Add a Joke in Sequential Order

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 18, 2013

  A marriedcoupleis lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"  His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay." The husband says, "No, not at all." His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"  "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."
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  An old man was wondering if hiswifehad a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.
  He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.
  He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response.
  Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
  
  She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
  
  
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 18, 2013

  An old manwas wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response.Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
  She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"          ------------------------------------------------------
  
  An old mansays to the doctor: Doctor, I lost my memory!
  Doctor: When did this start?
  The old man: When did what start!
  
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 18, 2013

  An old man says to the doctor: Doctor, I lost mymemory!
  Doctor: When did this start?
  The old man: When did what start!
  
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  [a name="Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc">Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc[/a>throughout the national system. Beware of . . .
  
  
  

  
  
  
  • THE CLINTON Virus... (Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NOmemory)
    
    
  • THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
    
    
  • THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
    
    
  • THE RONALD REAGAN virus... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
    
    
  • THE MIKE TYSON virus... (Quits after two bytes)
    
    
  • THE OPRAH WINFREY virus... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200MB)
    
    
  • THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files)
    
    
  • THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)
    
    
  • THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
    
    
  • THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)
    
    
  • THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
    
    
  • THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)
  
  
  
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 18, 2013

  
  [a name="Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc">Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc[/a> throughout the national system. Beware of . . .
  
  
  
  THECLINTONVirus... (Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
  THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
  THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
  THE RONALD REAGAN virus... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
  THE MIKE TYSON virus... (Quits after two bytes)
  THE OPRAH WINFREY virus... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200MB)
  THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files)
  THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)
  THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
  THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)
  THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
  THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)
  --------------------------------
  
  “Bill Clinton’s book went on sale today at long last.Earlier today hundreds of people waited outside of Barnes and Noble in the pouring rain for a chance to meet Bill Clinton.When asked if she minded the rain, one woman said, ‘I’m meeting BillClinton. I just assumed my dress would get ruined.’”

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 19, 2013

  Bill Clintons book went on sale today at long last.Earlier today hundreds of people waited outside of Barnes and Noble in the pouring rain for a chance to meet Bill Clinton.When asked if she minded the rain, one woman said, Im meeting Bill Clinton. I just assumed mydresswould get ruined.
  
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  At a fancydressparty a friend asked, Why have you come as a ghost but your wifes dressed as a panda? I replied, No weve both come as ghosts but I gave her two black eyes for copying me.

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 19, 2013

  At a fancy dress party a friend asked, "Why have you come as a ghost, but your wife's dressed as apanda?" I replied, "No we've both come as ghosts but I gave her two black eyes for copying me."
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  APandaBear walks into a cafe and orders a sandwich and a drink. After he is finished eating, the waiter comes over to bring him the check. When the waiter arrives at the table, he just starts to ask 'Would you like any des...'  Then the Panda Bear reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. The Panda Bear then wipes off his chin with his napkin, gets up, and starts to walk out. Just as he is about to go through the door, the manager grabs him. "Wait a minute!" he yells, "You just killed my best waiter!" "Besides that, you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"
  The Panda Bear grasps the manager by the throat, jacks him up, and growls, "Hey man! I'm a PANDA!" "Do you know what that means?" "Why don't you look it up!"
  At this the Panda walks out the door and ambles down the street. The manager, shaken, returns to his office and consults a dictionary.
  
  He reads: "Panda - a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bears and characterized by bold black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves."
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 19, 2013

  A Panda Bear walks into acafeand orders a sandwich and a drink. After he is finished eating, the waiter comes over to bring him the check. When the waiter arrives at the table, he just starts to ask 'Would you like any des...'  Then the Panda Bear reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. The Panda Bear then wipes off his chin with his napkin, gets up, and starts to walk out. Just as he is about to go through the door, the manager grabs him. "Wait a minute!" he yells, "You just killed my best waiter!" "Besides that, you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"
  The Panda Bear grasps the manager by the throat, jacks him up, and growls, "Hey man! I'm a PANDA!" "Do you know what that means?" "Why don't you look it up!"
  At this the Panda walks out the door and ambles down the street. The manager, shaken, returns to his office and consults a dictionary.
  
