T=
Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal Poster
Jan 31, 2013Jokes in Sequential Order
Below are a few jokes; each joke is linked by a common noun to the previous joke.
Copy and paste the last joke into your post (don't quote or the quotes could get ridiculously long).
Type a joke using a common noun from the previous joke.
The next person will need to copy and paste your joke and add a new joke and so on and so on.
PLEASE LIST ONLY ONE JOKE AT A TIME.
Aredneckpassed away and left his estate in trust for his beloved widow, she can't touch it until she's 14.
A defrockedPriest, aredneck, a 14 year old cheerleader and a horse walk into a massage parlor...oops, sorry that's not a joke, that's an upcoming episode of "Law & Order SVU"
APriest, a Rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar,the bartendersays, What is this a joke?
Ahorsewalks into a bar, thebartendersays, Why the long face?
A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds hishorsehas been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town.The bartenderwalks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to walk home."
Below are a few jokes; each joke is linked by a common noun to the previous joke.
Copy and paste the last joke into your post (don't quote or the quotes could get ridiculously long).
Type a joke using a common noun from the previous joke.
The next person will need to copy and paste your joke and add a new joke and so on and so on.
PLEASE LIST ONLY ONE JOKE AT A TIME.
Aredneckpassed away and left his estate in trust for his beloved widow, she can't touch it until she's 14.
A defrockedPriest, aredneck, a 14 year old cheerleader and a horse walk into a massage parlor...oops, sorry that's not a joke, that's an upcoming episode of "Law & Order SVU"
APriest, a Rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar,the bartendersays, What is this a joke?
Ahorsewalks into a bar, thebartendersays, Why the long face?
A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds hishorsehas been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town.The bartenderwalks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to walk home."
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- T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMar 24, 2013Nine-year-oldJoeywas asked by his mother what he had learned inSunday School. Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Mosesbehind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites outof Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers builda pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. Heused his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an airstrike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all theIsraelites were saved.
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" hismother asked.
Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'dnever believe it!
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One day LittleJoeyand Little Johnnie were playing by a stream when they saw a woman bathing naked. All of a sudden Little Johnnie took off running. Little Joey took off after his friend. After he caught up to him, he asked why he ran away. "Well," he said, "my mom told me that if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran."ReactReply - MA
ManOfWicklowMar 24, 2013One day Little Joey and Little Johnnie were playing by a stream when they saw a woman bathingnaked. All of a sudden Little Johnnie took off running. Little Joey took off after his friend. After he caught up to him, he asked why he ran away. "Well," he said, "my mom told me that if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran."
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A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of anakedwomen with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMar 24, 2013A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture ofa naked womanwith only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."
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A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car, he can see that the man is very anxious about something."Good afternoon, Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?" the police officer asks."Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death," the man replies."Oh, really? How's that?" the officer inquires."There'sa naked womanwaiting for me at home," the man responds."I don't see how that is a matter of life or death," the officer says.
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMar 24, 2013A policeofficerpulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car, he can see that the man is very anxious about something."Good afternoon, Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?" the police officer asks."Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death," the man replies."Oh, really? How's that?" the officer inquires."There's a naked woman waiting for me at home," the man responds."I don't see how that is a matter of life or death," the officer says.
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man!"
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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an NCO," says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must be anOfficer".
"I am" replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"
"Well," says the NCO, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMar 24, 2013A man is flying in a hot airballoonand realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an NCO," says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must be an Officer".
"I am" replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"
"Well," says the NCO, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
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Three balloons. Daddyballoon, mummy balloon and baby balloon.
Daddy balloon saids to baby balloon, "look son, you are much too old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in your own bed". Baby balloon protests, "I like sleeping with you and mummy". "No," said daddy "you are not sleeping with us and thats final". "Ok" said baby balloon sadly.
Two in the morning baby balloon wakes up and decides to climb into bed with mummy and daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dad's knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mummy's knot, also lets some air out and ties her up again. He still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again, he finally has room, and snuggles down with mummy and daddy.
The next day they all wake, and daddy balloon is really angry. He said "son, I am really disapointed with you, I said you can't sleep with us. You've let me down, you've let mummy down, and you've let yourself down too".ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMar 26, 2013A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to thehotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
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One time I went to ahotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMar 26, 2013One time I went to a hotel. I askedthe bellhopto handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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As he checked out of the Hillbilly Hotel, the man suddenly realized he had forgotten his luggage. Turning to the world's slowest bellhop, he shouted, "Run up to room 843 and see if I left my suitcase there."
"Sure thing," drawledthe bellhopwho started moving slowly towards the elevator.
"Hurry!" the man pleaded. "My plane leaves in ten minutes."
"Whatever you say," said the bellhop, then he disappeared.
Five minutes later the clerk returned, out of breath, and empty-handed.
"Well?" said the man desperately. "Did I leave my suitcase there?"
"Yep, " replied the bellhop happily. "You left it on the bed."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMar 26, 2013As he checked out of theHillbillyHotel, the man suddenly realized he had forgotten his luggage. Turning to the world's slowest bellhop, he shouted, "Run up to room 843 and see if I left my suitcase there."
"Sure thing," drawled the bellhop who started moving slowly towards the elevator.
"Hurry!" the man pleaded. "My plane leaves in ten minutes."
"Whatever you say," said the bellhop, then he disappeared.
Five minutes later the clerk returned, out of breath, and empty-handed.
"Well?" said the man desperately. "Did I leave my suitcase there?"
