya come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."The woman replied, "Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
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  One day little Danny was in Sunday School, and the preacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.Susie said your heart, 'cause you need it to love.Richie said your head, 'cause you need it to think.Little Danny raised his hand and the pastor called on him reluctantly. Danny said, "Yourfeet."Confused, the pastor asked why.Danny replied, "I was walking past my mom's room last night and she had her feet in the air and then she screamed, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 15, 2013

  One day little Danny was in Sunday School, and the preacher asked what part of thebodywent to heaven first.Susie said your heart, 'cause you need it to love.Richie said your head, 'cause you need it to think.Little Danny raised his hand and the pastor called on him reluctantly. Danny said, "Your feet."Confused, the pastor asked why.Danny replied, "I was walking past my mom's room last night and she had her feet in the air and then she screamed, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
  
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  This lady goes to the doctor for a check up.
  When she gets home her husband asks, "So how did the appointment go?"
  She replies, "He said, I have thebodyof a twenty year old.
  Her husband says, "Oh yeah. and what did he have to say about your forty year old ass?"
  She says, "Your name didn't come up."
  
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 15, 2013

  This lady goes to the doctor for a check up. When she gets home herhusbandasks, "So how did the appointment go?" She replies, "He said, I have the body of a twenty year old. Her husband says, "Oh yeah. and what did he have to say about your forty year old ass?" She says, "Your name didn't come up."
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  Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.One woman said: "I call myhusbandthe dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."The second woman giggled and confessed: "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked: "Say, what do you call your husband?"She frowned and said: "The postman.""Why the postman?""Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 16, 2013

  Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.One woman said: "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."The second woman giggled and confessed: "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked: "Say, what do you call your husband?"She frowned and said: "The postman.""Why the postman?""Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
  
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  Little Johnny is out walking with his dad when they see two dogs shagging on the other side of the road.
  "What are they doing, Dad?" asks Johnny"
  "Well, the front dog is tired and the other is pushing him all the way home so he can lie down in his basket."
  Little Johnny thinks, then says, "Good thing Mum was holding onto the kitchen table yesterday, otherwise thepostmanwould've pushed her all the way to the Post Office."

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 16, 2013

  Little Johnny is out walking with his dad when they see two dogs shagging on the other side of the road."What are they doing, Dad?" asks Johnny""Well, the frontdogis tired and the other is pushing him all the way home so he can lie down in his basket."Little Johnny thinks, then says, "Good thing Mum was holding onto the kitchen table yesterday, otherwise the postman would've pushed her all the way to the Post Office."
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  A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eyedogon a leash.
  The store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and quickly looks away again.
  Out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash.
  Shocked, the manager runs over and says, "Mister, is there a problem – is there something I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies, "No thanks – I’m just looking around."

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 17, 2013

  A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.
  The storemanagerbehind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and quickly looks away again.
  Out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash.
  Shocked, the manager runs over and says, "Mister, is there a problem is there something I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies, "No thanks Im just looking around."
  
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  A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
  
  "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man.
  The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".
  
  The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
  
  Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"
  
  To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call himmanager!"
  
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 17, 2013

  A man goes into a pet shop to buy aparrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
  "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man.The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".
  The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
  Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"
  To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him manager!"                         -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  One day a man went to an auction. There, he found an exoticparrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he went higher and higher and higher.
  Finally, after bidding much more than he had intended, he finally won. The bird was his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot isn't defective. I'd hate to pay this much money only to find out that he can't talk!"
  "Of course he can talk," said the auctioneer. "Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 17, 2013

  One day a man went to anauction. There, he found an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he went higher and higher and higher.
  Finally, after bidding much more than he had intended, he finally won. The bird was his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot isn't defective. I'd hate to pay this much money only to find out that he can't talk!"
  "Of course he can talk," said the auctioneer. "Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
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  Selling at anauctionwas halted when the auctioneer announced, Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing 2,000. He is offering a reward of 500.00 for its immediate return. After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, 550.00

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 18, 2013

  Selling at an auction was halted when theauctioneerannounced,
  Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing 2,000.He is offering a reward of 500.00 for its immediate return.After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, 550.00
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  A battered old television set was put up for sale at an auction. Although the auctioneer insinuated that he didn't think it would ever work, a man bid it up to $20. The man gave his bidder number as 45 . Later, a woman bought an article and announced her bidder number as 45 . Wanting to verify the number, Theauctioneerasked if the man who bought the TV was her husband.
  "He was," she snapped, "before he bought that television set."
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 18, 2013

  A battered old television set was put up for sale at an auction. Although the auctioneer insinuated that he didn't think it would ever work, a man bid it up to $20. The man gave his bidder number as 45 . Later, awomanbought an article and announced her bidder number as 45 . Wanting to verify the number, The auctioneer asked if the man who bought the TV was her husband.
  "He was," she snapped, "before he bought that television set."
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  An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
  They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon,
  when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.
  
  They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the Captain
  sent the oldwomanback to shore, with the promise that he
  would notify her as soon as they found something.
  
  Three weeks went by and finally, the old woman got a fax from
  the boat. It read: Ma'am, sorry to inform you that we found your
  husband dead, at the bottom of the ocean.
  
  We hauled him up to the deck, and attached to his butt was an oyster,
  and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise.
  
  The old woman faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 18, 2013

  An elderlycouplewas on a cruise and it was really stormy.They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon,when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.
  They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the Captainsent the old woman back to shore, with the promise that hewould notify her as soon as they found something.
  Three weeks went by and finally, the old woman got a fax fromthe boat. It read: Ma'am, sorry to inform you that we found yourhusband dead, at the bottom of the ocean.
  We hauled him up to the deck, and attached to his butt was an oyster,and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise.
  The old woman faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
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  A marriedcoupleis lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"  His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay." The husband says, "No, not at all." His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"  "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."
  

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