  He reads: "Panda - a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bears and characterized by bold black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves."
  .......................................................
  
  I had a rough day at MI5 today. I was given a mission to protect one of our operatives, so when I first saw them at our rendez-vous point in acafeand noticed the red dot on their head, I hurriedly tackled them to the floor before a shot could be fired from the sniper rifle.
  That was when I found out she was Hindu.

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 20, 2013

  I had a rough day at MI5 today. I was given a mission to protect one of our operatives,
  so when I first saw them at our rendez-vous point in acafeand noticed the red dot on their head, I hurriedly tackled them to the floor before a shot could be fired from the sniper rifle. That was when I found out she was Hindu.
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  A guy sits down in aCafeand asks for the hot chili. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 20, 2013

  A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chili. Thewaitresssays, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
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  "What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.
  "Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the newwaitressin a hoarse whisper.
  Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"
  "No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."
  
  
  
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 20, 2013

  "What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired thecustomer.
  "Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?" "No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."
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  Acustomerwalks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order!When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye.She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 20, 2013

  A customer walks into arestaurantand notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order!When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye.She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
  
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  Benny had told all his friends about the delicious steak he'd
  eaten in the Delancey Streetrestaurantthe day before. So they
  decided to go down there and see if it was really as large and
  delicious as he said. But much to their disappointment, the
  waiter brought them the tiniest steak they'd ever seen.
  "See here, my good man," Benny barked. "I was in this restaurant
  yesterday and you served me a big juicy steak, and now today, when
  I've organized a party, you serve such a small one."
  "Yes, sir," replied the waiter. "But yesterday you were sitting
  by the window."
  
  
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 20, 2013

  Benny had told all his friends about the delicious steak he'd
  eaten in the Delancey Street restaurant the day before. So they decided to go down there and see if it was really as large and delicious as he said. But much to their disappointment, thewaiterbrought them the tiniest steak they'd ever seen.  "See here, my good man," Benny barked. "I was in this restaurant yesterday and you served me a big juicy steak, and now today, when I've organized a party, you serve such a small one."  "Yes, sir," replied the waiter. "But yesterday you were sitting by the window."
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  Awaiterbrings Benny the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat."Are you crazy?" yelled Benny, "with your hand on my steak?""What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 20, 2013

  A waiter brings Benny thesteakhe ordered with his thumb over the meat."Are you crazy?" yelled Benny, "with your hand on my steak?""What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
  
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  A truck driver stopped for a meal at and was just served when a huge caravan of Hells Angels roared in. As the gang entered the restraunt, everyone but the truck driver quickly paid thier bills and left. The truck driver quietly sat there eating hissteak.
  The leader of the Hells Angels marched in and sat by the trucker at the bar, reached over and took his plate and began to eat the steak. Still unruffled, the trucker sat there quietly and drank his coffee. This infuriated the gang leader who grabbed the coffee and poured it on the trucker's head. Calmly the trucker wiped his head and walked to the cashier. Amid jears and insults from the gang the trucker paid his bill and left.
  When the waitress came to take their order, the gang leader remarked, "Boy, that guy wasn't much of a man was he. I stole his steak, called his mother a bitch, and even poured coffee on his head. And the whimp, he just walked away."
  The waitress replied, "Yea, I guess your right. You really scared him. He must have run over about forty motorcycles trying to get out of the parking lot, but he just kept on going."
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 20, 2013

  A truck driver stopped for a meal at and was just served when a huge caravan of Hells Angels roared in. As the gang entered the restaurant, everyone but the truck driver quickly paid their bills and left. The truck driver quietly sat there eating his steak.The leader of the Hells Angels marched in and sat by the trucker at the bar, reached over and took his plate and began to eat the steak. Still unruffled, the trucker sat there quietly and drank his coffee. This infuriated the gang leader who grabbed the coffee and poured it on the trucker's head. Calmly the trucker wiped his head and walked to the cashier. Amid jears and insults from the gang the trucker paid his bill and left.When the waitress came to take their order, the gang leader remarked, "Boy, that guy wasn't much of a man was he. I stole his steak, called his mother a bitch, and even poured coffee on his head. And the whimp, he just walked away."Thewaitressreplied, "Yea, I guess your right. You really scared him. He must have run over about forty motorcycles trying to get out of the parking lot, but he just kept on going."
  