"Yep, " replied the bellhop happily. "You left it on the bed."
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Q: How do you tell the bride at ahillbillywedding?
A: She's wearing the cleanest shirt.ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMar 26, 2013Q: How do you tell the bride ata hillbilly wedding?A: She's wearing the cleanest shirt.
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Q: What's the difference betweena hillbilly weddingand a hillbilly funeral?
A: There's one less drunk at the funeral.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMar 26, 2013Q: What's the difference betweena hillbilly wedding and a hillbillyfuneral?
A: There's one less drunk at the funeral.
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A woman's husband died. He had $20,000 to his name. After paying all of thefuneralexpenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left.
The friend asked, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And, of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend asked, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"
The widow replied, "Three carats."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMar 26, 2013A woman's husband died. He had $20,000 to his name. After paying all of the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left.
The friend asked, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And, of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend asked, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"
The widowreplied, "Three carats."
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An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.
The widowsmiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried face down!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMar 27, 2013Anold manand woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.
The widow smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried face down!"
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An old couple is in a taxi in America.
The taxi driver says "So which part of England are you folks from?"
Theold manreplies "From Yorkshire"
The old lady says "What did he say?"
The old man says "He asked which part of England we are from and I said Yorkshire"
The taxi driver says "I've been to orkshire once. I stayed with an old couple. The woman was horrible, a right bitch, it put me off going to England forever."
The old lady says "What did he say?"
The old man says "I think the driver knows you!"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMar 27, 2013An old coupleis in a taxi in America.The taxi driver says "So which part of England are you folks from?"The old man replies "From Yorkshire"The old lady says "What did he say?"The old man says "He asked which part of England we are from and I said Yorkshire"The taxi driver says "I've been to Yorkshire once. I stayed with an old couple. The woman was horrible, a right bitch, it put me off going to England forever."The old lady says "What did he say?"The old man says "I think the driver knows you!"
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An old couplesitting watching TV when husband leans over and asks his wife,
'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMar 27, 2013An old couple sitting watching TV when husband leans over and asks his wife,
'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you olddevil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!
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One Day theDevilchallenged the Lord to a baseball game.
Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."
"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMar 27, 2013One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.Smiling theLordproclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."
"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!"
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An engineer went to hell when he died, He saw that he could make a lot of improvements to the infrastructure, and with Satan's blessings had elevators, running water, and air conditioning installed in no time. TheLordsaw what was going on and told Satan that he wanted the engineer sent to heaven because sending him to hell was an obvious mistake. When Satan refused to let the engineer go, God threatened to sue him. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?" Satan asked.ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMar 28, 2013An engineer went to hell when he died, He saw that he could make a lot of improvements to the infrastructure, and with Satan's blessings had elevators, runningwater, and air conditioning installed in no time. TheLord saw what was going on and told Satan that he wanted the engineer sent to heaven because sending him to hell was an obvious mistake. When Satan refused to let the engineer go, God threatened to sue him. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?" Satan asked.
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A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time. The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.
The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in oceanwater".ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMar 29, 2013A physicist,biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time. The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned. The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned. The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water".
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A physicist,engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.The statistician yells "We got him!"ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMar 29, 2013A physicist, engineer and a statistician are outhunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.The statistician yells "We got him!"
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The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day ofhuntingseason. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.
Puzzled, the pastor said, "I dont get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were were unable to make it to service because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.
One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe..."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMar 29, 2013The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were were unable to make it to service because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.Onehuntergroaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe..."
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Ahuntervisited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?" The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife." "What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. "My wife."ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMar 29, 2013A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffedlion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?" The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife." "What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. "My wife."
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Two lions who, escaping from the zoo, split up to increase their chances but agree to meet after 2 months. When they finally meet, onelionis skinny and the other overweight. The thin one says: "How did you manage? I ate a human just once and they turned out a small army to chase me -- guns, nets, it was terrible. Since then I've been reduced to eating mice, insects, even grass." The fat one replies: "Well, I hid near an IBM office and ate a manager a day. And nobody even noticed!"ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMar 29, 2013Two lions who, escaping from the zoo, split up to increase their chances but agree to meet after 2 months. When they finally meet, one lion is skinny and the other overweight. The thin one says: "How did you manage? I ate a human just once and they turned out a small army to chase me -- guns, nets, it was terrible. Since then I've been reduced to eating mice, insects, even grass." The fat one replies: "Well, I hid near an IBM office and ate amanagera day. And nobody even noticed!"
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A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress..The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better.If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."
Themanagersays: "You're both wrong.It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife you can go to the office and do some work..ReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMar 30, 2013A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having awifeor a mistress..The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better.If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."
The manager says: "You're both wrong.It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife you can go to the office and do some work..
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A man complaining to a friend "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman... then....POW!!!... it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"Ahhhhhhh....mywifefound out...."ReactReply - T=Tom === Thomas S. TierneyOriginal PosterMar 30, 2013A man complaining to a friend "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman... then....POW!!!... it was all gone!""What happened?" asked the friend."Ahhhhhhh....my wifefound out...."
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My wifewas hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight startedReactReply - MAManOfWicklowMar 30, 2013My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcominganniversary. She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started
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A man was talking to his friend about what to do for his 50th weddinganniversary. The friend asked, What did you do for your 25th?
He said, I took my wife to Hawaii.
The friend then asked, What are you thinking about for your 50th?
He said, Well I was thinking of bringing her back.ReactReply