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  Benny goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu. After a few minutes, the waitress comes to the table and asks him what he'd like. Benny says, "I'd like a quickie".Thewaitressblushes and says, "That's not funny, sir. Now, what would you like to order?" Benny says, "I'd really like a quickie". The waitress slaps him hard and storms off angrily. Another customer, overhearing the conversation, leans over and says to Benny, "Um, I think that it's pronounced 'quiche'"
  
  
  
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 21, 2013

  Benny goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu. After a few minutes, the waitress comes to the table and asks him what he'd like. Benny says, "I'd like a quickie".The waitress blushes and says, "That's not funny, sir. Now, what would you like to order?" Benny says, "I'd really like a quickie". The waitress slaps him hard and storms off angrily. Anothercustomer, overhearing the conversation, leans over and says to Benny, "Um, I think that it's pronounced 'quiche'"
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  A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set. "One dollar," the clerk replied. "You've got to be kidding." "Look, Mac," the clerk said, "do you want it or not?" Of course, thecustomergave him a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the suctomer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker. "How much for that?" he asked the clerk. "Fifty cents," came the reply. The customer forked over the half dollar, saying, "What the heck is going on here?" "Nothing is goining on here," the clerk snapped. "But my boss is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."
  
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 21, 2013

  A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set. "One dollar," the clerk replied. "You've got to be kidding." "Look, Mac," the clerk said, "do you want it or not?" Of course, the customer gave him a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the suctomer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker. "How much for that?" he asked the clerk. "Fifty cents," came the reply. The customer forked over the half dollar, saying, "What the heck is going on here?" "Nothing is goining on here," the clerk snapped. "But mybossis at my house with my wife. And what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."
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  Thebossat the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been banging the waitress?!""Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.The boss replied, "Good, then you fire her!"

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 21, 2013

  The boss at the pub went up to thebartenderand asked, "Have you been banging the waitress?!""Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.The boss replied, "Good, then you fire her!"
  
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  . This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and thebartenderlooks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What the hell you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what the' hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 21, 2013

  This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What the hell you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm ataxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what the' hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
  
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  A Mortician was doing his usual duties cleaning the body and preparing it before putting it in the casket. He looked closer at the males body and thought what a waste, the skin on a males reproductive organ is so soft and subtle, It's a shame it's always just wasted.
  Then he got a brilliant Idea!
  I know I will cut off each one and save it in a garbage bag and when it's full I'll take it over the thetaxidermistman and see what he can make me, surely he can make me something really nice.
  So the time finely arrived, his trash bag was full to the brim with Penis Foreskins.
  He walked over the the taxidermist and plopped the huge trash bag filled with foreskins on his counter.
  The Taxidermist looked inside the bag, he was shocked and said "What do you want me to do with that!"
  The mortician replied "I don't know, why don't you surprise me" "There is plenty there for you to make me something Great!"
  The Taxidermist said OK then I guess I'll call you when I'm done.
  Time when by then the phone call finely came. The Taxidermist called to tell him it was ready and to come on over and pick it up! The Mortician was so excited and ran over there right away.
  He approached the taxidermist with excitement rubbing his hands together in anticipation to see what was made for him.
  Then the taxidermist handed him a wallet.
  Shocked, Stunned, and aghast with his eys bugged out, the Mortician said to the taxidermist
  "WHAT, " YOU MEAN TO TELL ME WITH ALL THE PENIS'S  I GAVE YOU, THAT'S ALL I GET IS A STINKING WALLET?"
  The taxidermist replied, "Yes, but when you rub it, it turns into a suitcase!"
  
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 22, 2013

  Mick, fromDublin, appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire andtowards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.Youve done very well so far, said, Chris Tarrant, the shows presenter,but for a million pounds youve only got one lifeline left phone afriend. Everything is riding on this questionwill you go for it?Sure, said Mick. Ill have a go! Which of the following birds doesNOT build its own nest?A: SparrowB: ThrushC: MagpieD: CuckooI havent got a clue, said Mick, so Ill use me last lifeline and phoneme friend Paddy back home in Dublin . Mick called up his mate, and toldhim the circumstances and repeated the question to him.F**kin hell, Mick! cried Paddy. Dats simple its a cuckoo.Are you sure?Im f**kin sure. Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, Ill go witCuckoo as me answer.Is that your final answer? asked ChrisDat it is, Sir.There was a long long pause, and then the presenter screamed, Cuckoo isthe correct answer! Mick, youve won 1 million pounds!The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.Tell me, Paddy? How in Heavens name did you know it was da Cuckoo thatdoesnt build its Because he lives in a F**kin clock!
  
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  Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Irishmen fromDublin, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Irishmen piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Irishmen slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Irishmen came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Irishmen's ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Irishmen had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Irishmen piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen piled into the other one. Then one of the Irishmen leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, the ingenious Irishman picked it up and quickly closed the door to the stall he was in.
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 23, 2013

  Five Englishmen boarded atrainjust behind five Irishmen from Dublin, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Irishmen piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Irishmen slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Irishmen came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Irishmen's ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Irishmen had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Irishmen piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen piled into the other one. Then one of the Irishmen leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, the ingenious Irishman picked it up and quickly closed the door to the stall he was in.
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  A blonde a brunette and a redhead all went hunting.After setting up camp the brunette went out and came back with a deer. They said "wow how did you get that?" She said "I followed the tracks and BOOM I shot it".The redhead went out and came back with a moose. The other two said "Wow! How did you get that?!" She said "I followed the tracks and BOOM, I shot it"The blonde went out and came back all scratched up and bloody they said "Wow! What happened?!?!" and she said "I followed the tracks and BOOM I got hit by atrain!"
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 23, 2013

  A blonde a brunette and aredheadall went hunting.After setting up camp the brunette went out and came back with a deer. They said "wow how did you get that?" She said "I followed the tracks and BOOM I shot it".The redhead went out and came back with a moose. The other two said "Wow! How did you get that?!" She said "I followed the tracks and BOOM, I shot it"The blonde went out and came back all scratched up and bloody they said "Wow! What happened?!?!"  and she said "I followed the tracks and BOOM I got hit by a train!"
  
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  There's a blond, brunette, and aredhead. They walk into a store and try to rob it but the cashier calls the cops. They run outside and look for a place to hide. They see a barn and then run inside where they see 3 potato sacks. They each get inside one. When the cops come in and look around, they see one of the sacks move and kick it. The brunette goes, "Woof, woof" and the cop thinks she's a dog so he moves on. He kicks the next sack and the red head goes, "Meow, meow" and he thinks she's a cat so he moves on. The cop goes to the last sack and when he kicks it the blonde goes, "Potato, potato."
  

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 23, 2013

  There's a blond, brunette, and aredhead. They walk into a store and try to rob it but the cashier calls the cops. They run outside and look for a place to hide. They see a barn and then run inside where they see 3 potato sacks. They each get inside one. When the cops come in and look around, they see one of the sacks move and kick it. The brunette goes, "Woof, woof" and thecopthinks she's a dog so he moves on. He kicks the next sack and the red head goes, "Meow, meow" and he thinks she's a cat so he moves on. The cop goes to the last sack and when he kicks it the blonde goes, "Potato, potato."
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  A man went to thecopStation wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
  "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
  "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
  

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  Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster

  Mar 23, 2013

  A man went to the cop Station wishing to speak with theburglarwho had broken into his house the night before."You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant."No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
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  Aburglarbroke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".

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  ManOfWicklow

  Mar 24, 2013

  Aburglarbroke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".
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  Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in
  Sunday School. Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sentMoses
  behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out
  of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build
  a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely.  He
  used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air
  strike.  They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the
  Israelites were saved.
  
  "Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his
  mother asked.
  
  Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd
  never believe it!

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